Hello, I would very much value some advice. Mum moved into a care home a few days before Christmas. I visited each day for the first few days and she begged me to take her home with me. I found it absolutely heartbreaking and posted here and it was very supportive to be reminded that of course she felt lost and afraid and desperate to stay with someone who she recognises. I live 4 hours away and work full time, so haven’t visited her since. My brother and Dad go weekly and report that she is more settled but weepy when she first sees them and asks to go with them. The manager of the home says she’s settling in well. I’m planning to go down to see her next weekend and am dreading it. I cried for most of the time that I was with her before and I’m sure that made her worse. How do I manage my own emotions so that I don’t cause her any more distress?
Dreading visiting mum: any advice?
- Thread starter helpingpeggy
- Start date
I think the strain of visiting a loved one in a care home is very under estimated. I see mum about once every 3-4 weeks even though I live a few miles away. I found that when I was visiting her more often I became de sensitised to what was really happening and this impacted on my mental health. Yes she is all smiles when I’m there, yes the staff absolutely lovely with her, the management are very supportive, the nurses very attentive BUT that is my mum sitting there , she can’t talk anymore, she is doubly incontinent and some of the other residents have no inhibitions. This is dementia. This is difficult.
Can you visit with someone, your dad or you brother, who knows the ropes? Maybe take something with you to give her so that you can then busy yourself with putting it away, or have some activities such as looking through photos so you can both connect. Be prepared for her tears but know that she is in the right place and quite possible once you have gone will not remember that she was upset. Maybe you could “just pop out to the car” when you go so she does not realise it’s goodbye time. Be kind to yourself, it’s normal to dread a visit and it’s normal to feel shellshocked afterwards.
Can you visit with someone, your dad or you brother, who knows the ropes? Maybe take something with you to give her so that you can then busy yourself with putting it away, or have some activities such as looking through photos so you can both connect. Be prepared for her tears but know that she is in the right place and quite possible once you have gone will not remember that she was upset. Maybe you could “just pop out to the car” when you go so she does not realise it’s goodbye time. Be kind to yourself, it’s normal to dread a visit and it’s normal to feel shellshocked afterwards.
Hello @helpingpeggy and it can be very emotional and stressful and plain difficult visiting a loved one in a care home.
It's good that the reports that are coming back to you are positive on the whole and your Mum now seems to be settling in well. I would agree with the previous post, take something with you, like photo albums so you are not totally reliant on just sitting the two of you.
And certainly, when the time comes to leave, rather than saying goodbye, say your'e popping to the loo, or to get a coffee, or something plausible, then it may not cause your Mum upset as not realising you're gone. Difficult I know, to do it, without getting upset yourself.
Wishing you strength for next weekend. Your emotions will be all over the place afterwards too - but just be prepared for that. We've all been there. sadly.
It's good that the reports that are coming back to you are positive on the whole and your Mum now seems to be settling in well. I would agree with the previous post, take something with you, like photo albums so you are not totally reliant on just sitting the two of you.
And certainly, when the time comes to leave, rather than saying goodbye, say your'e popping to the loo, or to get a coffee, or something plausible, then it may not cause your Mum upset as not realising you're gone. Difficult I know, to do it, without getting upset yourself.
Wishing you strength for next weekend. Your emotions will be all over the place afterwards too - but just be prepared for that. We've all been there. sadly.
Hello @helpingpeggy there are quite a few us of here who have been through similar and it isn't easy to deal with but @SAP and @Gosling have posted some good advice. My mum also moved into a care home just before Christmas, although this is a change of home rather than a 'first' home, so the situation is a little different but mum always seems to pick up on how visitors are feeling, including body language, so myself and other family members have found that it's best to go in with a smile on our faces and be cheery (like Polly Anna!) even if we don't always feel that way as mum will invariably smile too. It's not easy though. It's good that the care home manager has confirmed that your mum is settling in well but it is difficult visiting, and more so when this is new to you, so perhaps don't spend too long there initially, maybe build up to longer visits gradually as your mum continues to settle as it is still early days for you all.
If mum asks to come home with me, would it be acceptable to say “yes, mum, but we don’t go until tomorrow”?
What have your dad and brother been saying to your mum when she mentions going home? It may be best for you all to stick with the same answer to avoid confusing your mum and if you think she will accept you saying that she can go 'tomorrow' then use that. It will depend on your mum's level of cognition/ understanding so it may take a while to find a response that she will be happy with. As she moved to the care home straight from hospital you could maybe try saying along the lines of that she is there for some recuperation and can go home when the doctor says she is well enough? This can sometimes help to deflect 'blame' onto the professionals and away from family but may not work with everyone so you might have to try a few responses to see what best settles your mum. Some members here have found that saying that 'work' is going on at home such as the boiler needs replacing, builders are in etc, and you can go home once it's all fixed, has been accepted too.
Anything which makes it easier to visit for both of you is acceptable.
I used to tell my husband he could come home when he was stronger
Thank you very much Louise. She seems to have mostly forgotten about her actual home (where Dad still lives) and wanted to come with me to my home..even remembering my husband’s name and that we live in the north. I think I’ll try and say “yes, when the doctor says you can”
I feel for you, but.... remember your mum is now safe and being well cared for and the full strain is no longer on your lovely dad who must have been out of his mind when she was at home.
I just want to give you a hug because this is your mum and I would probably be the same
I just want to give you a hug because this is your mum and I would probably be the same
I would say it gets easier. Kind of. My Mum wanted to come ‘home’ for about the first year, but she didn’t really. She didn’t recognise her home and she didn’t know her family anymore (except my sister, who she thought was my aunt). We just said things like ‘just stay here tonight Mum, they have made a bed for you and made some dinner’ or that there was a problem with her house so she had to stay there ‘for a while’. It is very hard not to get upset, but I just plaster on a smile because I know that is reassuring for her and take treats and things to make her room nice so I can busy myself with that. I also go with my sister so we have someone to talk to as Mum can’t talk or understand us. As I have become more familiar with her carers and her room I have felt better about her being there. I hope this gets easier for you and your Mum.
When you answer try fudging and not actually saying “Yes”. Omit that word from your reply! Use phrases that sound positive but are actually noncommittal.
Thank you all very much for your wise words. I’ve taken note and feel a bit more prepared for next weekend. I’m also going to book a day off work for when I get home.
Hello, I thought I’d update you kind people. I visited mum with my brother and that was a big help. She did ask to be taken out of the home, but with less distress than 3 weeks ago and it was easier to distract her. I took flowers in with me and she and I arranged them in a vase which she’s always enjoyed doing. We also walked round the home’s garden and she talked about what we needed to do there. When it came time to leave, a carer lead her into the dining room for tea and it was lovely to see her walking with him quite calmly. So, it was all much better than I’d expected and I used many of the helpful tips that you’d all shared. Thank you 🙏
That is so encouraging and positive @helpingpeggy . I am so pleased for you. That hopefully brings you a little comfort. It often can take a little while for a loved one to settle into a new care home environment. Cherish all the good moments like arranging flowers. They're special. 🤗
It is incredibly hard and I still have waves of guilt and episodes of teary drives home even though we are 4 years on. I know others have offered advice, mine is to hang up my emotional coat at the door of the care home and put on my brave face and smile, not show my real feelings until I leave and that's when I put my emotion-guilt coat back on -as I walk out. It is so important to try to be emotionally positive when visiting PWD as this is the one thing they still connect with even when recognition is gone.
It will get better in time, but those feelings never completely go away
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