Don't want mother living with me - am I a bad daughter not facing up to my duties?
- Thread starter josephinewilson
- Start date
I echo this ^^^^^ .....with bells on
Me too! Inheritance means nothing until the person who rightfully owns that money has died and left it to another.
It should be used to make your mother as comfortable and content as it is possible to be with this wretched condition.
Forgive me if I've misunderstood, but if your mum isn't self funding and needs more care than her sheltered accommodation was providing, then her/your local authority will be paying for residential care. If you're questioning your decision after just 3 weeks, then maybe it's time to ask for an assessment and push for another move for your mum.
You have nothing to feel bad about
Hi - please don't feel bad about not wanting your Mum to live with you - I have both parents with Dementia - my Mum has been in care since August 2014 and my Dad is only recently diagnosed and still lives at home. There is not a day goes by that I do not feel guilty for placing my Mum in care, do I visit her enough etc etc yet I know that if I had not made that decision at that time, she would probably not be here now - Mum is clearly well looked after and although chooses to spend alot of time in her room, she is comfortable and well fed and that is something Dad could not provide for her at home. I actually wish the time was right to place my Dad in care as although he doesn't live with us, he is only 5 minutes up the road, I am finding the pressure of his Dementia - he has Vascular Dementia - extremely hard to live with - it is constant daily moans and groans and if someone said to me today we have a place for your Dad I would seriously have to think about it and although no offense is meant towards your OH, unless it is their parent that they are having to make the decisions for, they can't possibly know what it is like to have those decisions on your shoulder.
Hi - please don't feel bad about not wanting your Mum to live with you - I have both parents with Dementia - my Mum has been in care since August 2014 and my Dad is only recently diagnosed and still lives at home. There is not a day goes by that I do not feel guilty for placing my Mum in care, do I visit her enough etc etc yet I know that if I had not made that decision at that time, she would probably not be here now - Mum is clearly well looked after and although chooses to spend alot of time in her room, she is comfortable and well fed and that is something Dad could not provide for her at home. I actually wish the time was right to place my Dad in care as although he doesn't live with us, he is only 5 minutes up the road, I am finding the pressure of his Dementia - he has Vascular Dementia - extremely hard to live with - it is constant daily moans and groans and if someone said to me today we have a place for your Dad I would seriously have to think about it and although no offense is meant towards your OH, unless it is their parent that they are having to make the decisions for, they can't possibly know what it is like to have those decisions on your shoulder.
Thanks again
Thanks again to people who have replied to this thread. My mother is self funding as she has about 50 thousand in the bank and no property. I actually went and saw a lovely residential care home today and I asked for a member of staff to come and assess my mother on Friday with a view to having her visit for a "short holiday" and see how she gets on. I'd feel so much better if she were there - only problem is - I haven't yet raised the issue with her at all and have to brace myself in time for Friday. But I've posted about that on another thread
Thanks again to people who have replied to this thread. My mother is self funding as she has about 50 thousand in the bank and no property. I actually went and saw a lovely residential care home today and I asked for a member of staff to come and assess my mother on Friday with a view to having her visit for a "short holiday" and see how she gets on. I'd feel so much better if she were there - only problem is - I haven't yet raised the issue with her at all and have to brace myself in time for Friday. But I've posted about that on another thread
That sounds like a good plan.
I hope it all works out for you - and for your mother.
Best of luck.
I hope it all works out for you - and for your mother.
Best of luck.
This thread has been very comforting! I am an only child with a mother in the early/mid stage of dementia. I have been thinking a lot about future care. I don't think I can care for mum in my home. I feel bad but I would rather keep her, in her own home, for as long as possible and then move her to a good care home. I know it will be right for mum and for me but I still feel like a rubbish daughter......
Good luck - You are NOT a bad daughter in any way. Caring for a very dependent elderly relative must be as relentless as caring for a toddler/baby round the clock but with no bright future to look forward to and at an age when the reserves of engery we have are not the same as those we had as parents of young children.
You aren't, your response is exactly what I want my daughter to do if I'm unlucky enough to need care. Please don't feel bad, there is no reason you should.
Thanks again to people who have replied to this thread. My mother is self funding as she has about 50 thousand in the bank and no property. I actually went and saw a lovely residential care home today and I asked for a member of staff to come and assess my mother on Friday with a view to having her visit for a "short holiday" and see how she gets on. I'd feel so much better if she were there - only problem is - I haven't yet raised the issue with her at all and have to brace myself in time for Friday. But I've posted about that on another thread
Forgive me but am going to be blunt. Apologies. You totally understand what is involved. Easy for me to be objective. You are not a bad daughter at all. You are being honest. As you say it is your mums money. Caring becomes 24/7 eventually. As a Mum I would not like my son and his family minding me if I needed care. Am actually going to solicitor soon to make a will stipulating how T would be minded if I died and vice versa. Not sure of procedure.
Trust your gut feeling. It is the right decision for you. No guilt please. I do the guilt trip and it's awful.
You are not abandoning your Mum at all, just getting the best possible care for her. A loving daughter. Don't ever forget that.
As inheritance for grandchildren, a lovely thought in your Mums part but seriously it is your mum who needs care now. It is her money.Grandchildren' inheritance should be the least of your thoughts now.
Your hubby would help of course but in the day to day stuff you will have all the work.
I would love to leave stuff to my grandchildren too but the reality is I need to put things in place for T or myself. I try to support and love my grandsons now.
Hope assessment goes well for Friday. Take it step by step. Perhaps don't mention the residential home at first? Just an idea.
Very best of luck on Friday. I be praying for you.
You are a loving daughter.
Virtual hugs from Ireland.
Aisling
I agree with all you say Aisling but this leapt out at me. I was thinking about the posts from Lisa74, who was so desperately unhappy after her grandmother with dementia moved in. The adverse effect on a grandchild's life and their relationship with their parents can clearly be significant in some cases. I don't think any inheritance is worth subjecting children or young adults to such distress.
You can carry on being a good daughter, if you dont have her live with you. I have been sorting mum out who is not a good organiser for 30 years I am almost her age now when I started organising her life for her, I toyed with the idea of having her live with us when she was in reasonable health. She is now deaf blind has poor mobility and early dementia and is 92, well I am occasionaly sharp with her when I visit her flat, if she lived with me (I really dont know) how sharp tongued I would be. My OH is great but I am sure he would of left. His mum and dad are now in care both with alzheimers and dementia and they are in much better health than when we and carers were trying to sort them out at their own home.
They eat well have meds on time are warm and have company and look well cared for and go out and have a good time on trips from the home, they usually cannot remember where they have been but have a good time whilst there.
They eat well have meds on time are warm and have company and look well cared for and go out and have a good time on trips from the home, they usually cannot remember where they have been but have a good time whilst there.
I am feeling much better about the decision
This is a good point from Meanie They eat well have meds on time are warm and have company and look well cared for and go out and have a good time on trips from the home, they usually cannot remember where they have been but have a good time whilst there.
I think my mum would/will be much better looked after in a home than staying at home with me, partly because she'll be in the company of other old people and able to wander around at will, whereas I work from home and on the computer (online meetings etc) and would be leaving her in another room for hours while I get on with stuff -then when I have finished work, I'd just be tired and wanting to chill out rather than feed, bathe and entertain her
I can see that if she is in a residential home I could visit her as I do now but it would be less of a hassle as shopping, clothes washing and bathing would all be done at the home and no longer by me
This is a good point from Meanie They eat well have meds on time are warm and have company and look well cared for and go out and have a good time on trips from the home, they usually cannot remember where they have been but have a good time whilst there.
I think my mum would/will be much better looked after in a home than staying at home with me, partly because she'll be in the company of other old people and able to wander around at will, whereas I work from home and on the computer (online meetings etc) and would be leaving her in another room for hours while I get on with stuff -then when I have finished work, I'd just be tired and wanting to chill out rather than feed, bathe and entertain her
I can see that if she is in a residential home I could visit her as I do now but it would be less of a hassle as shopping, clothes washing and bathing would all be done at the home and no longer by me
This is a good point from Meanie They eat well have meds on time are warm and have company and look well cared for and go out and have a good time on trips from the home, they usually cannot remember where they have been but have a good time whilst there.
I think my mum would/will be much better looked after in a home than staying at home with me, partly because she'll be in the company of other old people and able to wander around at will, whereas I work from home and on the computer (online meetings etc) and would be leaving her in another room for hours while I get on with stuff -then when I have finished work, I'd just be tired and wanting to chill out rather than feed, bathe and entertain her
I can see that if she is in a residential home I could visit her as I do now but it would be less of a hassle as shopping, clothes washing and bathing would all be done at the home and no longer by me
Am so glad you have made the decision. Loads of support
Aisling
Josephine, I am glad you are feeling better, or that you were, when you wrote your post. There may be times when you are unsure about your decision. Hold on firmly to the idea that your mother will be safe, warm, and well cared for, and have the opportunity to be social and enjoy herself at times. Firmly!
I've said in your other thread but will repeat here, for the benefit of others who may be reading, that my mother (Alzheimer's and no short term memory) would never have wanted to go into a care home and insisted she was "fine" at home. She was not fine. She was anxious 24 hours a day, malnourished, not bathing, living in filth and dirty clothes, not able to take her medicine properly (which caused no end of problems including being in pain), lonely, constantly upset by mail and paperwork, not sleeping, and totally unable to care for herself or her home. In the care home, not only is she safe and warm, but she gets nutritious meals, they do her laundry and change her sheets, she has people to talk to round the clock, she has friends to eat meals with, and she enjoys the outings. (No, she can't remember them, but she remembers "going out" and that it was pleasant.) And she's fifteen minutes away instead of a hundred miles. You get the idea.
Sending you lots of good wishes and support.
I've said in your other thread but will repeat here, for the benefit of others who may be reading, that my mother (Alzheimer's and no short term memory) would never have wanted to go into a care home and insisted she was "fine" at home. She was not fine. She was anxious 24 hours a day, malnourished, not bathing, living in filth and dirty clothes, not able to take her medicine properly (which caused no end of problems including being in pain), lonely, constantly upset by mail and paperwork, not sleeping, and totally unable to care for herself or her home. In the care home, not only is she safe and warm, but she gets nutritious meals, they do her laundry and change her sheets, she has people to talk to round the clock, she has friends to eat meals with, and she enjoys the outings. (No, she can't remember them, but she remembers "going out" and that it was pleasant.) And she's fifteen minutes away instead of a hundred miles. You get the idea.
Sending you lots of good wishes and support.
Sorry I'm coming into this late but I felt I just wanted to say that I felt exactly as you do now. On the day that my mum moved into a CH I cried for hours but on a more positive note her health actually improved with the company and security that a CH offered her. It was like a weight was lifted from her shoulders (and mine) and eventually I actually began to enjoy my visits there. I work from home all my waking hours but when I visit mum I actually relax too. It has a lovely calming effect on me. Unfortunately mum cannot talk anymore but I love chatting to the other ladies in the lounge. I still have guilty times but I can see that mum's needs are better served there than living with me. I am sad that the grandchildren have no inheritance because that was mum (and dad's) wish but that's something else that I have had to accept. Mum and dad earned the money and if it's now being spent on mum well so be it. I know that I wouldn't be able to do everything the carer's can.
The best thing that you can do now for your mum is to spend time choosing a good CH. It's like picking a new home, it has to feel right when you first walk in.
Good luck and try to stop feeling guilty. It could end up being the best thing you've ever done for your mum.
The best thing that you can do now for your mum is to spend time choosing a good CH. It's like picking a new home, it has to feel right when you first walk in.
Good luck and try to stop feeling guilty. It could end up being the best thing you've ever done for your mum.
