1. Mo88

    Mo88 Registered User

    Nov 20, 2014
    #1 Mo88, Dec 7, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2015
    My mum is going into a care home tomorrow and I'm dreading how she'll react and how I'm going to deal with it.
    Her and dad have been married 65 years , she was diagnosed with vascular dementia nearly 5years ago, he's partially sighted and up to now he's managed to care for her at home with my help, but a few months back he cracked and said he couldn't cope anymore. They had carers in a few times a week and between we managed - but he doesn't want people coming in at all hours ( mums now up several times a night) and his own health was suffering . I totally respect and support his decision which as a proud and loving husband has been very difficult for him, but I've been the one dealing with all the practicalities and have found it so emotional and stressful trying to do what's best for both of them -that to be honest I'm struggling to cope with it all . Mum is so attached to dad and. I think she'll be devastated to be apart from him. We've found a lovely care home and I know she'll be well cared for and my dad will get the rest and break he needs and that it's the best option all round for everyone ... But I just feel so awful and seem to be in tears all the time.. I will be strong tomorrow but deep down its breaking my heart.. Sorry just needed to get this out
  2. smartieplum

    smartieplum Registered User

    Jul 29, 2014
    I don't have personal experience of this yet but it is for the best. Good luck
  3. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    I hope perhaps typing it all out was helpful in some way. I haven't any fabulous advice but do have loads of sympathy. The situation is distressing and very stressful and it sounds like you have had your plate full with the administrative stuff. (I often think that while I don't mind dealing with my mother's medical issues, the paperwork is going to kill me.) That is 100% challenging and unpleasant and not, to me at least, terribly rewarding.

    It's okay to be upset. We don't mind hearing about it.

    I hope that the move goes as well as it possibly can. Don't be afraid to ask for help from the staff; they have loads of experience in dealing with this. And don't hesitate to come back to TP for suggestions, advice, support, or just a safe place to express yourself.

    The best advice I can offer is not to make a lingering exit; this is just harder for everyone. If you get overwhelmed during the move-in process, excuse yourself to the ladies/gents, and go use the public toilets so you can have a private moment. Deep breathing. And do something nice for yourself afterwards (chocolate counts).

    Also, when I visit my mother at the care home I always say "see you soon" when I leave, instead of "see you tomorrow" or something else. Her short term memory is shot and she can't remember what I tell her, and will make herself anxious trying to, so "I love you, see you soon" is what works for us.

    Best of luck and we'll be thinking of you tomorrow.
  4. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I'll be thinking of you all tomorrow. Just one thing really that this move, hard as it is, will mean that you can all spend quality time together and I presume you can visit whenever you want to and stay as long as you want to so once tomorrow is over your Dad & Mum can just have back the lovely parts of their love and life together.

    Do come back and share with us xxxxxxx
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    #5 Shedrech, Dec 8, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2015
    Hello Mo88
    Welcome to TP - it's a good place to let it all out - your post will be read with much sympathy by many who have faced or are facing a similar situation (my dad entered his care home this spring)
    You've done magnificently supporting your parents - your dad has a lot of courage to admit he had coped all he could - I'm so glad that you have found a home for your mum that you are happy with so that your mum will receive the care she needs, your dad can recuperate and hopefully you will be able to relax and take some time to grieve for the family life that was
    such a long life together - they will both find it tough being apart - but you know, sadly this has to be
    treat yourself to something after you leave the home tomorrow, just so that you don't go immediately home and dwell on the situation - be gentle with yourself
    I wish you all well
  6. CeliaThePoet

    CeliaThePoet Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    Buffalo, NY, USA
    I feel for you. The transition to a care home often comes at the time we are most emotionally exhausted. You've had good advice. I hope your father is feeling all right...he's also going to need your support. It does calm down. Remember, many find that their loved one is better-fed, consistently given meds, care, and social interaction in a home, plus the family is rested and better ready to just socialize, and support when needed, too.

    Amy in the US, I had this exact thought today, about paperwork, as well!
  7. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Apologies in advance for the tangent

    (I don't want to derail the OP's very serious thread, so one of these days I will get around to starting my own thread about the admin/paperwork.

    Celia, I just wanted to thank you for your kind comment. I am so overwhelmed by the paperwork that I honestly think I would rather be dead than deal with it. Nobody panic, I don't mean I want to kill myself, because I haven't got time for that! I just mean that if I were dead, I wouldn't have to do this wretched paperwork!!)

    But back to the OP. Mo88, I hope things go as well as possible. Some of us on here have been surprised with how well a care home situation has worked out, when we thought it was impossible. Very best wishes to you, and please be kind to yourself.
  8. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    Hello Mo88, Welcome to TP.
    I know it's going to be a difficult day for you and your Dad.
    TBH I wouldn't stay too long this time , the staff if asked will be able to help you leave when you are ready, without your Mum being upset at seeing you go.

    When you can please come back and let us know how you all are.
    I too have found it helped me just writing on here , whether you want it or not you'll get some lovely replies and advise from people who know what it's like at the sharp end.
  9. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Take heart from the fact your father has made a very difficult, but wise decision.
    Your mother will be better looked after, where shes going than your father could manage, his health will improve as the weight of caring is lifted.
    Its hard today, I know, been there. Once mother has settled, (3weeks-3months) father will begin to smile again.

  10. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    See you soon is also what I say. Truly hope the experience for all three of you is better than you imagine, Mo88. My hubby is in care some six months, now, and is doing fantastically well. See how things work for a while and take a rest. If you really can't bear it, then a different care package can be sorted out with people who know how to set these things up.
  11. Mo88

    Mo88 Registered User

    Nov 20, 2014
    Thank you all for your kind and supportive comments , it's so comforting to know there are others who understand and even if not in the same position are caring enough to post . Today went better than I expected. Dad didn't come -we felt it best if he didn't .. My OH took him out for a few hours instead. I managed to hold it together!
    I'd explained to mum that dad needed a little break and she was going to stay and be spoilt by these lovely people here. I avoided all mention of how long... The staff were wonderful with mum ( and me!) and I made my exit at a 'happy' moment. (Then cried!)
    I know it's early days ..but I'm just so glad to get this first hurdle out the way.. We're not visiting tomorrow .. It's her birthday the day after ( wonderful timing .. That and Xmas in 2 weeks but I guess there's never a good time for this) and the CH suggested we go in together then for a family birthday tea and cake ... Dad was fine today too... I think we're both still worried , but relieved at the same time... Tomorrow's another day and we'll take each day as it comes ...
  12. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Mo88, thank you so much for coming back to tell us how it went. I think it was fine for your dad not to go today, and absolutely it's okay not to visit tomorrow. With your mother's birthday and then Christmas it does seem, as you say, difficult timing (but you're also correct that there is probably never a good time).

    I'm also pleased to hear the staff were helpful/supportive. That can be such a great help. Especially early on, if there are days you don't visit, but feel anxious, a phone call to the staff can be a great reassurance. In my case, I get much more accurate information about my mother's condition and activity level from the staff, than I do from her.

    Wishing you all the best.

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