Desperate for help

[Fkrober]

My dad was diagnosed with the beginnings of dementia due to having amyloid angiopathy back in February. In the last 2 years he has had 3 strokes, and is now living in a home for people with dementia, which he hates. He has a bit of a memory problem, but it is more his logic and sense that are going. He is now convinced there is nothing wrong with him (2 separate doctors said that before they saw his CT and MRIs) and wants to move back to Canada (my sister & I were born there, but my parents are from Liverpool so we are all back in the UK with family trying to deal with this, and my mum who has multiple myeloma but is thankfully in remission). Sorry, this is a bit rambling, but I am at my wits end.

He is constantly lying to us and not telling us what is going on, so we have only just found out that his idiot GP sent him to a psychiatrist (which cost him £385) who he told he was seeing as his family were concerned about his cognitive function after a road accident which left him in the hospital for 2 months. He did have an accident, but then had a stroke while in A&E and was in the hospital for 3 weeks. Now this doctor has referred him to a doctor in Harley Street for a neuropsychological assessment. GOD knows how much that is going to cost!?!? They are also referring him to get a brain scan, which will likely also be expensive.

What can I do? If I step in my father will go berserk, but if I don't I am worried that all these idiot doctors are going to rinse my dad for thousands! Forgot to mention he reason my dad is doing all this is so the 'specialist' can prove to US (!) that he doesn't have dementia and can move back to Canada.

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello and welcome to Talking Point.

This seems a very difficult situation. Is there any chance to can speak or indeed write to the GP to explain that in no way should your father be going for more private assessments and would he use the NHS system for his patient's care.

However if your father WANTS to use his own money for private assessments there is very little you can do about it, nor indeed can the GP.

Hopefully others will come along soon who have had similar experiences.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP

Maybe you could accompany your dad to his appointment & see what us really going on.

 

[Bod]

Welcome to TP

Maybe you could accompany your dad to his appointment & see what us really going on.

Best idea!
Call your fathers bluff, go with him to the Dr's.

Wanting to go "home" is very common with dementia, normally they can't say where "home" is, just thought to be somewhere in their past they felt safe.
Ask the GP for a referral to the Memory Clinic, they'll have more of an idea whats wrong.

Bod

 

[cobden28]

Father's finances.

Also, does your Dad still have legal control over his own finances? If you or someone else has legal control over your Dad's money, could you simply refuse to let your Dad go to these ludicrously expensive private medical appointments and /or to pay the bills for them?

 

[Mrsbusy]

Now you may think me awful for suggesting this but here goes. How about you ring the expensive doctors and cancel the appointment? Then tell your Dad that they have phoned whilst he was out and had to postpone the appointment as the doctor had a family emergency to attend to but will get back in touch when he's back, hopefully he will forget about that and if not you can tell him he's still not called.

In the meantime contact his GP and tell him that you don't really agree with going down the private route etc, and ask why it's been suggested. It maybe that Dad has insisted on second opinion and GP has said if he wants one he will have to pay for it so that's how this has started. It may not be but just a suggestion.

I would insist on going with Dad to appointments as you are concerned if he wants to know why, and it's easier if you take him and of course we can have a coffee afterwards to make a trip out of it. Any reason really just do that you know what's being said by both parties.

If you aren't local to Dad maybe ask for a telephone appointment with his GP to discuss the situation, as I find letters get ignored unfortunately.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[karen1967]

Best idea!
Call your fathers bluff, go with him to the Dr's.

Wanting to go "home" is very common with dementia, normally they can't say where "home" is, just thought to be somewhere in their past they felt safe.
Ask the GP for a referral to the Memory Clinic, they'll have more of an idea whats wrong.

Bod

My mum wants to go home all the time, and as much as we try to get her of the subject it does not always work with her. I think when home is on her mind its there for a long time no matter what we do. I have put a little note on mums table of all the things she asks us about the house she owned, the fact she gave it her son, its sold, where all her fav belonging are and so on, I did this so she didn't get worried about all these things and didn't need to wait till one of us comes home before getting the answers she needed regularly. She can glance at the note and read it as if she had never read it before and have her answers.
Anyway back to what I am trying to say, I do not think calling mums bluff when she wants to go home would work she would just wait for us to take her home one day. as if we said she could go home she would know what day you had said and want to go that day, its to strong of a feeling for some.
Hope that made some sense, sorry if it didn't.

 

[arielsmelody]

I would look at this from a different angle to some of the other posters. Although he has problems, your father has not lost mental capacity and he is obviously anxious enough about his mental health and his situation in the home he dislikes to be looking for help from the medical profession. If he has sufficient funds to pay for these private examinations, do you have the right to try to stop him spending his own money on something that is important to him? It might be that they do come up with something that may help, even if you think that is unlikely, or it might help him come to terms with his diagnosis to hear it from a third party.

I agree that it would be a good idea to ask if you can accompany him to the appointments, and keep an eye that the money spent is proportionate to his overall financial situation, but I don't think you have the right to go behind his back.