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Do you believe your loved one understood you in the final stage?

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Gg2, Aug 25, 2015.

  1. Gg2

    Gg2 Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    81
    I was with my wonderful dad when he passed. I told him everything in my heart and how much I loved him. I was so glad I got the chance. He looked right in my eyes.

    Now I feel he won't have known who I was or what I was saying any way due to this ridiculous disease.

    What do you believe?


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,036
    Yorkshire
    #2 Shedrech, Aug 25, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2015
    That says it all
    That's what I believe.
     
  3. Gg2

    Gg2 Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    81
    I hope so. I'd love to believe that but also why would his brain suddenly work?


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  4. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,951
    I believe he will have known you were there and will have absorbed what you said and the loving feeling of you with him.
     
  5. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,973
    Suffolk
    Not all the brain goes, Gg. Only parts of it. Hearing is one of the last senses to disappear, so no reason to doubt that that he heard.
    On OHs last day, he appeared more or less unresponsive, GCS 3-4. Stepdau and I talked over all the nice things, parties, holidays, various events. In his younger days OH could do a wonderful lip curl a la Elvis. It came back!! We don't think it was pain, no other signs to back that up, we think it was his way at joining in with our chat and having pleasant or funny memories as well.
     
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #6 Margarita, Aug 25, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2015
    I believe at that stage
    Closeness is what counts, a hug, kiss touch.

    Acknowledging someone's need for closeness in the now in the moment is something we can offer freely is a gift we can both give and receive.
    I believe I received Acknowledgment from my mother as she look me straight into my eyes.

    Just like your father did with you, looking into your eyes .

    I believe when my mother look at me the eyes while I was telling her things, she may or may not of comprehended.
    She new how much I loved her .


    While in the room with my mother A doctor told me the hearing is the last thing to go when someone is dying thats from doctors view point.
     
  7. Sue J

    Sue J Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    8,041
    and his heart heard, not his brain.

    Dementia was the disease but not your Dad.xxx
     
  8. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Feelings are the most honest things about us.
    They are the expression of our spirit untrained by logic, reason and the inadequacy of the spoken word.
    They are the conversation between our heart and the world around us.
    They express what is important to us.

    ....STUART WRIGHT
     
  9. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    #9 lin1, Aug 25, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2015
    I noticed my mum seemed more aware in her last couple of months , it was something about her eyes, though she couldn't do a thing for herself the lights were definitely on.

    I believe with my mum that , underlying the damage that the Dementia had done over the years tthat she was aware and that her fog lifted and more of my mum was able to come through esp in her last hours.

    Gg2 I believe your dad knew you and understood you.
     
  10. elaina

    elaina Registered User

    Aug 10, 2015
    41
    Somerset
    I would agree about eye contact. My dad's eyes smiled at me in the last hours I spent with him. He couldn't talk or communicate in any other way . I don't know if he knew who I was but I just hope that he knew how much I loved him.
    The last occasion when I think my dad could remember me I told him I loved him and he told me:
    And I love you. Heaps and heaps and masses.
    Those are the words I have put on his flowers for his funeral on Thursday.

    x
     
  11. Gg2

    Gg2 Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    81
    That's lovely Elaina. My dads last words to me a few weeks before were 'King Kong' as we watched the movie. He hadn't spoken to me for months properly.

    Good luck for the funeral. My dad's was yesterday x


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  12. elaina

    elaina Registered User

    Aug 10, 2015
    41
    Somerset
    I think my dad's last words to me about 12 weeks ago were
    Shall I wait here for you?
    As you know, I did get to him to say my goodbyes but wasn't with him when he passed away.

    I hope your dad's funeral went as you wanted.
    I think there will be very few of us on Thursday. Over the 8 years he had Alzheimers - people just seemed to disappear.

    I am sure you are yet to see something of your dad in your new baby and in your other child as they grow.
    I looked at a photo of my dad in the 1950s when he did national service. My older son looks so much like him in this photo but generally I never noticed a resemblance.
    Such hard times - it has helped me to be able to speak to you via this forum.
    x
     
  13. nicoise

    nicoise Registered User

    Jun 29, 2010
    1,807
    #13 nicoise, Aug 25, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2015
    One of the last lucid things my mother said to me was "don't be sad, I'm quite happy..."

    When my daughter was very unwell and unconscious in Intensive Care, she didn't make any responses to anything that could be seen.

    But when she regained consciousness and could communicate again, she repeated back to me things I had said, and conversations she had overheard between the nursing staff. She can't remember any of that now.

    But it gave me comfort to know that someone deeply unresponsive could hear and understand what was being said - so I like to think that both my parents could hear our words of love in their final hours.... :)
     
  14. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    My father died some 12 years ago. He didn't have dementia but he was blind and very deaf, and had a massive stroke from which we were told there was no hope of recovery. He never opened his eyes after the stroke, simply passed away over a period of 48 hours in hospital.

    I sat with him, and talked about life, and how much we all loved him. I was holding his hand, of course, but there was no response. Until I mentioned his granddaughters, that is! :eek: I said A sends her love, she is doing her finals and you know she'd be here if she could. Dad suddenly squeezed my hand so tight, it was extraordinary. When I'd got over the shock, I talked to him about my other daughter. Same response!

    That squeezing was the only communication from dad in that time, but it has always convinced me that he could hear me, and that he knew we loved him, and were there as a family for him....Dad couldn't even open his eyes, but he still managed to connect. The equivalent, perhaps, of eye contact.

    Now that granddaughter A is getting married in two weeks, mum is in residential care and we are clearing her flat. I asked A is there anything she wants? Her reply: a photograph of nanny and grandpa on their wedding day in 1946, and she wants nothing else.

    Gg, I believe that people can hear and communicate in the direst of circumstances, and that family links can stay strong even through the generations :)

    Wishing you all the best

    Lindy xx
     
  15. Gg2

    Gg2 Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    81
    Nicoise that's very comforting.

    Elaina, my dad also did national service. We had a photo of him in the army yesterday and lots of people didn't know. There were around 50-60 at my dads. A lot of his friends have died but their relatives came. You never know. The main thing is that people are there who love him.

    You've also helped me on here. I'm here anytime.


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  16. elaina

    elaina Registered User

    Aug 10, 2015
    41
    Somerset
    My 4 children will be there. My oldest only came back from a year in NZ a couple of months ago and my second child is just about to go to South America for a year. It could have been that either of them might not have been there but, as it is ,all of his grandchildren will be there for him. But yes, I keep telling myself that all of us who loved him will be there.
    x
     
  17. Gg2

    Gg2 Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    81
    Thinking of you for tomorrow Elaina


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  18. elaina

    elaina Registered User

    Aug 10, 2015
    41
    Somerset
    Thank you so very much. My mum went to see him today but I chose not to. Am really struggling with this final goodbye.
    X
     
  19. Gg2

    Gg2 Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    81
    I went to see my dad and I wish I didn't as it didn't look anything like him at all, even when I think about him minutes after he died.

    I'll be thinking about you. Hope all goes well.


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  20. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    Thinking of you elaina, and wishing you strength for tomorrow and the days to come .

    Lindy xx
     

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