Emotional brick wall with a sibling

[trus]

We have hit an emotional brick wall with my husband's sibling. They never wanted us to take mum in and look after her, despite the fact we have already looked after her for over a decade before we moved her in with us. As mum's condition progressed the sibling weren't able to phone her directly (she got to the stage she couldn't use the phone) and its even more awkward now.

In the past 3 years the sibling never asked us how mum is really doing. They only ask her but according to her she is always fine.
The only exception to the rule was when MIL ended up in hospital, there were a few questions asked back then. The sibling tried to bypass us back then and phone the ward but communication with mum was near impossible due to the confusion and deafness.
About a couple of years ago when I tried to talk to the sibling and tell them how mum is doing and how bad she is getting, I always have been brushed off with a bit of a tone in something similar to: 'Well, that's what happens when people get older' or similar.

In fact there was definitely a stage of denial that mum doesn't have alzheimer's and it only hit the sibling when they happened to communicate with her on video call during a very bad sowndowning episode.

I now have to make a video call from my phone for them to have a few words with mum (the conversation is very limited due to her condition). God forbid I missed a week, I would get a text message in an official tone asking for mum to call them as they haven't been able to speak to her for a while etc. Last few times I rang the calls were declined as it wasn't convenient (even though it was weekends etc) . So they ended up only speaking to her once in Decemeber, on Xmas day (obviously, after a text message to me first asking if we are going to call so mum can see them).
I feel they don't care really but I feel the need to talk to them about her and ours daily struggles. However, I have been shut off so many times I cant bear a thought of starting the conversation. The tone of messages is always as if I am an employee, not a family member. They don't know how much she deteoriated since they saw her in person in spring.
Why does it have to be that I could have a chat (that - helps!) and find understanding and/or advice from total strangers or friends but not from the LOs own flesh and blood? It's really difficult not to let this affect you.

Any similar experience...?

 

[try again]

I just whatapp my sister any relevant news. Simply and quick.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @trus Welcome.

It sounds to me as if this sibling resents the care you are giving your husbands mum and feels guilty they are not offering the same and so is unable to give you credit for your care.

I doubt you will ever be able to break down the barrier but I would not allow them to treat me as an employee or question my quality of care.

Do they live near enough to you to visit? If so I would stop the calls and suggest they visit their mum and see for themselves how she is.

 

[trus]

Hello @trus Welcome.

It sounds to me as if this sibling resents the care you are giving your husbands mum and feels guilty they are not offering the same and so is unable to give you credit for your care.

I doubt you will ever be able to break down the barrier but I would not allow them to treat me as an employee or question my quality of care.

Do they live near enough to you to visit? If so I would stop the calls and suggest they visit their mum and see for themselves how she is.

Thanks for your reply.
They live quite a day's train journey away.
I definitely feel what you said, that our care is being questioned. And they have given a couple of sneering comments a while back, one of them I managed to respond but the other one caught me off guard so I didn't know what to say.
I sometimes make fb posts about important events, like new equipment supplied for MIL or praising the help from the NHS departments we get, but I found out I am partially doing it because I want them to know without direct contact.
I don't appreciate thier tone for sure but trying to keep some kind of peace. I know the tone from texts can be mis interpreted but there is certain order of words that give it away.
Generally the person is know for talking only about themselves in company of others, but I am still taken aside that they truly don't care how mum is doing.

 

[Muttimuggle]

This is painful for you, I can see. I had/have a similar situation going on with my brother. This has all been about the care given to Mum. He was always in denial but very seldom there.I was managing everything although I wasn't living with Mum.She lived alone then but is now in a care home. He would never visit Mum often but was somehow offended by the interventions I was taking. He wanted to be "in" the situation but essentially also very much wanted to be "out" of the situation.I was fighting a losing battle....and yes, managing mum's needs was also difficult enough. We are now estranged.He still visits mum from time to time in the care home but remains "outside" of the situation. Before the estrangement I got hurt often, he was nasty often and seemed to somehow feel that this looking after mum was my role to perform but that he should demand of me what I should or shouldn't be doing. I tried to understand where this was all coming from, maybe a bit of wasted energy really on my part, but I suppose he wanted to be the one in charge, the controller from a distance. At no point was it acknowledged that I was doing the donkey work.
For you, the top and bottom of it with this sibling of your husband is that if they want to come and visit your mother in law then you are "sure she will enjoy that, and please do!" If necessary give the sibling a list of nearby B & Bs if they have to travel. You are already doing enough.Why should you also have to arrange the video call for someone who is treating you like an employee?!!!

 

[trus]

I just whatapp my sister any relevant news. Simply and quick.

I did this a while back but its quite draining receiving 'oh well that what happens' 'what else did you expect ' or a simple 'thanks' . I finished this practice when I sent a really really long worried messaged with many health details in it and one sentence about the sale of MILs house, just to get no acknowledgement to the main purpose of the message apart from a few word response relating to the sale of the house.

 

[trus]

This is painful for you, I can see. I had/have a similar situation going on with my brother. This has all been about the care given to Mum. He was always in denial but very seldom there.I was managing everything although I wasn't living with Mum.She lived alone then but is now in a care home. He would never visit Mum often but was somehow offended by the interventions I was taking. He wanted to be "in" the situation but essentially also very much wanted to be "out" of the situation.I was fighting a losing battle....and yes, managing mum's needs was also difficult enough. We are now estranged.He still visits mum from time to time in the care home but remains "outside" of the situation. Before the estrangement I got hurt often, he was nasty often and seemed to somehow feel that this looking after mum was my role to perform but that he should demand of me what I should or shouldn't be doing. I tried to understand where this was all coming from, maybe a bit of wasted energy really on my part, but I suppose he wanted to be the one in charge, the controller from a distance. At no point was it acknowledged that I was doing the donkey work.
For you, the top and bottom of it with this sibling of your husband is that if they want to come and visit your mother in law then you are "sure she will enjoy that, and please do!" If necessary give the sibling a list of nearby B & Bs if they have to travel. You are already doing enough.Why should you also have to arrange the video call for someone who is treating you like an employee?!!!

So sorry to hear about your experience! Indeed sounds similar. I think you hit the nail on the head with the 'wanting to be in' but also 'out' and control.
When they came to visit mum in hospital they stayed with us but it was very strange experience. They didn't even have a cup of tea in our house, just came in to sleep for 3 nights. They also didn't accept any meal offers but also in fact taken themselves our for dinner on one for the nights to a nice pub.
I certainly don't feel like welcoming them into our home (and we have a large house too!) But not sure how my husband would feel about it.. they never had good relationships and they don't even talk to each other as my husband finds it difficult to find anything in common to talk about. Talking about mum is out of question, we tried and that conversation has always been cut short.

 

[Lawson58]

Have you tried letting your husband handle all the communications with his sibling? It seems from your posts that you are the one doing all the communication. You are doing everything you can for your MIL so why not insist on your husband deal with the sibling. There might be a different response and it will give you a break from the hassles.

 

[trus]

Have you tried letting your husband handle all the communications with his sibling? It seems from your posts that you are the one doing all the communication. You are doing everything you can for your MIL so why not insist on your husband deal with the sibling. There might be a different response and it will give you a break from the hassles.

Thank you for your suggestion. Recently i am more at home so its natural for me to have more time for this kind of stuff than my husbad that works away a lot. Although the communications are not great now it really is the best it can be because my husband is not in it at the moment, although a lot of communications come through our generic chat where everyone is included. My husband would just tell things straight to them. This would inevitably cause a big fall out. I suppose we also don't want to cause issues down the line as the singling is also in the POA . Communicating through solicitors is something that the sibling like to do.
But yeah you are right seeing through that the siblings communications have never been great and they both prefer not to talk to each other.

 

[Lawson58]

Thank you for your suggestion. Recently i am more at home so its natural for me to have more time for this kind of stuff than my husbad that works away a lot. Although the communications are not great now it really is the best it can be because my husband is not in it at the moment, although a lot of communications come through our generic chat where everyone is included. My husband would just tell things straight to them. This would inevitably cause a big fall out. I suppose we also don't want to cause issues down the line as the singling is also in the POA . Communicating through solicitors is something that the sibling like to do.
But yeah you are right seeing through that the siblings communications have never been great and they both prefer not to talk to each other.

I am aware that this may make you feel uncomfortable but it may be worth videoing MIL when she is at her worst daily and send them without comment to the siblings. Let them see how bad she can be. Alternatively, you could take them and send them all at the same time. Perhaps your conscience will be troubled by this action but I think it could get an interesting reaction. If you decided to do this or something similar, I wouldn’t reply to their texts.

I think after everything you have done, you deserve a heap of respect and gratitude.