Don't want mother living with me - am I a bad daughter not facing up to my duties?

[canary]

Dont think about the money at all. She still knows you and the house, She is still fairly mobile and I gather that there arent any incontinence problems yet, so, TBH, I think you are only at the beginning of your journey and she could live for many more years (or it might only be a few months). The money will go - if she is at home you will need to pay for house adaptations: a new bathroom (better still a wet room for when her mobility and personal care are a problem), grab rails, perhaps a ramp when her mobility goes, safety gates, lots of tamper-proof locks, possibly changing carpets for lino (more easily cleaned). Then she will need to pay for carers to come in and this will increase as her needs increase - she may end up needing 2 carers 4 times a day and if nights are a problem she will need someone in overnight or you wont get any sleep at all and your work will suffer. She will probably require day care and respite care in a CH to save your sanity and allow you work. Once she becomes incontinent then she will need to pay for pads (NHS supply some, but it seems like most people have to buy extra) and your water bills will increase due to extra washing.

All of this takes money - dont get caught up in trying to save it. All of my family know that they are unlikely to receive any inheritance from mum and she had funding from her home as well as savings of £45 thousand.

 

[fizzie]

I agree with so much of what others have said. You are NOT a bad daughter. Having anyone to live in your house is difficult but having someone live in your house with a tricky and deteriorating illness requires huge commitment and inner resources and external help. Some manage it (exhausting) and some do it really well and others struggle and some simply aren't cut out to make that kind of sacrifice. If you have even the slightest doubt then don't do it. You can be just as good a carer if your mum is in a home, you still have a lot to do lol - finding the right place which is good for her, visiting, checking all is well for her - all that takes time and caring too. There are different ways of caring - you can do it your way and everyone will be happier for it.

 

[Bod]

There comes a time when the best care you can give, is to let the professionals do it all.
You recognise your limitations, and they are very real.
Look for a good home, close enough to visit, and able to fully care for your mother.
Bear in mind, that when a person is better cared for in a home, than they were at home, life becomes much better for them, and may be live quite a bit longer.
This is something to enquire about now, "what happens when the money runs out?" Choose the right place, then Local Authority funding takes over, rather than having to move her, when she's settled.
£50,000 in Hampshire, would see her, for just over 7 months in care, before the £23,000 personal allowance started to have an effect.

Start with an assessment by the LA for her needs, once you have that, then look at homes that meet those needs, and accept LA funding.

Bod

 

[tigerlady]

As regards the money. if she goes into a care home as a self funder, they are only allowed to take money down to the lower limit, which is about £23,000, and then the LA take over the payments, so there would still be some for the grandchildren

And as others said, its not about the money, and anyway, it would probably cost a lot to have your home adapted for her, and you would probably suffer loss of earnings, and in the end she may still have to go into a care home.

 

[CynthsDaugh]

You are certainly not a bad daughter!

My Mum does live with me, but one of my 'lines in the sand' is if having her with me affects my work and she will possibly have to go into a care home if it does. I can't financially afford to reduce hours or anything like that. It's not the case at the moment, partly because I have a very generous leave entitlement and understanding bosses so hospital appointments etc. are not an issue. When you are self employed those things are not available. I don't think that 'line in the sand' makes me a bad daughter.

Sally

 

[ellejay]

I think perhaps your OH has a "rose tinted" view of how things would be if your mum moved in with you.

Unfortunately, her sheltered housing manager hasn't said your mum needs more care for no reason.

My mum was due to move into sheltered acc, but her Dementia worsened & she needed full time supervised care. She's been in her CH for almost 5 years now & mum is physically strong at 94.

There was no way I could have had her to live with me, I wasn't prepared to sacrifice everyone else's life & wellbeing, mine included,

We found the best care we could, we visit & make sure all's as it should be. It's not perfect, but I've never doubted my decision was the right one.

Take care of yourself, you are not a bad daughter, you're a daughter who will do the best you can for your mum.

Oh, & I'm sure your children would hate the idea that your health could suffer so they would inherit a few thousand at some unspecified time in the future.

Lin x

 

[CJinUSA]

My OH is not at home much of the day and two days a week he is out of town, so although I am sure he means well, the bulk of the care - toileting, washing feeding, and monitoring would go onto me, although as he points out, we could still have her two 30 min carer visits that she has at her sheltered accommodation.

Three years ago I gave up my teaching job of 30 years to work from home, online. So I have an office and I do teaching online, by video conferences around the world - I do a lot of meetings in video conferencing, I make tutorials and screencasts and facitilate help forums. Every couple of months I go to conferences in other countries (off to Japan on Friday) I am now the sole earner in the family and I'm afraid having my mother here will disrupt my work - I have visions of her wandering in and peering confusedly at people on the computer screen during a conference call to the US or something (!) And if OH and I were both away at the same time, even for only a couple of days, we'd have to get here into respite care.

We have a spare room but the bathroom is on a different floor - and she is too scared to go up and down stairs. .

Hello. First, you are not a bad daughter if you need your time to work because you are the sole earner currently. You also need mental space to get the work prepared in advance of being online.

I have had my mother in my home since 2008. It is demanding, time-consuming, and emotionally trying. I have a fully supportive OH who helps me with her. And I have a university job (as a professor). I can work from home when not required to be onsite teaching. I have day carers in *every* day for the main daylight hours, 9 - 5. It works for me.

The two parts of your message that indicate your situation would not work for you and your mother are these: you seem to feel guilty for not wanting your mother there, and you don't have an accommodation that will allow her to toilet herself by herself while she is still ambulatory.

The carer's role is not for everyone. It sounds to me as if you have plenty on your plate, and taking up the carer's role is its own "job." if you are having doubts, there are real reasons for this. Also, your mother will eventually not be able to leave her room. Lots of folks use commodes, but until they are totally not ambulatory, lots of dementia people don't like using commodes, they want the toilet.

While OH has a right to have his say, if he is not going to help immensely with the carer's role, then you would also have the extra burden of his emotional life being supported (he can do what he wants) while you work 24/7.

Many people on these boards can help you with the financials and logistics. I think the best decision in your mother's behalf would be placing her in a facility that can give her the care and full attention she will need.

Such hard, hard places we are put in. I hope you know that you are superwoman for feeling this way. Even superwoman needs help sometimes.

 

[CollegeGirl]

I personally feel that the best way to look at this is to understand that your mum's money is no-one's inheritance. It's her money. She has saved for a rainy day, and that rainy day is here. If it all gets used up on making the last years of her life comfortable, then so be it. That's absolutely fine, and as it should be.

So please don't worry one jot about money being left for her grandchildren . Surely no decent person would want to inherit money at the expense of someone's comfort and wellbeing (both hers and yours!)

I also agree with the others - it's unfair of your other half to make you feel guilty about this when most of the work would fall to you.

Best wishes x

 

[sleepingplum]

listen to yourself

It's getting to the stage where my mother's sheltered accommodation wardens are saying she really should be in a home. I'm ringing up the council for advice today. She would be self funding as she has about £50K. I want to do the best for her. My OH is saying really, we should have her at our place and look after her here. He says it for the best of reasons, because she still recognises me and the house and it would be less of a shock for her - and because, as he points out, it would save her money rather than the inheritance all going on residential care. Trouble is - the thought of this makes me so anxious and tense; I really don't want to -and then I feel guilty for not being willing to look after her in what is probably the last months of her life.

My OH is not at home much of the day and two days a week he is out of town, so although I am sure he means well, the bulk of the care - toileting, washing feeding, and monitoring would go onto me, although as he points out, we could still have her two 30 min carer visits that she has at her sheltered accommodation.

Three years ago I gave up my teaching job of 30 years to work from home, online. So I have an office and I do teaching online, by video conferences around the world - I do a lot of meetings in video conferencing, I make tutorials and screencasts and facitilate help forums. Every couple of months I go to conferences in other countries (off to Japan on Friday) I am now the sole earner in the family and I'm afraid having my mother here will disrupt my work - I have visions of her wandering in and peering confusedly at people on the computer screen during a conference call to the US or something (!) And if OH and I were both away at the same time, even for only a couple of days, we'd have to get here into respite care.

We have a spare room but the bathroom is on a different floor - and she is too scared to go up and down stairs. Whenever I take her out, she always insists on using the lift. She also has been caught in the sheltered accommodation wandering around at night and I fear I won't be able to sleep if I am afraid she is wandering around.

But then I think I am just making excuses for myself because I don't want her here; I' d rather have her in a nice home and visit her daily, even though I know it means all her hard-earned savings are going to go, depending on how long she lives.
Last night I lay in bed planning an escape to a local hotel while OH was left to look after my mother - and she doesn't even live here yet and no plans have even been mad!! It's ridiculous I am getting things out of all proportion and then feeling really bad.

it is a very difficult decision and it does only get worse and more stressful for you and your family if you sit down and talk it through with your other half tell him your reservations already. she would have constant company and care the best of all worlds.not everybody is cut out for caring full time please stop beating yourself up and I wish you all the luck in the world blessings

 

[Chemmy]

I personally feel that the best way to look at this is to understand that your mum's money is no-one's inheritance. It's her money. She has saved for a rainy day, and that rainy day is here. If it all gets used up on making the last years of her life comfortable, then so be it. That's absolutely fine, and as it should be.

So please don't worry one jot about money being left for her grandchildren . Surely no decent person would want to inherit money at the expense of someone's comfort and wellbeing (both hers and yours!)

I also agree with the others - it's unfair of your other half to make you feel guilty about this when most of the work would fall to you.

Best wishes x

I echo this ^^^^^ .....with bells on

 

[katy66]

I am in the situation of having been persuaded by my OH to have Mum live with us. He is rarely here.

We both regret doing it for various reasons not least of all that the time spent with Mum is not always very happy. You have to deal with all the chores and the unpleasant things. If she was in a CH and I could visit I think it would be much nicer for us all. I could spend proper time with her and we would both enjoy it more.

 

[Pickles53]

I echo this ^^^^^ .....with bells on

Me too, well said!

 

[angelface]

I agree with all the the above!

The main thing is that your instincts say you can't do it - and they have to be right.

As an only child, a lot of care for my family fell on me. Over 18 years,I was carer for 6 different people, (though they did not live with me).

At the end,I inherited quite a lot of money. I am very glad to have it.

However,my point is that I do not think the money was worth all those years wasted,nor all the upset and mental distress to myself. So how on earth can you worry about saving the money for the children? Dont mean to offend,just feel strongly,you see

When your mum does go into care,you will find you still spend a lot of time visiting and doing things to be sure she is ok.

 

[Amy in the US]

I'm sorry, I haven't read all the responses, so apologies if I repeat what others have said.

You are not a bad daughter. You are not a bad person. Full stop!

You care enough about your mother, to be concerned that she receive the best care possible.

Not all of us are in a position, for whatever reasons, to provide the best care possible in our homes.

Please weigh all the information carefully before making a decision. Also, please remember:

-nobody has a crystal ball and nobody can predict how long your mother will live, what other health issues she may have, et cetera.

-whatever her functioning level is now, is only how it is now. Dementia is a progressive disease and she will decline and need more care than she needs now. That could be next week, next year, or next month.

The money doesn't enter into this decision. Your mother's money is for her needs and care. Those "hard-earned savings" are for just this sort of situation! If there is anything left over, fine, but one doesn't make decisions in someone else's best interests based on the inheritance. Please try not to worry about "robbing grandchildren of their inheritance" because as long as your mother is alive, it's not their inheritance, it's your mother's money. I'm sure as her PoA you are already making good decisions in your mother's best interests, and I do know how stressful that can be. I am stopping here so as to not be offensive or overstep my knowledge of how funding works in the UK--not my intention and apologies if I have done just that. If the financial situation is of concern then perhaps it would be wise to consult the UK equivalent (please excuse the US terminology here) of an elder law attorney and/or financial advisor.

At the risk of being very blunt, if your husband thinks having your mother live with you is such a good idea, tell him to go and move in with your mother for a month and THEN see how he feels about moving your mother to your house, with him as the full-time caregiver, of course. I would wager he has not completely thought through all the details, and may not be aware of how much care your mother will need.

There are many threads here on TP from people who provide full-time care in their home, for their relatives. It couldn't hurt for your husband to hear from people who are in this situation. I would point him towards Ann's "So Bizarre" thread, among others.

For a little perspective from a different situation: I'm a carer for my mother, who lives in a care home 10 miles from me. I spend 10-50 hours per week on (not hands-on) caring, mostly paperwork/financial/legal/administrative issues for her, as well as making sure she has things she needs, talking to the care home staff, following up on medical issues, problem solving (she can't work her lamps, she's not putting dirty clothes in the laundry, her bed isn't comfortable), worrying about all those issues, and visiting. My husband helps, but there is no other family to assist me. These aren't regular working hours, by the way, it's days and nights and weekends, whenever my mobile rings because the attorney/accountant/care home needs something, so there's no separation between the caring responsibilities and the rest of my life (such as it is). So don't let anyone tell you that having someone in a care home, is not a job in and of itself.

I am sorry you are so upset, but it's understandable. It's an upsetting situation and I think it's especially hard when no solution feels like the "right" thing to do.

My apologies for any distress or upset I have caused, and my very best wishes to you in what is a very challenging and difficult situation.

 

[Slugsta]

I will echo much (most?) of what has been said already.

You are not abad daughter/person for taking a long, hard look at the situation, without any rose coloured glasses. Media would have us believe that all elderly people, with or without dementia, are white haired, rosy cheeked angels. Portrayals of dementia show people who are pleasantly confused and smiling. The reality can be terribly different! I agree that you could do worse than read the 'So bizarre' thread that Amy suggested. There is another by a young lady who is very distressed at the deleterious effect caring for granny is having on her parents.

It is kind of your husband to suggest that your mum comes and lives with you. Is he prepared to forego his days out to look after her if you are away, busy - or simply just need a day off? Will he get up to her at night to help her to the bathroom, change her sheets etc? Is he prepared to see his own lifestyle suffer because your earning potential has been reduced? TBH, I think he might have been taken in by those media images I mentioned!

Dementia is progressive, but the rate of progression cannot be predicted and people can live with it for many years, especially if they are physically strong. The person you once knew can be lost long before the heart gives up, even the best tempered person can be turned into a harridan by this awful disease and even physical violence is not uncommon

IMHO, you should listen to your heart and put your efforts into finding a lovely care home for your mum.

 

[VonVee]

No your not a bad daughter!

Your self preserving you self, and I don't blame you, my mother moved in with me 3 weeks ago and it's full on, bloody hard work, and unlike your mum, we don't have any money or a house to sell, so my mum moved out of the sheltered ACCOM she was in and moved in with us, after going wandering and missing 12 times in 5 months, 2 days before New Year's Eve, I had to go and retrieve her at 4.30 in the morning, and found her wandering the streets in her nighty and dressing gown, that was it, enough was enough, so now she's here, and I haven't stopped in 3 weeks, I've hardly seen my hubby or kids, it's just all been about mum, and then last night she had a bad turn and started being really nasty to me, which made me think, what the hell am I doing all this for, my mum and me aren't exactly what you call close, and we never have been, but we aren't self funding and can't afford care home fees, so it's cheaper her being here, how long I can do this for, time will tell.

But your not a bad daughter, so you do what you have to hon

I hope it all works out for you

Xx

 

[Beccaj]

Please don't feel guilty or that you're not facing up to " your duties ". I'm an only one and have just taken the heartbreaking step of putting mum into respite, knowing that it's unlikely she'll return home. Since Xmas she's deteriorated - she's gone from someone who suffered a few memory lapses and was self sufficient in her own home to a very confused lady suffering hallucinations and dreadful confusion, who didn't recognise her own home. My husband and I both work full time and have never known such sadness or stress - 10 days ago, we were at breaking point and on the advice of her GP, admitted her into care after she had a particularly bad few days and was deemed at risk living on her own. It's incredibly hard but I'm reassured she's safe and in great care, plus she gets the nursing she needs .... though Im full of guilt and it breaks my heart to leave her each time I visit. Everyone's circumstances differ, but rest assured, you are not alone - this is a dreadful situation for so many loving families.

It's getting to the stage where my mother's sheltered accommodation wardens are saying she really should be in a home. I'm ringing up the council for advice today. She would be self funding as she has about £50K. I want to do the best for her. My OH is saying really, we should have her at our place and look after her here. He says it for the best of reasons, because she still recognises me and the house and it would be less of a shock for her - and because, as he points out, it would save her money rather than the inheritance all going on residential care. Trouble is - the thought of this makes me so anxious and tense; I really don't want to -and then I feel guilty for not being willing to look after her in what is probably the last months of her life.

My OH is not at home much of the day and two days a week he is out of town, so although I am sure he means well, the bulk of the care - toileting, washing feeding, and monitoring would go onto me, although as he points out, we could still have her two 30 min carer visits that she has at her sheltered accommodation.

Three years ago I gave up my teaching job of 30 years to work from home, online. So I have an office and I do teaching online, by video conferences around the world - I do a lot of meetings in video conferencing, I make tutorials and screencasts and facitilate help forums. Every couple of months I go to conferences in other countries (off to Japan on Friday) I am now the sole earner in the family and I'm afraid having my mother here will disrupt my work - I have visions of her wandering in and peering confusedly at people on the computer screen during a conference call to the US or something (!) And if OH and I were both away at the same time, even for only a couple of days, we'd have to get here into respite care.

We have a spare room but the bathroom is on a different floor - and she is too scared to go up and down stairs. Whenever I take her out, she always insists on using the lift. She also has been caught in the sheltered accommodation wandering around at night and I fear I won't be able to sleep if I am afraid she is wandering around.

But then I think I am just making excuses for myself because I don't want her here; I' d rather have her in a nice home and visit her daily, even though I know it means all her hard-earned savings are going to go, depending on how long she lives.
Last night I lay in bed planning an escape to a local hotel while OH was left to look after my mother - and she doesn't even live here yet and no plans have even been mad!! It's ridiculous I am getting things out of all proportion and then feeling really bad.

 

[Onlyme]

Sit your OH down at the computer with the So Bizare thread open. Leave him reading it and then ask him if he is coming to look at care homes with you.

 

[Holly630]

It's getting to the stage where my mother's sheltered accommodation wardens are saying she really should be in a home. I'm ringing up the council for advice today. She would be self funding as she has about £50K. I want to do the best for her. My OH is saying really, we should have her at our place and look after her here. He says it for the best of reasons, because she still recognises me and the house and it would be less of a shock for her - and because, as he points out, it would save her money rather than the inheritance all going on residential care. Trouble is - the thought of this makes me so anxious and tense; I really don't want to -and then I feel guilty for not being willing to look after her in what is probably the last months of her life.

My OH is not at home much of the day and two days a week he is out of town, so although I am sure he means well, the bulk of the care - toileting, washing feeding, and monitoring would go onto me, although as he points out, we could still have her two 30 min carer visits that she has at her sheltered accommodation.

Three years ago I gave up my teaching job of 30 years to work from home, online. So I have an office and I do teaching online, by video conferences around the world - I do a lot of meetings in video conferencing, I make tutorials and screencasts and facitilate help forums. Every couple of months I go to conferences in other countries (off to Japan on Friday) I am now the sole earner in the family and I'm afraid having my mother here will disrupt my work - I have visions of her wandering in and peering confusedly at people on the computer screen during a conference call to the US or something (!) And if OH and I were both away at the same time, even for only a couple of days, we'd have to get here into respite care.

We have a spare room but the bathroom is on a different floor - and she is too scared to go up and down stairs. Whenever I take her out, she always insists on using the lift. She also has been caught in the sheltered accommodation wandering around at night and I fear I won't be able to sleep if I am afraid she is wandering around.

But then I think I am just making excuses for myself because I don't want her here; I' d rather have her in a nice home and visit her daily, even though I know it means all her hard-earned savings are going to go, depending on how long she lives.
Last night I lay in bed planning an escape to a local hotel while OH was left to look after my mother - and she doesn't even live here yet and no plans have even been mad!! It's ridiculous I am getting things out of all proportion and then feeling really bad.

I understand where you are coming from. I live with and take care of my grandmother. Before I moved in, my sister lived here for two years. She is a NURSE and it is her job to care for people and even she couldn't handle living here any longer. BUT, she went into it already thinking she wouldn't be able to handle it. She was miserable the entire time she lived here and my grandmother was so unhappy with her here. So I think if you are already having reservations at the thought of it, it would be best to put her in a home.

 

[Jonathan22]

It all depends on the situation. I can understand your problem.