Me too
I dread it too as I do not know what I will get. Mum has been unkind over the years and her unerring ability to be nasty at times is undimmed by her dementia. I hate it, it stresses me out, it makes me depressed and miserable and angry. I want to walk away. I come home feeling ill and it takes me days to gather myself together. She lives 100 miles away and still refuses to move near me even though she wants to see me as often as possible. If she had been a gentler kinder less critical person and changed into someone less pleasant I could definitely say "never mind it is the disease". But that is not the case. The disease is there, it makes her more frightened and angry and accusatory and has taken away a lot of the other sides of her being. But still, the unkindnesses hurt badly and I wish I knew how to deal with them better and to protect myself.
It is so liberating to write this stuff down! To be able to write freely with no judgment. Thank you for starting this thread!