I don't want to admit to you this evening that I didn't call the SS again - after all, they are in the process of getting someone to see Mum and I ....I hate to be a nuisance to anybody, and I feel in such a mess at the moment, it's all getting muddled. And then, from the previous experience with the SW, we will all sit together in Mum's sitting room. They will ask her, via me, how things are. She will say fine, they will look to me for verification. I will have to tell the truth. Mum will look at me as if it's all a pack of lies ......
I know we are not 'urgent' in the grand scheme of things -it seems only to be my word on what's happening. I don't want it to be on my word only -I need someone to back me up with their tests, to discover for themselves.
I did however leave a message with the DN who came to see us the other day (she was the one who liaises with SW's etc, and she did the initial referral. She told me that SS were snowed under at present, but that I was to make my case as I was to thnk about my own life, as well as Mum's. She will probably get bacj to me tomorrow -she is only part time I think), as she has always been reliable. But she won't be able to do anything further.
I love my mum,as I did my dad, and for instance this evening, she has turned up for her evening meal, looking exceedlingly well, talking a lot of sense in general terms. All the correct responses, in all the right places .......but she is starting to direct all her questions to my husband -bypassing me, the person who does everything. I have a lot on (who hasn't!), She eats her meal at speed, leaving the rest of us to finish in silence as converstaion dries up ....I have 2 0f my 3 children home from Uni , the 3red in her first job ...all wanting attention, all telling me that Grandma is no longer the same,and all I seem to concentrate on is my Mum. Which I want to do -I want her to have the very best, but my children's lives are diaspappearing in fron o fmy very eyes. They love her too, but can see the difficulties, the changes in her ......
Perhaps I am the only one who can detct Mum's disquiet ...but it's there. Making me feel so guilty all the time for trying to carry on, even tho I sense she is aware that I have so much on but unable to do anything about it. I know her personality, all her nuances, so I am feeling it more. Have just had an argument with my husband ... This is their life too. I can't push the SS as I'm not on firm enough ground. They seem surprised to learn it's difficult -that I am unique, then I think I must be weak. But I'm not. I can cope with quite a lot ............but this is going from bad to worsE. I need to believe they are listening to me. Perhaps they are, in theory .....This is a nightmare actually ..... I admire you all.
Sorry, very confusesd message, but had to get it all out.