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Deterioration and the disease is really winning

Flake

Registered User
Mar 9, 2015
222
Not been on here for a while - somehow been busy! My mum is deteriorating rapidly. She came out of hospital (urine infection) had reablement for 7 weeks and now has a care package after a referral to social services. SW said it would be better to try and keep her at home and was very good but is leaving the job today.The new Carers are not brilliant, do not seem to understand simple instructions but are trying. I just seem to be constantly moaning. My mum is not eating much not drinking much either. She is now down to 49kg (7st ish) and looks terrible. She has a bed sore and a small one on her elbow. She mumbles incoherently and makes no sense most of the time. She accused me of hitting her today! To be honest I have had enough, checking up on the Carers, checking up on her, trying to work full time and concentrate on what I do as it is a demanding job, and also running my home.I had a moment the other day when I could not remember what I had done or was doing for one of my clients. Panic set in as I thought I had dementia! a quick diagnosis and a rapid recovery thankfully. Not sure what to do next - do I stick with the Carers and see how things go, do I see about Care Homes, the SW recommended two close to where we both live and do I sell her home to fund the care or do I rent it out and use that and her savings for funding. I need to feel my Mum is safe, fed, watered, looked after and I really want to stop feeling so damn angry. This disease has changed by Mum beyond recognition and the once houseproud and clean woman has now become a shell of her former self. I dont know what to do for the best. I would welcome your thoughts and ideas. Thank you :(
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,051
Yorkshire
Evening Flake
Apologies. I'm tired so will be brief.
This part of your post stuck out for me
I need to feel my Mum is safe, fed, watered, looked after and I really want to stop feeling so damn angry
So I infer you don't think she is safe at the moment - and before that you wrote about care homes - so, respectfully, I suggest you have actually reached a decision about what is next. And, for what it's worth, reading your post, I agree.
Maybe acting on that will help the anger? Not sure it will completely dissipate - there are so many emotions involved in this dementia experience.
I would sell the house - one less ongoing issue for you.
A tough time for you and your mum - I feel for you.
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
Isn't it dreadful how you have to make these huge decisions at the lowest and most stressful points in life. If the SW has already mentioned care homes I think that indicates that it is in her mind too, and as you thought she was good I would have a look and a really good chat to the staff.
I personally would sell the house and be done with it. But that is just based on my own feelings, I am no good with having to sort out gas, electric, safety certs, insurance, bank stuff. I can do without all that.
 

Flake

Registered User
Mar 9, 2015
222
Evening Flake
Apologies. I'm tired so will be brief.
This part of your post stuck out for me

So I infer you don't think she is safe at the moment - and before that you wrote about care homes - so, respectfully, I suggest you have actually reached a decision about what is next. And, for what it's worth, reading your post, I agree.
Maybe acting on that will help the anger? Not sure it will completely dissipate - there are so many emotions involved in this dementia experience.
I would sell the house - one less ongoing issue for you.
A tough time for you and your mum - I feel for you.
Had a disturbed nights sleep mulling over everything and I think the decision is made. You are right about the house - think it is the guilt part that made me think about renting it out, but dementia is never going to improve and once she has left I dont think/know she wont be back. Will speak to SS next week.:( Thank you for your reply xx
 
Last edited:

Flake

Registered User
Mar 9, 2015
222
Isn't it dreadful how you have to make these huge decisions at the lowest and most stressful points in life. If the SW has already mentioned care homes I think that indicates that it is in her mind too, and as you thought she was good I would have a look and a really good chat to the staff.
I personally would sell the house and be done with it. But that is just based on my own feelings, I am no good with having to sort out gas, electric, safety certs, insurance, bank stuff. I can do without all that.
Morning, and thank you for your reply. The social worker did say to try and keep Mum in her home for as long as possible. Twice I have been round to find the door left open, and once my mum has been found trying to get into a closed shop (hairdressers - on a Sunday) and the neighbour brought her home. Reablement also found the door unlocked and ajar on the night time visit (10pm) and this is what is at the back of my mind. Careful thoughts through the night and I think the best option is to sell. You are right sorting out gas, electric etc etc and getting good tenants is something I dont really want to think about as well. Thanks again xx
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,051
Yorkshire
Morning Flake.
It's a difficult decision but now made I hope you are able to find somewhere you are content for her to be looked after - and so some calm from that anger for you and the comfort you seek for her.

Going to dad's in the middle of the night and finding front door open, lights blazing and him gone (lovely ladies found him at the bottom of his street and took him in so all ended well) was why I found him a care home; so I fully understand your fears, especially in her fragile condition.

Best wishes
 

Flake

Registered User
Mar 9, 2015
222
Its got worse

Mum went on a walkabout on Sunday eve. Her neighbour spotted her going out and not returning. A friend and her son in one car and me and my son in another spent half hour driving around. Got a call from the police - she had been taken there - was very cold but safe. She had gone out in slippers, summer clothes and no coat looking for her 'home'. She had used the key which we thought was safe. Yesterday she had no recollection of it and when I went round tonight and she was ready to go out again only could not find the key. She got quite nasty and refused to take her coat off. I managed to get her to sit and have a warm drink and some food (her late afternoon carer had left nothing out for her). The time has come for her to have Residential Care I know that now for sure. How do I get her to leave her house to go to a strange home. I feel guilty already let alone having to lie. :(
 

IzzyJ

Registered User
Aug 23, 2015
86
Cotswolds
Flake, I just wanted to add some sympathy here for you. The decision to move to residential care is so hard, and the logistics must be really daunting too, particularly with everything else you are doing. I haven't had to broach that conversation with my mum yet - is it worth starting a specific thread asking for help on how to do it, from people who have? Or do you have a good CPN who can advise? Wishing you all the very best anyway (((hug)))
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
Mum went on a walkabout on Sunday eve. Her neighbour spotted her going out and not returning. A friend and her son in one car and me and my son in another spent half hour driving around. Got a call from the police - she had been taken there - was very cold but safe. She had gone out in slippers, summer clothes and no coat looking for her 'home'. She had used the key which we thought was safe. Yesterday she had no recollection of it and when I went round tonight and she was ready to go out again only could not find the key. She got quite nasty and refused to take her coat off. I managed to get her to sit and have a warm drink and some food (her late afternoon carer had left nothing out for her). The time has come for her to have Residential Care I know that now for sure. How do I get her to leave her house to go to a strange home. I feel guilty already let alone having to lie. :(
Flake - give yourself a break! You're not guilty. You are loving; compassionate; kind and caring. Or you wouldn't be looking out for your Mum's well-being. You'll derive comfort knowing she is safe. I hope you get the kind of care we did, xxxxxxxxx
 

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