Desperately seeking support

Angryperson

Registered User
Oct 27, 2017
34
0
My husband has had a battery of psychological tests, which show he has memory problems and concentration problems but not dementia. He will not accept he has a significant problem and gets horribly bad tempered about it. The memory service do not believe he has a significant problem. His GP does, though. I actually agree that it is not dementia, but he does have very serious issues. He does everything so slowly it drives me mad. He forgets pretty much everything. He used to be immaculately clean and tidy but now looks like a rough sleeper. He will not go out alone except to walk the dog. Today I was so angry I did not cook him a proper meal as he just sat watching television having forgotten what he had agreed to do. Yesterday I had to drag him to see a GP because it was obvious he had a UTI because of the revolting smell. He cannot have a telephone conversation, he rarely showers and cannot even attempt to get in the bath. He hates coming to bed but falls asleep the moment his head hits the pillow. Anyone who knows him is horrified at the change in him. Sorry, I need to rant. I have been lying awake for hours, having woken up to get him to bed. I used to go away regularly but am afraid to leave him as he eats nothing but cheese sandwiches left to his own devices. I don’t know what to do next. I have spoken to the psychologist and explained that some of the tests results were wrong (yes, they were!) and she was ok about this but in the meantime I have a situation I cannot cope with. I am so exhausted most of the time.
 

philamillan

Registered User
Feb 26, 2015
96
0
Hello Angry.

This situation is obviously overwhelming for you.

I am assuming that your husband is not that old. Somehow it sounds as if he is less than 70 years old. This is important as something about the description does not seem to completely fit.

It may be that he is worse because of the UTI but it seems that this deterioration has happened pretty quickly.

Dementia tends to be a slowly progressive disorder over about 10 years with some fluctuations in function. This may be one of the less common forms of dementia and possibly seeking the help of a Neurologist could be useful.

Since his GP agrees with your thoughts maybe he may be open to a referral?

All the best.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
Hello Angry

Has your husband been referred to a neurologist? I suspect he needs some neurological testing in addition to psychological testing. If his GP agrees there is a problem perhaps he will make the referral for him.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,333
0
Victoria, Australia
Hello Angry and welcome to TP.

You certainly have a number of difficult issues to deal with at the moment. From what you are saying, your husband is showing considerable signs of changes in personality, behaviour and cognition and all of these could be signs of dementia or something else. Denial that there is a problem is extremely common in dementia patients so that will be no surprise to any of us.

My husband had neuropsychological testing along with scans and other tests done over three years ago and the diagnosis was of 'atypical' Alzheimers. However, he continues to confuse everyone by still being able to play bridge, is still high functioning but it is his long term memory that is shot. He has had severe cardiac problems and of course that could well be a part of his condition.

He has just had another series of psychological testing and we get the results on Monday and it will be interesting to see what they come up with this time.

You seem to have a good relationship with your GP and I would like to suggest that you seek his help as he does seem quite familiar with your husband's state of health. My GP has been been a wonderful support and he listened to what I had to say, and together we have come up with ways of getting my husband to cooperate.

I don't think for a moment that you can just continue as you are and I believe your husband could benefit from further investigation.
 

Angryperson

Registered User
Oct 27, 2017
34
0
Hello Angry.

This situation is obviously overwhelming for you.

I am assuming that your husband is not that old. Somehow it sounds as if he is less than 70 years old. This is important as something about the description does not seem to completely fit.

It may be that he is worse because of the UTI but it seems that this deterioration has happened pretty quickly.

Dementia tends to be a slowly progressive disorder over about 10 years with some fluctuations in function. This may be one of the less common forms of dementia and possibly seeking the help of a Neurologist could be useful.

Since his GP agrees with your thoughts maybe he may be open to a referral?

All the best.
Thank you. He is 68 and is memory started to deteriorate two years ago after a change in his blood thinning meds, although stopping statins got him back for a couple of weeks. While I was lying awake last night, I thought just the same about a neurologist as I have quite a bit of experience of dementia and he doesn’t fit the profile. The trouble is my husband is increasingly resistive to medical interventions.
 

MaryH

Registered User
Jun 16, 2016
120
0
Ottawa, Canada
There are different types of dementia and the only way to be sure is with scans and neurologists or geritricians but seems he has some medical condition that are risk factors to dementia. Is he on blood thinners for atrial fibulation (irregular heartbeat)? what other health conditions does he have? 68 is earlish for dementia but some do get it at that age or earlier.
 

Gladys Hattie

Registered User
Jun 21, 2017
19
0
So sorry for this distressing experience situation. You must insist on getting a carers' assessment from your GP. Do not underplay any of the distress and difficulty this is causing you. If there is any way you can get some respite care built in, that will help you. If your husband is resistant, that is a problem but shouldn't stop you from seeking help. They are not nationwide to my knowledge, but if you live in an area they cover, then Carers First offer a great support system. Also, depending on your area, you can get reasonably priced assistance with bathing from the Age UK community services team. They are very persuasive about getting reluctant people into the bath! You don't mention other family members, but if there are family members or friends who might be able to persuade him, it could help you to get them on board, to come round on the day of the bathing team, and persuade him gently but firmly to accept a bath. Sometimes people will be more responsive to outsiders than to family members when it comes to bathing and personal care. If your husband is safe to be left alone, I highly recommend getting a walk, a swim, or just sitting in a coffee shop at least once a day, otherwise you are at high risk of burnout. Eating cheese sandwiches is actually not the end of the world (although of course you will want to persuade him to have a more varied diet when you are there).
 

Peachez

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
124
0
South East England
. ... just a thought that depression can go with all sorts of conditions inc' dementia, and can result in lack of personal care and appetite changes.

The symptoms you describe sound similar, though more profound, than my OH's. We went from pillar to post through Geriatrician, Neurologist and a Consultant Psychiatrist, who eventually sent him for a SPECT brain scan. Apparently this looks at blood flow and oxygen take up rather than the structure of the brain. Then the consultant phoned and cancelled our appt, and came to our house instead (Gulp!!!) to give us the news that the scan showed OH had Mild Cognitive Impairment, and it may well be the beginning of a downward path... if nothing else shows up on MRI/CT (my OH's came back clear) it may be worth making inquiries about this type of scan.

18 months on and my OH is still in denial. He has high levels of anxiety which can make my life a misery. He often looks unkempt, I have to nag relentlessly to get him to trim his beard; get him to change a dirty jumper, and recently seems to have some trouble with dressing properly, walking round yesterday with his jumper belted into his trousers at the front...he falls every so often, and has memory problems plus a lot of trouble with dates/times/numbers... so very different from the man I married who worked in high flying account type jobs and was always so sharp in dress and mind... He is 67 now, and also addicted to cheese !
 

Angryperson

Registered User
Oct 27, 2017
34
0
. ... just a thought that depression can go with all sorts of conditions inc' dementia, and can result in lack of personal care and appetite changes.

The symptoms you describe sound similar, though more profound, than my OH's. We went from pillar to post through Geriatrician, Neurologist and a Consultant Psychiatrist, who eventually sent him for a SPECT brain scan. Apparently this looks at blood flow and oxygen take up rather than the structure of the brain. Then the consultant phoned and cancelled our appt, and came to our house instead (Gulp!!!) to give us the news that the scan showed OH had Mild Cognitive Impairment, and it may well be the beginning of a downward path... if nothing else shows up on MRI/CT (my OH's came back clear) it may be worth making inquiries about this type of scan.

18 months on and my OH is still in denial. He has high levels of anxiety which can make my life a misery. He often looks unkempt, I have to nag relentlessly to get him to trim his beard; get him to change a dirty jumper, and recently seems to have some trouble with dressing properly, walking round yesterday with his jumper belted into his trousers at the front...he falls every so often, and has memory problems plus a lot of trouble with dates/times/numbers... so very different from the man I married who worked in high flying account type jobs and was always so sharp in dress and mind... He is 67 now, and also addicted to cheese !
We seem to have a lot in common here. My husband is 68 and had good jobs, always immaculate etc. I think there are a lot of small things going on adding up to big ones. He had a UTI when I wrote the original piece. Antibiotics have sorted this out and he seems a little better. He also has low mood but won’t do anything about this. He is constantly in the way - he moves so slowly we are always falling over each other. However, I am lucky because when we go out with friends, he gets tidied up and really enjoys himself, which gives us both a big boost. He rarely repeats himself in company either. This gives me a lot of hope but he has no real friends of his own and only a much older sister who tries to keep in touch but he isn’t good at maintaining the relationship. One of the worst problems is because he isn’t ‘labelled’ it is difficult to access support. I can’t get anyone in to help as he would not understand what they were there for as he considers he has no problems. A carers assessment would achieve nothing (trust me!). I suppose all we can do is watch and wait and hope. x
 

Kale-and-mash

Registered User
Nov 4, 2017
32
0
Hi Angryperson,
That sounds distressing for both of you and it would be great if you could get some time to yourself.

It's good that he does enjoy himself when you go out with mutual friends. Maybe you could contact one of these mutual friends (or a dementia friend/befriender/sitter) who has the same hobbies or interests as him and can take him out.

Or before both of you go out with your mutual friends, maybe you could have a word with the friends in advance explaining you need a couple of hours to yourself, and when you all meet up, they could then suggest to your husband that he could go off with them to watch a football match/go to the cinema/a museum/for a walk. That way it might seem less daunting than if someone asked him to go on an outing without you from the start?

Or if you all go out for a meal together, perhaps get two tables, so you and your husand sit at different tables but you are both surrounded by friends. It could be a way of giving you a bit of breathing space to relax and chat and your husband may also enjoy his chat with friends while also knowing you are not far away.

Everyone's different of course, and these suggestions might not appeal to your husband.
Best of luck!
Kale-and-mash
 

Angryperson

Registered User
Oct 27, 2017
34
0
Hi Angryperson,
That sounds distressing for both of you and it would be great if you could get some time to yourself.

It's good that he does enjoy himself when you go out with mutual friends. Maybe you could contact one of these mutual friends (or a dementia friend/befriender/sitter) who has the same hobbies or interests as him and can take him out.

Or before both of you go out with your mutual friends, maybe you could have a word with the friends in advance explaining you need a couple of hours to yourself, and when you all meet up, they could then suggest to your husband that he could go off with them to watch a football match/go to the cinema/a museum/for a walk. That way it might seem less daunting than if someone asked him to go on an outing without you from the start?

Or if you all go out for a meal together, perhaps get two tables, so you and your husand sit at different tables but you are both surrounded by friends. It could be a way of giving you a bit of breathing space to relax and chat and your husband may also enjoy his chat with friends while also knowing you are not far away.

Everyone's different of course, and these suggestions might not appeal to your husband.
Best of luck!
Kale-and-mash
Thank you. I do get a lot of time to myself. I have done a lot of voluntary work since retiring and am able to get out and about any time. He hates the work I do, resentful of the time I spend sorting other people’s problems out, as he sees it. However, when I am at home, like now, he is asleep with the television on and when I turn it off for some peace and quiet he wakes up, telling me he was watching. I think it is the shocking transformation at such an early age that upsets me so much. And having to sort out the messes he makes. He was always so much tidier than me but now he leaves pots lying around and when he does put things away I can’t find them. I have always gone away often as well and am worried that he is getting to a stage where he needs support to cope on his own but would find this ridiculous. We don’t have the sort of friends that could help nor does he have relatives who could help.
 

Peachez

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
124
0
South East England
We seem to have a lot in common here. My husband is 68 and had good jobs, always immaculate etc. I think there are a lot of small things going on adding up to big ones. He had a UTI when I wrote the original piece. Antibiotics have sorted this out and he seems a little better. He also has low mood but won’t do anything about this. He is constantly in the way - he moves so slowly we are always falling over each other. However, I am lucky because when we go out with friends, he gets tidied up and really enjoys himself, which gives us both a big boost. He rarely repeats himself in company either. This gives me a lot of hope but he has no real friends of his own and only a much older sister who tries to keep in touch but he isn’t good at maintaining the relationship. One of the worst problems is because he isn’t ‘labelled’ it is difficult to access support. I can’t get anyone in to help as he would not understand what they were there for as he considers he has no problems. A carers assessment would achieve nothing (trust me!). I suppose all we can do is watch and wait and hope. x
@Angryperson Snap !!! always having to dance round my OH in the kitchen when he just stops and stares at what I'm doing, and prompting "would you like to get the plates out... " etc. I used to have to ask him to slow down when we were out on walks, and now I have to keep stopping to let him catch up. When I'm busy doing chores he keeps , most infuriatingly :mad: , telling me in a slow voice to " ...slow down... " when I'm just trying to get things done! He'll copy me, or do one thing at a time when asked, but doesn't seem to 'join the dots' anymore if you know what I mean.

We've just got back from the hospital, (annual check up for me,long story) and within moments of coming in he's asking if his trousers are too long... if I'm going to phone the vet ... if I'm going to my friend's funeral on Thursday... please... just let me get my shoes off and get some coffee...

Good that yours still enjoys company. Mine does too, but likes me to be there for backup. Once on the way home, he actually said " I don't think I repeated myself, did I?" so he def knows and makes an effort in public. It's just that effort that gets them past assessments etc, as I guess they were brought up to "Pass" anything that looks remotely like a test. Mine is very talented at it. However the recent incident of him Burbling gibberish at a waiter, is going to be reported to the GP like it or not! I'm getting to the point of wanting him reassessed.

Keep up the voluntary work! I do whatever I can to get out of the house and stay in touch with 'normality' as much as I can. Knowing I can hold a normal conversation is very reassuring when at home one is constantly wondering ' .. is it me??'

Right, I'm off to phone the vet. Deep breaths and chin up Angryperson, you are not alone XXX
 

Angryperson

Registered User
Oct 27, 2017
34
0
@Angryperson Snap !!! always having to dance round my OH in the kitchen when he just stops and stares at what I'm doing, and prompting "would you like to get the plates out... " etc. I used to have to ask him to slow down when we were out on walks, and now I have to keep stopping to let him catch up. When I'm busy doing chores he keeps , most infuriatingly :mad: , telling me in a slow voice to " ...slow down... " when I'm just trying to get things done! He'll copy me, or do one thing at a time when asked, but doesn't seem to 'join the dots' anymore if you know what I mean.

We've just got back from the hospital, (annual check up for me,long story) and within moments of coming in he's asking if his trousers are too long... if I'm going to phone the vet ... if I'm going to my friend's funeral on Thursday... please... just let me get my shoes off and get some coffee...

Good that yours still enjoys company. Mine does too, but likes me to be there for backup. Once on the way home, he actually said " I don't think I repeated myself, did I?" so he def knows and makes an effort in public. It's just that effort that gets them past assessments etc, as I guess they were brought up to "Pass" anything that looks remotely like a test. Mine is very talented at it. However the recent incident of him Burbling gibberish at a waiter, is going to be reported to the GP like it or not! I'm getting to the point of wanting him reassessed.

Keep up the voluntary work! I do whatever I can to get out of the house and stay in touch with 'normality' as much as I can. Knowing I can hold a normal conversation is very reassuring when at home one is constantly wondering ' .. is it me??'

Right, I'm off to phone the vet. Deep breaths and chin up Angryperson, you are not alone XXX
This made me smile. I am not alone! How much of this do I identify with?! Especially the ‘is it me?’ and this morning, I had to ring the vets! I do wonder what is going on though. My husband does have significant health issues but there are no other factors that would pre-dispose him to dementia. No family history, not diabetic, he walks everywhere, that’s one reason we have a dog. However, the other reason is that she keeps him company and we love dogs. Some of the things happening are an exaggeration of traits that were already there but the lack of personal care is certainly not and is shocking. One thing I have noticed is that he is not so bad when he has had an alcoholic drink. Although we are not big drinkers, we often have a cocktail or glass of wine when we are out and he becomes more focussed. We were out last night and when we got home had a serious discussion about the situation. I do not know how much depression is a part of his problem. The psychologist did identify low mood but he will not admit to this to anyone but me. Neither of us want him to take antidepressants but nothing is on offer and time is flying by. My main concern is that he will not cope next time I go away and he thinks he will. So, we have a task for him - he is to produce the evening meal, including going shopping for it and without me interfering!
By the way, back to the kitchen, does your husband put things away? Never to be found again?
 

Peachez

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
124
0
South East England
This made me smile. I am not alone! How much of this do I identify with?! Especially the ‘is it me?’ and this morning, I had to ring the vets! I do wonder what is going on though. My husband does have significant health issues but there are no other factors that would pre-dispose him to dementia. No family history, not diabetic, he walks everywhere, that’s one reason we have a dog. However, the other reason is that she keeps him company and we love dogs. Some of the things happening are an exaggeration of traits that were already there but the lack of personal care is certainly not and is shocking. One thing I have noticed is that he is not so bad when he has had an alcoholic drink. Although we are not big drinkers, we often have a cocktail or glass of wine when we are out and he becomes more focussed. We were out last night and when we got home had a serious discussion about the situation. I do not know how much depression is a part of his problem. The psychologist did identify low mood but he will not admit to this to anyone but me. Neither of us want him to take antidepressants but nothing is on offer and time is flying by. My main concern is that he will not cope next time I go away and he thinks he will. So, we have a task for him - he is to produce the evening meal, including going shopping for it and without me interfering!
By the way, back to the kitchen, does your husband put things away? Never to be found again?
That's interesting about the alcohol, how's his blood pressure, does it vary much, maybe the alcohol brings it down and that helps? Or is it the company and going into 'Hostess mode' that does it? Does the same thing happen if you drink at home? Might be worth doing a control experiment or two! We go to a pub once a week or so, but it usually just dampens him down - or he just plain goes to sleep. His bladder problems get worse after drinking too.
Good luck & Let me know how you get on with the meal planning/cooking... just hide the bread and cheese first ! ;).

It sounds like the anti depression meds are a possible avenue that might help your situation. Mine was so anxious about side effects, that at first he refused to take his anxiety drugs... (intelligence is not always a blessing :rolleyes:), until his Consultant Psychiatrist very nicely insisted! Remind him that they take weeks to work, and that if they really make no difference, that he can always come off them (slowly) later.

Refusing to let mine get anywhere near me for any type of cuddle / holding hands etc, and deliberately looking him up and down, accompanied by 'you look like Worzel Gummage' or such like, has the desired effect on him making an effort with appearance when other hints don't work. We now have him a routine whereby he goes to a chiropodist in the village once a month, and we use that as prompt and he gets his hair cut etc on the same day. I just wish he'd let the hairdressers do his beard and eyebrows too o_O

... back in the kitchen: he will empty the dishwasher ok. Anything remotely unusual gets left out for me to file. The sink and draining board always get ignored though which pushes my buttons. Loading the dishwasher is a different story though... and hanging out or folding laundry is a work of wonder ... either he uses as many pegs as humanly possibly or I have to wonder if he just threw it at the line?!
 

Attachments

  • gloves.jpg
    gloves.jpg
    377 KB · Views: 577

Angryperson

Registered User
Oct 27, 2017
34
0
That's interesting about the alcohol, how's his blood pressure, does it vary much, maybe the alcohol brings it down and that helps? Or is it the company and going into 'Hostess mode' that does it? Does the same thing happen if you drink at home? Might be worth doing a control experiment or two! We go to a pub once a week or so, but it usually just dampens him down - or he just plain goes to sleep. His bladder problems get worse after drinking too.
Good luck & Let me know how you get on with the meal planning/cooking... just hide the bread and cheese first ! ;).

It sounds like the anti depression meds are a possible avenue that might help your situation. Mine was so anxious about side effects, that at first he refused to take his anxiety drugs... (intelligence is not always a blessing :rolleyes:), until his Consultant Psychiatrist very nicely insisted! Remind him that they take weeks to work, and that if they really make no difference, that he can always come off them (slowly) later.

Refusing to let mine get anywhere near me for any type of cuddle / holding hands etc, and deliberately looking him up and down, accompanied by 'you look like Worzel Gummage' or such like, has the desired effect on him making an effort with appearance when other hints don't work. We now have him a routine whereby he goes to a chiropodist in the village once a month, and we use that as prompt and he gets his hair cut etc on the same day. I just wish he'd let the hairdressers do his beard and eyebrows too o_O

... back in the kitchen: he will empty the dishwasher ok. Anything remotely unusual gets left out for me to file. The sink and draining board always get ignored though which pushes my buttons. Loading the dishwasher is a different story though... and hanging out or folding laundry is a work of wonder ... either he uses as many pegs as humanly possibly or I have to wonder if he just threw it at the line?!
That's interesting about the alcohol, how's his blood pressure, does it vary much, maybe the alcohol brings it down and that helps? Or is it the company and going into 'Hostess mode' that does it? Does the same thing happen if you drink at home? Might be worth doing a control experiment or two! We go to a pub once a week or so, but it usually just dampens him down - or he just plain goes to sleep. His bladder problems get worse after drinking too.
Good luck & Let me know how you get on with the meal planning/cooking... just hide the bread and cheese first ! ;).

It sounds like the anti depression meds are a possible avenue that might help your situation. Mine was so anxious about side effects, that at first he refused to take his anxiety drugs... (intelligence is not always a blessing :rolleyes:), until his Consultant Psychiatrist very nicely insisted! Remind him that they take weeks to work, and that if they really make no difference, that he can always come off them (slowly) later.

Refusing to let mine get anywhere near me for any type of cuddle / holding hands etc, and deliberately looking him up and down, accompanied by 'you look like Worzel Gummage' or such like, has the desired effect on him making an effort with appearance when other hints don't work. We now have him a routine whereby he goes to a chiropodist in the village once a month, and we use that as prompt and he gets his hair cut etc on the same day. I just wish he'd let the hairdressers do his beard and eyebrows too o_O

... back in the kitchen: he will empty the dishwasher ok. Anything remotely unusual gets left out for me to file. The sink and draining board always get ignored though which pushes my buttons. Loading the dishwasher is a different story though... and hanging out or folding laundry is a work of wonder ... either he uses as many pegs as humanly possibly or I have to wonder if he just threw it at the line?!
alcohol always seems to help. My theory is that it relaxes him and lifts his mood. His blood pressure seems pretty stable and not too high. The meal didn’t happen! What a surprise but he did make me a bacon sandwich that was delicious.
I am amazed you can get him near a chiropodist. My husband desperately needs this but won’t go near one. He was very good about getting a haircut until the last time he needed a haircut when he was looking very unkempt.
Yes, I have exactly the same issue with the washing up. He used to clear up almost obsessively once. We live in an open plan flat and he hated to see the pots on the draining board but now.....
I think we have husbands with an as yet unidentified syndrome - how about Worzel Gummidge syndrome? Very worrying though!
 

Peachez

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
124
0
South East England
@Angryperson , It's him that wants to go, his feet get painful otherwise, I'll do fingernails but draw the line at feet. He seems to feel pain differently theses days - sometimes I just have to touch him lightly and he says ouch!

My OH decided to help out with dinner last night, he got a bit muddled, but chopped all the veg. It was only stir fry, but when the time came he declined to actually cook it. But he did stand and watch me, and he poked a wooden spoon in now and then!

Then in the evening there was a bit of an altercation between OH and a nieghbour who had parked a bit inconsiderately affecting access to our drive. It was dark and rainy, I didn't hear what was said, but when he came in he was clearly affected and upset.
Now , with these two things, I feel I have to stay at home this week, when I was due to be away for at least one night, to go to my Aunt's funeral. I can't take him as my daughter has a 12 hour shift that day, and someone needs to be at home for the elderly dog... :oops: I'm in a quandary...

What are your plans for going away after your Bacon Sarnie non meal event?

I have come across the "exaggeration of existing traits" with other PWD, and it certainly seems to be with my OH as well. Two years ago my GP told me her opinion was Vascular Dementia, I remember leaving the surgery feeling like I'd been hit with a wrecking ball. The further we go on, the more I have to agree with her though. I went to a Dementia Friends talk yesterday, and everything seemed to fit. :confused:

I'm very glad we found each other Angryperson . Living without a diagnosis when there is clearly something wrong is so frustrating. Of course it could be something else still, or it could be more than one thing at once, but support for this limbo is very scant.
 

Angryperson

Registered User
Oct 27, 2017
34
0
@Angryperson , It's him that wants to go, his feet get painful otherwise, I'll do fingernails but draw the line at feet. He seems to feel pain differently theses days - sometimes I just have to touch him lightly and he says ouch!

My OH decided to help out with dinner last night, he got a bit muddled, but chopped all the veg. It was only stir fry, but when the time came he declined to actually cook it. But he did stand and watch me, and he poked a wooden spoon in now and then!

Then in the evening there was a bit of an altercation between OH and a nieghbour who had parked a bit inconsiderately affecting access to our drive. It was dark and rainy, I didn't hear what was said, but when he came in he was clearly affected and upset.
Now , with these two things, I feel I have to stay at home this week, when I was due to be away for at least one night, to go to my Aunt's funeral. I can't take him as my daughter has a 12 hour shift that day, and someone needs to be at home for the elderly dog... :oops: I'm in a quandary...

What are your plans for going away after your Bacon Sarnie non meal event?

I have come across the "exaggeration of existing traits" with other PWD, and it certainly seems to be with my OH as well. Two years ago my GP told me her opinion was Vascular Dementia, I remember leaving the surgery feeling like I'd been hit with a wrecking ball. The further we go on, the more I have to agree with her though. I went to a Dementia Friends talk yesterday, and everything seemed to fit. :confused:

I'm very glad we found each other Angryperson . Living without a diagnosis when there is clearly something wrong is so frustrating. Of course it could be something else still, or it could be more than one thing at once, but support for this limbo is very scant.
Oh, every time we communicate there is something uncanny. Our GP suggested Vascular Dementia but no diagnosis. I was looking at a bunch of conditions the other day and dementia just fit so clearly but because of the way he is in company and the lack of diagnosis by the so called experts there is still a doubt in my mind.

We had a long chat the night before about the need for support and he was very angry. I think he should apply for Attendance Allowance but he doesn’t. Usually the idea of more money would appeal but I suppose he sees it as proof of how dependent he is. My worry is about mess. If he eats cheese sandwiches every day for a month,so be it but if he leaves a trail of dirt and bad smells this is not good. I know he will take out the dog and we are organised with her medication but if she needs the vet I have no idea how he will manage that. We rarely need to drive because of where we live. He doesn’t have his own car and I changed mine early this year and he hasn’t driven the new car. I am terrified of him driving although the last time he drove he was very good. The main use of the car is going to the Vet! Does your husband still drive? I think I need to try to write down as many potential issues and the solutions before I go again. Last time he lost his keys and had the locks changed at vast expense even though there was a simple solution (my daughter has a set of keys). He claimed he did not know this even though they let themselves in the building whenever they call. He now has a key chain attached to his jeans and this works very well. I hope I haven’t repeated myself there. It is so helpful to write this down.

I have have just made a memory board. Unlike most things, he thinks this is a good idea. It is essentially a plank of wood painted with blackboard paint with hooks on and baskets on. The dog’s lead etc are there with a list to remind us what to take out with us. Useful for me to as I tend to forget a towel to wipe her feet if it wet. When I go out I can write down where I am going and approximately what time I will be back and any other significant reminders for the day. I do have an personal electronic diary that he can access but as any work has confidential names and addresses I can’t share this diary with him. The only problem it that I haven’t worked out the best place to put it. Just realised I can write down jobs to do too!

Sorry to rabbit on. So useful to collect my thoughts. I need to go away in January. Ideally I want someone to call round every couple of days to have a chat and cast an eye over the flat but with the lack of friends and family (he has no children, they are from my first marriage) and his resistance to formal support I have to think carefully how to manage this. Missing a funeral is not good. Will he not let your dog out or take it out? When I go away I leave a checklist so he ticks that he has given her her meds (out of a dosette) and ticks that she has had her walks. Fortunately this worked very well the last times I went away. As it is now 4am I really should get to sleep!
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
Regarding how he is in company: don't discount the amazing ability of host/hostess mode in a PWD (person with dementia)! It can be very uncanny, but does not mean they don't have dementia. It certainly can make you wonder and doubt yourself, though!

That is very interesting about the alcohol, as generally it mixes poorly with dementia (and of course some medications and medical issues). Plus it's a depressant. But everyone is different and you just never know.

No worries about repeating yourself, or long posts. Sometimes you just need to talk and TP is a good place for that!
 

Angryperson

Registered User
Oct 27, 2017
34
0
Regarding how he is in company: don't discount the amazing ability of host/hostess mode in a PWD (person with dementia)! It can be very uncanny, but does not mean they don't have dementia. It certainly can make you wonder and doubt yourself, though!

That is very interesting about the alcohol, as generally it mixes poorly with dementia (and of course some medications and medical issues). Plus it's a depressant. But everyone is different and you just never know.

No worries about repeating yourself, or long posts. Sometimes you just need to talk and TP is a good place for that!
Thank you. This is why I am confused about the alcohol. I haven’t heard about host/ess mode. He used to be quite gregarious but just sits more quietly now but laughing a lot appropriately. I know he needs an interest and to mix with others more but I have no idea how to motivate him.