I always feel like I am such an evil cow. I often think I must have done something horrible in another lifetime to have such a **** one now.
I watched my dad slowly fade away over 10 years to this horrible disease. He died a horrible death a few months ago after forgetting how to swallow. My mum was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago. I love my mum to bits but she has always driven me mad, I am quite happy with silence but my mum always has to speak, mainly rubbish we have never been on the same wave length. Add in dementia and she drives me insane. I see her every day, sort out all the bills, her money, tablets, hearing aids, gardening, do her bed ( she has a cleaner once a week), field the daily phone calls every evening about how many animals she has has and have the crying for no reason. I feel so mean when she cries, it does not upset me it just makes me more annoyed as it is over something like the dog not wanting a bone or her having no money ( she has plenty of money but can't understand that it is in the bank and I don't want her having hundreds in the house). Add in the fact I work part time and still have children at home ( one at school). I feel guilty about the amount if time I leave my daughter at home on her own while I'm with mum ( she is 12) she said to her dad, " why is mum always at nans, she is my mum not hers".
Add in two invisibles who do not understand how much this is all affecting me ( or don't care as long as they don't have to get involved). After my husband had a row with one brother in law at my dads funeral it was agreed they would sort mum out every weekend between the two of them. I think that's lasted 2 weeks. They haven't had her any weekend at all this month ( even though it's school holidays) they pop over for a few hours once a week and take her for lunch then go home. They might phone one other day if she is lucky. They don't work and all their kids are grown up and left home. They take on no responsibility. What annoyed me last week was a day we all went with mum to a funeral counted as their weekly visit so that was that for the week.
I feel so trapped, like I am suffocating under all this responsibility and I haven't had time to grieve for dad. My sisters can do what they want, when they want. They don't worry about her having no shopping, her daily tablets, if her hearing aids are working, if the food in her fridge is out of date etc etc. physically my mum is great she walks for miles, she is now in that inbetween stage where she isn't able to cope without help but isn't bad enough to need carers or go in a home.
Sorry for the moan, I hate my life and know it's only going to get worse. I hate the fact I have to leave my daughter on her own so much, my mum and dad worked shifts when I was young and I spent loads of time on my own and hated it. I hate this disease so much. I am taking my self off to Switzerland if I start showing signs, I am not putting my children through this again.