Emotions running high with elderly mum after Dads death

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Roxymoo, Oct 18, 2019.

  1. Roxymoo

    Roxymoo Registered User

    Apr 13, 2019

    I haven't posted for quite a while since my Dad passed away in August. This site was so so helpful to me at a tough time.

    I know there is no answer to my current problem I am probably just wanting to sound off. My elderly mum who whilst elderly is very mentally alert and physically able is very very difficult to deal with. I am their only child (my mum has one other child from a previous marriage). When my Dad passed away my husband helped me deal with so much and researched how we best handle his estate etc. We found that as it was a simple estate the easiest way was to apply for grant of probate online. He had the house in his name only and funds in two separate bank accounts. We filled in the iHT calculator online too which you have to do before the probate application. The probate application only allowed one name on the application which as I have a computer and email address (my mum doesn't) I put it down as my name but it clearly stated that the 2 executors were myself and my mum as requested in my Dads Will. At the time my mum was happy for me to sort all of this out. She would not have had a clue where to start and could have ended up with a solicitor charging who knows what - probably way more than the £215 it cost to do it ourselves. Anyway now Grant of Probate has come through it shows my name clearly on it and then a separate line it reads "power reserved to one other". She's in a right state about this as her name is not mentioned and try as a I might she just does not understand that this does not actually matter. When we take this to the bank they will pay the proceeds of his accounts to whatever bank account we ask them to. She's being so difficult at what is already a difficult time. Its almost like she doesn't trust me which is so hurtful. She is looking for an argument and I am trying so hard to bite my tongue. She keeps arguing that she should have done probate direct with the banks but I think that would have cost her more plus we had to get it for the house anyway.

    I guess i am really looking for advice on how to handle a very argumentative mother who never admits someone else is right. Or how I can prove to her that the way we have done it really is the best and only way. I know I should allow for the fact she is grieving to perhaps make her act a bit odd but I am grieving too. She has not once said thank you to me for all the work I have done getting all the funeral, bills and probate organised.

    Just feel like we should be supporting each other but she seems to think i am against her in some way. If it were my Dad here still and my Mum that has passed my Dad would be saying thank you to me and we would be in it together. Really miss him!

    Thanks for reading xx
  2. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    Dear Roxy,

    I just want to say that I'm thinking of you and your dad would be too. My brother is sorting out probate on-line (dad passed away in June) and I am keeping an eye on him as both my brothers were invisible and are interested in his money and estate. Hopefully someone will be able to give you some other advice.


  3. Roxymoo

    Roxymoo Registered User

    Apr 13, 2019
    Thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry too about your Dad. Financial matters seem to bring out the worst in people. I hope your brothers handle it all as they should xx
  4. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Will there be a long wait until the proceeds are paid into the account(s)? Is it possible to have proceeds paid into 2 accounts - yours & your mother's? Or would she question this?
  5. Roxymoo

    Roxymoo Registered User

    Apr 13, 2019
    I don’t know how long it takes, that’s another thing she’s complaining about even though she is in no way desperate for the money. We want all the money paid to her if possible, and then she’ll give me my share. No idea how long the bank will take after logging the grant of probate. Just want this part over with as quickly as possible.
  6. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    @Roxymoo perhaps it would be easier if the money were to be paid into two separate accounts. If your mother is suspicious of you now then she may be worse if you have to take your share from her bank account.
  7. Roxymoo

    Roxymoo Registered User

    Apr 13, 2019
    Yes we could that. I think she was planning to just write me a cheque, I’d have thought she’d be happy with that since she has control over it. I don’t mind either way. The end result is she knows how much is due to her so there’s really no room for her to be suspicious, she’s just being argumentative about the way I’ve applied for the probate.
  8. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    East Midlands
    Hello @Roxymoo - so sorry about the loss of your Dad. I lost my mum at the end of March this year & the trauma of dealing with her executor is threatening my peace of mind at the moment!
    If your dad had bank accounts just in his name then you don’t strictly need probate to release the funds in them as some banks allow you to take as much as £50k out without probate or transfer to another account. Obviously if you are above that bank’s threshold then you will need probate.
    It’s difficult to know what your mum’s issue is without maybe actually asking her but I agree that dealing with probate matters seems to bring out the worst in people & the executor of my mum’s Will is one of them.
    Like you did, we did probate on line & I helped the executor fill in all the forms. By saying helped, I filled them in & he copied the info. I didn’t see the point in taking a simple Will to a solicitor & losing thousands of pounds to administrate the estate - the way the Will was written absolutely hammers the person with the residual estate even though I am the main beneficiary.

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