House, which is fairly large(has been too large for her!) has become in need lots of repair. I have a critical but disengaged brother to deal with too. It would be an extra and impossible headache to repair and maintain it.Otherwise i could see the sense in that. Thanks.
Discharge from hospital!
- Thread starter SweetPepper
- Start date
Hope the 'lunch visit' goes well today. My mom prefers to be in her room but does go into the lounge occasionally and for meals. Dreading my visit today as last week she reckoned she was going home and I was to pick her up Friday. As much as I would love to let her go home (or even come and live with us) deep down I know she is in the best place.
I was surprised and very pleased to find her up, dressed, and sitting in one of the main rooms in the home, in a bay window in the sunshine! She did have her coat with her so I assume she thought she was going home (although she hasn’t mentioned her home at all). Some brought her a cup of tea and suggested lunch in the same place but I suggested the dining room with other residents so off we went, there was 15-20 people in there and I left mum eating creamed turkey with veg and rice and went off to get my hair cut. No smell of wee or wet spots on the chair.
She is probably the most ‘with it’ person in there which makes it harder for her of course.
The manager explained to me what happened when mum was assessed for DOL, which sounds sensible.
She is probably the most ‘with it’ person in there which makes it harder for her of course.
The manager explained to me what happened when mum was assessed for DOL, which sounds sensible.
@SweetPepper - your comment about being the most 'with it' person brought back memories of when MIL first went into care. She didn't appear too bad - the back story said differently - the home used to give her a duster and let her 'get on with the housework' , she also laid tables for lunch and pottered about 'tidying up'. It made her feel useful and also stopped her stressing about being there - she thought she was at work.
Thigs are very different now , over 2 years later, but she settled and they love her.
Thigs are very different now , over 2 years later, but she settled and they love her.
Thank you all, it went to pot this afternoon when the home called me to say that mum was in the admin office and refusing to leave. Locked door policy, and mum was trying to get out. I spoke to mum on the phone and she is very suspicious (which is a new thing), I to,d a porkie and said that SS has decreed she could not leave the home. She has started saying to people ‘I don’t like you’, which is absolutely normal for my mum! The home was a bit ‘we can’t do much’, I said get one of you on either side and escort her out of the office to another room, you absolutely have my permission to do this in order to regain your office and move her on. Not heard anything since!
@SweetPepper, the locked door policy at home's first home was something she tried to circumvent. Mum hated the thought she couldn't get out and I understand that. The home encouraged me to take her out for coffee and though I was loathe to do that at first she did actually enjoy it when we did go. This stage of dementia is a tricky one, as your mum is obviously still pretty aware of a lot of things, but totally oblivious to the fact she can no longer live independently. It is very sad when things do move on and the person with dementia becomes much less aware of things, but in some ways it is, if not easier, at least less stressful to cope with.
Like @thistlejak's mother in law the home gave mum things like photocopying to do or put on her favourite films to distract her. It's early days and there will probably be various similar incidents, but a good home should be able to cope with them.
Like @thistlejak's mother in law the home gave mum things like photocopying to do or put on her favourite films to distract her. It's early days and there will probably be various similar incidents, but a good home should be able to cope with them.
Your mom sounds a lot like mine - mine is also 'with it' but has no concept that she is not safe to live home alone. Mom tried to leave the care home when she was first admitted to the extent that she attempted to put a fire extinguisher through the front door. Unfortunately some 8 months later mine still wants to leave but 'touch wood' has not tried force.
Last week she was apparently going home and I was to pick her up on Friday - I kept away. Today when I got there she was not in her room but her bed was full of her belongings neatly packed in bags. I went to find a carer to see what was going on and her words were she has settled now. I could see her sitting in the lounge but she could not see me and I hate to admit I left as I thought by seeing me would make her think I was there to take her home and she would get unsettled again. Worlds worst daughter of the year award goes to me.
Last week she was apparently going home and I was to pick her up on Friday - I kept away. Today when I got there she was not in her room but her bed was full of her belongings neatly packed in bags. I went to find a carer to see what was going on and her words were she has settled now. I could see her sitting in the lounge but she could not see me and I hate to admit I left as I thought by seeing me would make her think I was there to take her home and she would get unsettled again. Worlds worst daughter of the year award goes to me.
The irony is this that my mother has shown no interest in setting foot out of her own front door for about three years! I am hoping the care home will advise me to stay away for a few days, but will be led by them.
@SweetPepper we're about a month ahead of you and due to Mum's lack of memory, she still doesn't know that she doesn't live in her own home.
Her home has open visiting, so I can pop in at any reasonable time of day. I started with every other day visiting but I find it difficult to open my mouth without upsetting her.
The home haven't asked me to reduce visits but for the sake of both of us, I'm now visiting less. I have taken her out without any problems but find it best to restrict these trips to her occasional "good" day.
Her home has open visiting, so I can pop in at any reasonable time of day. I started with every other day visiting but I find it difficult to open my mouth without upsetting her.
The home haven't asked me to reduce visits but for the sake of both of us, I'm now visiting less. I have taken her out without any problems but find it best to restrict these trips to her occasional "good" day.
@JHAb, @SweetPepper, @My Mum's Daughter and anyone else who think they are being ‘bad’ by not visiting, that is far from the truth, though I know it feels that way. Your person with dementia is now in a place that meets their needs and you are still caring even if you aren’t being hands on.
My mum has never totally settled into care, and like @JHA I visited one day in the early days saw she was in a talk about musical films ( her favourite thing) and just slipped away. Now mum is asleep most of the time. I don’t try to wake her up just go and find a carer to check how’s she’s been
Losing a parent bit by bit is tough, but we are here for each other.
My mum has never totally settled into care, and like @JHA I visited one day in the early days saw she was in a talk about musical films ( her favourite thing) and just slipped away. Now mum is asleep most of the time. I don’t try to wake her up just go and find a carer to check how’s she’s been
Losing a parent bit by bit is tough, but we are here for each other.
No no no! You are absolutely not - you are a sensible daughter and did the right thing.
You could be describing my mother. (It never ceases to amaze me that dementia behaviours can be so similar.) When I moved mum to a home (she'd had a severe decline following a fall, hospital, and needed it) she was still well dressed, presentable and articulate. She could fool most people (including the hospital consultant!) and pass for completely normal. She would pack her bags to leave most days, demanded to be let out, tried to smash the doors with a chair (not a fire extinguisher though in her anger she did pull one of those off a wall and lobbed it at a carer with hulk-like strength...) and all those things your mum does. She took to sitting in the foyer with her coat on and her bag. One day she managed to escape by approaching the door at the same time as a visitor (who knew the code) was coming in and the guy politely held the door open for mum to leave. Fortunately she was spotted before she reached the end of the drive and brought back.
The admin lady, who was in the office next to the foyer got wise to mum and was brilliant with her. She gave mum a clipboard and pen and asked if she'd keep a note of everyone who came and went. So mum sat happily in the foyer with her clipboard (which only ever got a few scribbles) and was convinced she was at work. She was in the home for 3 years before she died - I don't think she ever really settled but she did stop trying to leave.
As for turning tail, I did that a few times. If I arrived and mum had that feral look I knew I was in for it so I'd just turn round and go. There is only so much I can take and to be honest, it didn't do her any harm. Having yet another angry rant at me would not have helped her.
Thank you so much for posting this it is exactly what I needed to hear. I know I have done the right thing it just breaks my heart that I have had to do it.
I called the home this morning and my mom was settled the carer went into her room to check on her whilst I was on the phone. Unfortunately things have gone a bit pearshaped since lunch time she has rung me twice but could not hear me and has just called again begging me to pick her up and despite me saying I cannot go to fetch her she is apparently walking home. Just hope the home is houdini proof as when she was in hospital last year she managed to leave the ward and get about a mile up the road thankfully she nipped into the toilet at McDonalds and they realised she was not with it and rung the police - she was missing for nearly an hour.
Well my dear mother refused to leave the admin office last night and finally fell of an office chair, the standard five wheel base ones with no arms, at 4am! She refused her meds this morning and when I saw her at lunchtime she was freezing cold and exhausted Ted and mentally wandering. So I wrapped her up warmer and backed up the head nurse when he persuaded her to take meds. I do hope she starts to settle soon.
It is obvious that your mum is where she need to be even if she'd rather be somewhere else, @SweetPepper , so hang in there.
Although my mother never totally settled, she did improve a lot, and I suspect she had some good times in her first care home though she always wanted me to take her somewhere else when I visited.
I'd have a chat with the manager and senior staff and see how they think she is settling in to put your mind at rest.
Although my mother never totally settled, she did improve a lot, and I suspect she had some good times in her first care home though she always wanted me to take her somewhere else when I visited.
I'd have a chat with the manager and senior staff and see how they think she is settling in to put your mind at rest.
Hi Sarasa, I’m lucky enough to chat to quite a few staff every time I go there, I was with the manager for about 20 minutes yesterday and 10 minutes today, and the senior nurses all chat when I’m not with mum too (and the chefs, and housekeeping…). Senior nurse said yes please keep coming in, so I shall for a bit.
Dad died ten years and mum moved up close to me - I worked on finding her friends and things to do for the first year then left her to it and she let it all lapse. There’s no point in pushing her to do stuff or chat to people, she is not interested, but that’s not my fault and I won’t give her my life to take over.
I’m glad things are getting sorted for your Mum although it must be difficult when the care home ring you for every little thing. They should really have the expertise in dealing with challenging behaviour and shouldn’t be ringing you. I’m at the beginning of all this as my Mum is currently in hospital awaiting a social care assessment. I live 3-4 hours car journey away and work full time. Like you I don’t want my life taken over by my parents needs and it already feels overwhelming and all consuming as I didn’t have much contact with them in the past. I would set boundaries about calls from the home and make it clear that you are not available at the end of a phone 24/7.
The calls were only a couple and in the first week, I visit about three times a week now and mum is settling down a lot.
