elderly dad can not cope with mum and refuses all outside help

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by tattytwee, Jun 10, 2019.

  1. tattytwee

    tattytwee Registered User

    Jun 10, 2019
    22
    My father in law is 84 and is caring for 84 yrs old mum with dementia, she is totally reliant on him, she can not do anything for her self apart from just about manage to drink a cuppa and eats with her fingers as she can not manage a knife and fork etc, she it's fully incontinent and sleeps a lot, she has recently become very aggressive with dad, throws things at him screams and shouts at him, she will not be washed or dressed or have hair brushed etc, he helps her from the bed to the chair and she sits watching TV for short time then wants bed again, he has coped pretty well until this week when we visited (we live 200 miles away and visit every 4 weeks.) we were shocked how he has deteriorated in such a short time he's unclean, the house is dirty,the house has been in decline for a while now, and at 84 we didn't expect him to keep it a clean as they used to, but it's gotten quite bad now, we try to help we offer to come and stay and do jobs for him, we offer to sit with mum while he has a break, we have suggested getting him some help or a carers to assist with bathing mum, he's totally in denial, he thinks he's coping but it's obvious now that he isn't coping, we have tried everything to make him accept some kind of help, he refuses any suggestions we make, he won't allow anyone to wash mum he says she won't like it, he refuses to leave her with anyone saying again she won't like it, we feel that we should call social services but knowing that if we do, he will never let us in the house again, he would never forgive us, im so worried that if we carry on letting him think ''he's coping well '' there's going to be a terrible accident, mum threw a dining chair at him last week, which just missed his face, we have seen bruises on his arms he insists he doesn't know how he got them, what do we do?? Do we wait or do we try again to reason with him, do we go against his wishes, we love them dearly but this can not continue much longer.
     
  2. Pacucho

    Pacucho Registered User

    Dec 20, 2009
    531
    Wembley, Middlesex
    Hello,

    Sorry to read about the difficult situation you are in. I would recommend you contact either the National Dementia Helpline on 0300 2221122 and/or the Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline on 0800 888 6678. They should have some experience of dealing with the situation you are facing, and give you sound advice on how best to deal with this.

    Paco
     
  3. Normaleila

    Normaleila Registered User

    Jun 4, 2016
    693
    Hi tattytwee
    So sorry to hear you're facing such a difficult situation - but you'll get a lot of advice and support on this forum.
    Your parents' GP can't discuss their health and welfare unless you have Lasting Power of Attorney, which I assume you don't have. But you can write to the GP and he/she will read your concerns. Suggest they call them in for a check up.
    You should also contact social services because both of your parents are vulnerable adults and the LA has a duty of care.
    Don't ever admit that you 'reported them' - just brush it off and say GPs check up on all older patients these days. Say you regularly get called in for health screenings. Say the GP must have contacted social services. Say whatever it takes to deflect the blame. Good luck!
     
  4. tattytwee

    tattytwee Registered User

    Jun 10, 2019
    22
    Thank you for your reply.
     
  5. tattytwee

    tattytwee Registered User

    Jun 10, 2019
    22
    Thank you so much for understanding, I'd not thought of writing to GP,thats a really good suggestion
     
  6. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,876
    Female
    In addition to trying to get help from the GP, when you see your parents next time don't ask your father what help you can give, just calmly get on with doing it. You can see what needs doing and while there is a limit to what you can accomplish, just start - clean/tidy the house and/or get your mother washed. If you pose it as an offer your father will present obstacles, so don't ask. My grandmother had dementia and would never accept offers of help because she thought she was doing fine and was very protective of her home, but if I just got stuck in and (e.g.) cleared out her fridge or cleaned the bathroom, she was okay with it.
     
  7. tattytwee

    tattytwee Registered User

    Jun 10, 2019
    22
    That won't work at all, if I so much as pick up the dishcloth he goes mad, says it's his house,he can manage etc , points out we are visiting and we are told to leave things alone, doing anything is impossible he will not allow anyone to even make a cup of tea ,hes always been the ''man of the house in charge of everything ''and has always been very strong willed has never let anyone help with anything not even when he was younger. He's always liked to be in charge bless him. Thanks anyway but honestly he'd blow a fuse!!
     
  8. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,876
    Female
    Best of luck with the GP. Unfortunately if your dad is deemed to have capacity the GP/SS cannot force help upon him if he refuses it, so it's a very difficult situation.
     
  9. tattytwee

    tattytwee Registered User

    Jun 10, 2019
    22
    That's the problem we have, he's in fairly good health apart from he's absolutely worn out with trying to look after mum , and he's not taking care of himself , he needs a good rest and some peace and quiet, we can all see he's struggling and he just won't accept any help,
     
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,786
    Female
    South coast
    I have a feeling its going to go to a crisis.

    It sounds awful, but I think it would be a good idea to look at at some care homes so that if anything happened to your dad (like ending up in hospital) then you would know which care homes would be suitable for your mum.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.