Dont know what to do

jellymac

Registered User
Nov 29, 2014
63
West Midlands
My mom went into a care home four weeks ago, its been devastating for all of us, luckily she does seem to have settled quite well in there and has become dependent on the staff there, who are lovely. Its just so hard knowing my mom has to be in there now, my dad is struggling quite a bit and is finding it very hard. When I went to visit her last week Thursday she was really bad with me, did not recognise me at all, kept crying and trying to get away from me, I had my two young children with me as my eldest was off school due to voting. She was very upset afterwards as my mom hasn't been like this before. Various family members went over the weekend and my mom was fine with them. Yesterday I went with my husband and she was even worse with me, it was obvious I was a complete stranger to her, again she was leaning away from me and crying, I was doing everything I could to distract her but nothing worked. The more I was there the more upset and agitated she was getting, after 20 mins we decided it was best to leave, before I did my mom threw her bag at me and got up and walked away, we had to follow her as that was the way out, she was more upset when she saw us following so I just walked past and she turned and sat back down. I couldn't help it but starting sobbing, even my husband was crying. I spoke to the carer after, they said she was fine before I got there and after I had gone. I don't know what to do, she only seems to be like it with me. I know its just the disease but it hurts so much
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,014
Scotland
How very hurtful. Your heart must be breaking. This is a disease which just keeps on bringing more upset to families. This will pass but for the moment you are linked with something which is upsetting her. Probably her precious moments with you in the past. Stay away for a few weeks to give her time to forget this memory.

Good wishes.
 

anita1780

Registered User
Sep 13, 2015
57
My mom went into a care home four weeks ago, its been devastating for all of us, luckily she does seem to have settled quite well in there and has become dependent on the staff there, who are lovely. Its just so hard knowing my mom has to be in there now, my dad is struggling quite a bit and is finding it very hard. When I went to visit her last week Thursday she was really bad with me, did not recognise me at all, kept crying and trying to get away from me, I had my two young children with me as my eldest was off school due to voting. She was very upset afterwards as my mom hasn't been like this before. Various family members went over the weekend and my mom was fine with them. Yesterday I went with my husband and she was even worse with me, it was obvious I was a complete stranger to her, again she was leaning away from me and crying, I was doing everything I could to distract her but nothing worked. The more I was there the more upset and agitated she was getting, after 20 mins we decided it was best to leave, before I did my mom threw her bag at me and got up and walked away, we had to follow her as that was the way out, she was more upset when she saw us following so I just walked past and she turned and sat back down. I couldn't help it but starting sobbing, even my husband was crying. I spoke to the carer after, they said she was fine before I got there and after I had gone. I don't know what to do, she only seems to be like it with me. I know its just the disease but it hurts so much
I know how you feel , my mum doesn't recognize me as well and gets agitated, and it's very distressing, just try no to think too much about it, it's not your mum is the horrible disease that is messing up with her brain, if she safe and ok in the care home maybe try to stay away for a bit, a big hug
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,361
South coast
That must be awful (((hugs))))

People with dementia often have an "emotional memory" when they remember an emotion even when they have forgotten the reason. Something has happened to make her feel upset with you (was it perhaps you that went with her when she moved into the CH?) and now, although she can no longer remember who you are or what has happened, she remembers the emotion of being upset with you. Every time she sees you it reinforces this emotional memory. I agree with others, dont visit for a few weeks so that this memory fades - hard for you though.