You rabbit away! Sorry I haven't had any time to reply until now. We have had exactly the same conversation about attendance allowance. More than once. With the same result. Usually he'd get every penny he could, but it would mean facing up to it, and admitting to the outside world that he has a problem wouldn't it? A thorny one... also I have thought of getting the dog a pill box, as the last time he decided to do it he managed to give her the wrong meds!Oh, every time we communicate there is something uncanny. Our GP suggested Vascular Dementia but no diagnosis. I was looking at a bunch of conditions the other day and dementia just fit so clearly but because of the way he is in company and the lack of diagnosis by the so called experts there is still a doubt in my mind.
We had a long chat the night before about the need for support and he was very angry. I think he should apply for Attendance Allowance but he doesn’t. Usually the idea of more money would appeal but I suppose he sees it as proof of how dependent he is. My worry is about mess. If he eats cheese sandwiches every day for a month,so be it but if he leaves a trail of dirt and bad smells this is not good. I know he will take out the dog and we are organised with her medication but if she needs the vet I have no idea how he will manage that. We rarely need to drive because of where we live. He doesn’t have his own car and I changed mine early this year and he hasn’t driven the new car. I am terrified of him driving although the last time he drove he was very good. The main use of the car is going to the Vet! Does your husband still drive? I think I need to try to write down as many potential issues and the solutions before I go again. Last time he lost his keys and had the locks changed at vast expense even though there was a simple solution (my daughter has a set of keys). He claimed he did not know this even though they let themselves in the building whenever they call. He now has a key chain attached to his jeans and this works very well. I hope I haven’t repeated myself there. It is so helpful to write this down.
I have have just made a memory board. Unlike most things, he thinks this is a good idea. It is essentially a plank of wood painted with blackboard paint with hooks on and baskets on. The dog’s lead etc are there with a list to remind us what to take out with us. Useful for me to as I tend to forget a towel to wipe her feet if it wet. When I go out I can write down where I am going and approximately what time I will be back and any other significant reminders for the day. I do have an personal electronic diary that he can access but as any work has confidential names and addresses I can’t share this diary with him. The only problem it that I haven’t worked out the best place to put it. Just realised I can write down jobs to do too!
Sorry to rabbit on. So useful to collect my thoughts. I need to go away in January. Ideally I want someone to call round every couple of days to have a chat and cast an eye over the flat but with the lack of friends and family (he has no children, they are from my first marriage) and his resistance to formal support I have to think carefully how to manage this. Missing a funeral is not good. Will he not let your dog out or take it out? When I go away I leave a checklist so he ticks that he has given her her meds (out of a dosette) and ticks that she has had her walks. Fortunately this worked very well the last times I went away. As it is now 4am I really should get to sleep!
I'm struggling for Christmas presents for him. Another jumper... but what else? I love your memory board. How's that going? I bought an alarm clock that has stylus and a section for a daily reminder that can be changed everyday. I have to evict him to the spare room on a regular basis, the other night I only got 3 hours. He lies on his back and seems to find it more and more difficult to roll over on his side, making the snoring and heavy breathing even worse.
Yes, mine still drives. We went through a year of him being banned due to his EEG suggesting epilepsy, this was about 8 months before the brain scan. It was one of the worst years of my life. He is the passenger from Hades. Since he was allowed to drive again, we've bought a new car, I made him get one that has top marks for safety for people both inside it and outside! He's generally ok, getting a bit slow at roundabouts and junctions, so gets a lot of people cutting him up. And a few beeps are happening now. One thing the car has, is an alert for if you've wandered out of lane. Strange how much it goes off when he's driving, yet doesn't go off for me ... he also blames the positioning of the pedals for him crunching the gears, even though he does it in my car as well, and again, it's not a problem for me.
keys !!! he was so adamant that it was the keys that were sticking, he wanted the front door lock changed. So we swapped and has had to admit that it was him.
Have you been to a local 'Carer's Hub'? they might be able to come up with help for when you want to be away. Also it might be worth looking into the Princes Trust for Carers, see if they have any way of helping you out?
I'm escaping to be a lady that lunches today, so need to go, but will be looking out to hear from you again...