Desperate. Appalling Situation

[tryingmybest]

Good evening everybody. I am not writing for myself today but for a friend who has found herself in the most dreadful situation.

A bit of background information...........My friend is in her 40's and had always lived with her parents. Her Mum sadly and suddenly, passed away about 3 years ago with cancer. My friend and her Mum were very close and she has struggled with depression ever since and has found life really hard without her Mum. She had also been trying to care for her Dad who had been displaying symptoms of Alzheimer’s as well as working long shifts and also caring for her dogs as well of course, with coping with her grief of losing her Mum.

To cut a long story short, her Dads symptoms became progressively worse. He became doubly incontinent, verbally and physically aggressive towards her and her dogs, refusing his insulin for his diabetes and other medication and refusing entry to the carers that my friend had arranged to go in and see to him whilst she was at work. He also had several serious falls. He refused to have a bed downstairs or have a commode and on several occasions she found him fallen at the bottom of the stairs when she got home from work. Eventually after the last fall, he was admitted to hospital and after a stay there and a long fight, my friend arranged a Best Interests meeting with SW, her sister who was in denial that anything was wrong (who she has an LPA with jointly and severally), nursing staff and herself and a friend, and with help from her GP, managed to get it agreed that Dad go into a CH. He is self funding much to her sisters disgust as I believe she sees "her inheritance" diminishing and wanted Dad to return home despite him being so unsafe. She has never helped my friend in the care of their Dad incidentally. Eventually my friend found a nice CH and Dad went to live there but has never settled and continues to be aggressive to my friend when she visits and wants to go home which I know is something that many PWDs do.

My friend has just told me she was invited to a meeting today at the CH. It seems the SW (probably at the insistence of my friends sister who is still in denial) has decided Dad has miraculously regained capacity and they want him to do a “trial day” at home with view to it being a permanent arrangement. My friend has been told to take the day off work and put her dogs in kennels when Dad comes home for the trial. She is obviously beside herself as she doesn't want to go back into the situation she found herself before. She doesn't believe Dad is any different to what he was previously. By sending him back home after nearly a year of being in a CH, can the SW insist on this? He is not safe and my friend does not want to start caring for him again as well as juggle her work. She simply cannot cope. She has been told by this SW it is her Dads home and he can go back whenever he likes and she can't do a thing about it!!!

What on earth can she do? Her GP wrote an excellent letter to be passed around at the meeting outlining why Dad is not safe and that my friend is not in a position to look after him and juggle long shifts at work but it seems they want to rush this through and get him home.

Both my friends GP and myself have suggested she get an independent capacity assessment done for her Dad but I don’t know what else to suggest?

Sorry if this is somewhat garbled but my friend has only just told me and I am so upset for her, angry and also extremely concerned for her. Please can someone help me to help my friend. Thank you.

 

[love.dad.but..]

What a dreadful situation for your friend to be placed in but what a lovely friend she has in you giving her support. I don't have any knowledge of the workings of SS as dad didn't have mental capacity so as his attorney and self funding my sisters and I made the sad best interest care home decision after caring for him in his home 24/7 after mum died suddenly. However after a year in the care home her dad is likely to be like a fish out of water back alone in his own home and it is the case that many pwd ask to go home as a comfort thing no matter where they are even their home. Dad did that. Presumably this all hinges as a self funder on whether he is deemed to have mental capacity so personally I would get someone urgently other than the SW to assess him as a second opinion. Surprised SS are so insistent as they are not having to fund him, what do the CH say about his current needs which if are still as you describe are indicative of him needing expert and 24/7 care ie in a home not in his home with a care package. Pwd don't generally improve with dementia as it is a progressive illness. Is the sister going to help her dad? If she is expecting your friend to pick up the pieces, hard as it may seem, I have seen other posts recommending that the close relative refuses as no one has to do the caring role and SS will have a duty of care to her dad that he is being kept safe in making the decision to place him back at home against your friends wishes. Does she have poa for health as well? If he is aggressive it doesn't sound like he has improved or stabilised!I would not take instructions from a SW or sister about taking a day off work or moving the dogs to facilitate the trial day, that will not be a true representation of how it will be when on his own. Sending good wishes to your friend.

 

[Madchester city]

What a desperate situation this sounds -- for both you and your friend.

My only advice would be to get your friend to try and talk to her sister. As much as they both may be struggling to come to terms with the harrowing news, the fact that they firstly recognise the issue is key and then recognise that it's for their dad's own interest.

Nobody wants to see a family member lose independence but sometimes it's for the best.

Thoughts with you

 

[Tin]

Taking the day off work and placing the dogs in a kennel is definitely not a true picture of a day in the life of your friend's father and the person that suggested this????? I would definitely not take a day off, but maybe finding somewhere for the dogs might be a good idea, especially as you have already said that they are subject to some mistreatment. I really do think that it will be obvious to those observing your friend's father on this day that he cannot look after himself. Sorry but I have nothing positive to say about siblings that simply bury their heads in the sand. How will this work, is the social worker just going to spend a short time observing and then leaving your friend alone with her father! again not a true picture of an average day. I hope your friend can find a way through this horrible mess. Would there be any point in talking to Ageuk or Citizens Advice..

Did your friend keep a diary of things that happened while dad was living at home, if so might be a good idea to pull it out again.

 

[Caroleca]

I would suggest your friend temporarily " move out". What r the chances of giving her a place to stay for a bit? Let the sister deal with dad.

 

[Witzend]

What a desperate situation this sounds -- for both you and your friend.

My only advice would be to get your friend to try and talk to her sister. As much as they both may be struggling to come to terms with the harrowing news, the fact that they firstly recognise the issue is key and then recognise that it's for their dad's own interest.

Nobody wants to see a family member lose independence but sometimes it's for the best.

Thoughts with you

The trouble with 'independence' is that so often it's nothing of the sort, once dementia is beyond the early stages.

If the OP can possibly move out for a while, and tell SS she is going to do so, since she cannot possibly agree to this plan, that would IMO be best.

 

[fizzie]

I agree with everyone, this is such a stressful situation for her to be in. Would the care home also be prepared to intervene and tell SS that he would be unsafe at home before they even get as far as this day at home? Just wondered as they would know Dad's day to day capacity and ability

 

[Delphie]

In the first instance, in your friend's shoes, I would stand my ground and tell the SW politely but firmly that I would not be taking a day off or putting the dogs in kennels. The home situation is what it is. There are dogs and your friend works. This will be dad's day to day environment if he returns home, so either he can suddenly cope with it or he still can't.

Secondly, it might be worth explaining, though she shouldn't have to, that Alzheimer's is progressive. Sadly, people don't regain capacity. Some people do settle well in care and there's a superficial 'improvement' but that's down to 24/7 care and supervision rather than the disease retreating. Having said that, this doesn't apply in the case you're talking about as the dad continues to be aggressive.

Your friend might also want to put something in writing, describing the kind of worst case scenarios she's already had to deal with when dad was at home, and stress that she strongly disagrees with the decision to put a vulnerable adult at unnecessary risk and that the person who is insisting on it will be held personally responsible when the inevitable happens. I'd copy the letter to everyone I could think of from the supportive GP to the SW's line manager. It's a, frankly, stupid decision and if enough people know about it hopefully someone with some authority will step in and ask the SW what on earth they're doing.

 

[Spamar]

So agree with Delphie. Your friend cannot be made to care, anyway. Let alone taking a day off and putting the dogs into kennels. That is outrageous! After all, that can't happen everyday. And who is going to reimburse her for cost of kennelling dogs and lost wages. As had been said, the status quo is dogs and work

 

[carrieboo]

Totally agree with the previous two, your friend should say she can't take a day off work. Ideally she would also leave the dogs at home but, as a dog owner, I'd be a bit concerned for them left alone with the PWD, maybe best to kennel them.

In any event, your friend being there all day without the dogs is not a normal day is it? The whole situation seems bonkers, I suspect a very inexperienced SW...

 

[HillyBilly]

What an unbelievable situation. Your poor friend must be beside herself. I echo what everyone else has said.

 

[Bod]

The solution is simple.
Dad lives with the sister in denial.
That will soon discover the truth!

Meanwhile as everybody has said, stand your ground, He stays in a carehome.

Bod

 

[Caroleca]

Yes Bod...to me it is a "no brainer". Let sister deal with it...your friend's response should be "most definitely not...I am not having any part of this"

 

[Izzy]

It might be helpful for your friend to call the National Dementia Helpline.

The details are as follows-

Link - National Dementia Helpline

The phone number is 0300 222 1122

he Helpline is usually open from:
9am - 8pm Monday to Wednesday
9am - 5pm on Thursday and Friday
10am - 4pm on Saturday and Sunday

 

[bumblefeet]

This is dreadful, and yes, I agree with the other posters, don't have any part in this. Don't take the day off work, and don't put your dogs in kennels. What on earth is the SW thinking?

 

[mely]

What a completely ridiculous and unbelievable situation! I agree, DO NOT let them change anything! Utterly utterly...... Tell your friend to stand their ground-no day off work, no removing of dogs! I bet it was the SW who has suggested this.

 

[Witzend]

What on earth is the SW thinking?

That having him back home will save them ££££££££££££!
(That is, assuming he's not self funded.)

 

[tryingmybest]

Thank you

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

I think, as suggested, my friend firstly needs to write to the SW and copy others in including the SWs supervisor, to say that she wont be taking the day off work, nor will be removing the dogs as that would be implementing an artificial situation for the trial day back home.

She also needs to ask that as her Dad was assessed in hospital a year ago with having Vascular Dementia and no capacity to look after himself, how can this possibly have magically reversed?.

I think she needs to say she is not prepared to have him back home and care for him after him not being home for over a year and in a care home for almost a year.

I just cannot fathom what is going on. Perhaps if she has no joy going down this route she should arrange and pay for an independent capacity assessment do you think? My friends mental health and physical health too, just cannot cope with all this when she thought a decision had been made a year ago for her Dad to reside in a CH for everything to bizarrely be reversed. It just doesn't make sense does it?

 

[Witzend]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

I think, as suggested, my friend firstly needs to write to the SW and copy others in including the SWs supervisor, to say that she wont be taking the day off work, nor will be removing the dogs as that would be implementing an artificial situation for the trial day back home.

She also needs to ask that as her Dad was assessed in hospital a year ago with having Vascular Dementia and no capacity to look after himself, how can this possibly have magically reversed?.

I think she needs to say she is not prepared to have him back home and care for him after him not being home for over a year and in a care home for almost a year.

I just cannot fathom what is going on. Perhaps if she has no joy going down this route she should arrange and pay for an independent capacity assessment do you think? My friends mental health and physical health too, just cannot cope with all this when she thought a decision had been made a year ago for her Dad to reside in a CH for everything to bizarrely be reversed. It just doesn't make sense does it?

It would seem that your friend's sister is doing her damnedest to avoid care home fees, and thus diminishing her potential inheritance. Sadly this is not at all uncommon, nor is it at all uncommon in relatives who have hardly ever done any hands on care, and don't intend to.
It would seem that she has managed to get the SW on side in this.

Your friend can only stand firm, refuse to be bullied by either of them, insist that she will not take the day off nor kennel the dogs. I hope she is aware that nobody can be forced to care for another adult?
If I were her I'd tell the SW that if her sister is so anxious for him to leave the care home then she must take responsibility for his care.
All easier said than done, I know - I hope she has somebody to stand up for her because from all I've heard it's all too easy to be worn down in any meetings. Though of course the best course is to state what you have to say in a letter or email, and refuse to discuss it any more, in person or otherwise.

 

[Onlyme]

If I were your friend I would write stating that her father has been assessed by a Dr as not having capacity, he was physically unable to cope with home life 12 months ago and will have lost all skills ( just because he can run a tap or boil a kettle is not making a drink).

In very clear terms she must state that she deems her father at risk, a vulnerable adult and she will hold them legally responsible if he suffers an accident or harm

I would find out if a occupational therapist is going to be there. If not there is no point in the return home. I suspect that if your friend is there then he is deemed to be in her care and they can't be held responsible.