I am scared that one day i am going to blurt out ' YOU HAVE DEMENTIA'. Is it a bad thing to tell her? Will she just forget? She doesnt believe anything i tell her so will she pack her bags? Should someone else tell her? All the professionals seemed to shy away from the word. She was diagnosed a year ago and given back to us with medication. She just has memory loss at the moment so would it be mean? A cruel decision.
Do I tell her
- Thread starter Twoode
- Start date
Everything about dementia is difficult!!
I tend to refer to dementia to my mother in softer ways (when necessary) saying:
"Your memory is not as good as it was"
"whoops you have forgotten it, never mind"
But when we re in medical appointments occasionally I have had to remind a doctor that mum has vas dementia which I hate doing but she just takes it without comment. It is as if it doesnt register it.
I tend to refer to dementia to my mother in softer ways (when necessary) saying:
"Your memory is not as good as it was"
"whoops you have forgotten it, never mind"
But when we re in medical appointments occasionally I have had to remind a doctor that mum has vas dementia which I hate doing but she just takes it without comment. It is as if it doesnt register it.
It has been like that with me as well copsham. My mother had Vascular Dementia but we never mentioned this to her. We always talked about her poor memory. I think the word 'dementia' would have upset her. With my husband I never used to use the word 'Alzheimer's' at the beginning. As time has gone on, however, I now use it. I think he has passed the stage where he registers the word or even knows what it means.
I think you need to consider what benefit, if any, your mum would get from knowing she has dementia. I do feel she will forget it and therefore would have to be told over and over. My first thought is that it might be kinder nit to use the word.
I think you need to consider what benefit, if any, your mum would get from knowing she has dementia. I do feel she will forget it and therefore would have to be told over and over. My first thought is that it might be kinder nit to use the word.
It is difficult for someone else to tell you what to do. Only you know your Mum and how you think she may react if she heard the word dementia.
At some time in the future you may well shout, we all have at some time or other but it probably won't be 'you have dementia' it will probably be more to do with how you feel.
We were told by my husband's Consultant after his tests and scans that he had dementia and the form of dementia was Alzheimer's. My husband was fine in telling people the cause of his memory problem was dementia. It helped him a lot and he managed to carry on running his business for 4 years with the help of his colleagues because they understood his memory blips and his out of character behaviour. He obviously had not taken in which form of dementia he had.
Then came the tv adds highlighting Alzheimer's and the tv programmes always showing sufferers in the later stages and he would always say " I haven't got Alzheimer's have I? I could see the fear in his eyes so I would say " there are lots of different forms of dementia" and he was fine. There was no point in upsetting him by saying yes so he was upset by it and we would have agitation etc for hours only to be forgotten until the next time.
You will find your own way of dealing with it if it ever arises. Enjoy your time with your Mum today and try not to worry about tomorrow or next week until it comes. If your Mum is happy accepting she has some memory loss, I would leave it at that and let her get on with her life without casting a shadow over her. Some people like to know the ins and outs of everything, others like to stick their heads in the sand. I thought I was a know all there is to know but having experienced life with dementia for nine years now think if it was me with this horrid disease may be I would prefer to stick my head in the sand.
Take care and remember caring for someone with dementia is a hard job and we can only do our best and if we slip occasionally and get it wrong, it's not the end of the world.
Jay
At some time in the future you may well shout, we all have at some time or other but it probably won't be 'you have dementia' it will probably be more to do with how you feel.
We were told by my husband's Consultant after his tests and scans that he had dementia and the form of dementia was Alzheimer's. My husband was fine in telling people the cause of his memory problem was dementia. It helped him a lot and he managed to carry on running his business for 4 years with the help of his colleagues because they understood his memory blips and his out of character behaviour. He obviously had not taken in which form of dementia he had.
Then came the tv adds highlighting Alzheimer's and the tv programmes always showing sufferers in the later stages and he would always say " I haven't got Alzheimer's have I? I could see the fear in his eyes so I would say " there are lots of different forms of dementia" and he was fine. There was no point in upsetting him by saying yes so he was upset by it and we would have agitation etc for hours only to be forgotten until the next time.
You will find your own way of dealing with it if it ever arises. Enjoy your time with your Mum today and try not to worry about tomorrow or next week until it comes. If your Mum is happy accepting she has some memory loss, I would leave it at that and let her get on with her life without casting a shadow over her. Some people like to know the ins and outs of everything, others like to stick their heads in the sand. I thought I was a know all there is to know but having experienced life with dementia for nine years now think if it was me with this horrid disease may be I would prefer to stick my head in the sand.
Take care and remember caring for someone with dementia is a hard job and we can only do our best and if we slip occasionally and get it wrong, it's not the end of the world.
Jay
You could say that "you were diagnosed with Memory problems. I think they said something about Vascular Dementia, but basically they meant Memory Problems". Then in future you can call it Mum's memory problem to the GP etc and Mum might remember the other name but unless she says it I wouldn't give it it's sunday title.
Lots of brilliant comments above. With my MIL we always refer to it as her memory problems, she puts it down to her age saying everyone her age must be the same - she asks about my Mum is she the same? And I say yes - what's the point in upsetting her?
MIL has mixed Dementia, if I told her it would upset her so I don't see the point. Especially as she would forget anyway.
When she takes her Meds she always asks what's this one for? And I say it's for your memory and she always laughs and says that's important then isn't it!
MIL has mixed Dementia, if I told her it would upset her so I don't see the point. Especially as she would forget anyway.
When she takes her Meds she always asks what's this one for? And I say it's for your memory and she always laughs and says that's important then isn't it!
Mum has never been told outright she has Alzheimers, but memory problems.
Even with her Donepezil, sometimes she asks what they are for, and other times she knows they are for her memory.
If you ask Mum though her memory is no worse than anyone else her age, and Yes she does forget things but she remembers later.
She freely admits to forgetting things, and has said she must be away with the fairies.
Even despite being given a business card from the lady from Alzheimers Society, that picks her up, to take her to Alzheimers Activity group, she has never questioned anything else.
She even says to me how she thinks some of the people that go have Alzheimers.
A few years back when Mum was diagnosed with a slow growing type of Leukemia, and last year with early stage bowel cancer she said that she didn't want to know if anything else was wrong with her as she wouldn't hack it.
I have had to keep this in mind, but boy it is hard.
Even with her Donepezil, sometimes she asks what they are for, and other times she knows they are for her memory.
If you ask Mum though her memory is no worse than anyone else her age, and Yes she does forget things but she remembers later.
She freely admits to forgetting things, and has said she must be away with the fairies.
Even despite being given a business card from the lady from Alzheimers Society, that picks her up, to take her to Alzheimers Activity group, she has never questioned anything else.
She even says to me how she thinks some of the people that go have Alzheimers.
A few years back when Mum was diagnosed with a slow growing type of Leukemia, and last year with early stage bowel cancer she said that she didn't want to know if anything else was wrong with her as she wouldn't hack it.
I have had to keep this in mind, but boy it is hard.
