Heya Kandi,
Sorry to hear that things are so tough. I know how it feels to constantly remember the past, Dad has a very bad habit of popping up in my mind at very odd moments, so many things trigger memories, and those memories hurt too, he even haunts me in my sleep so there is no escape. I also know very well that weird world where you both love to visit but the visit itself knocks you down. I know that feeling of trying to ignore the whiney voice inside that says "Why is this happening to me, why is this happening to them, its not fair!", telling myself that I need to get over it, stop being such a cry baby (bit like your counsellor
) and just be a grown up and go visit.
Sounds like you need a new counsellor, you can't let go of the grief because the situation that causes it doesn't go away...well technically you can get over the grief but that would involve shutting down a side of yourself, that you are too good a person to do, that would mean, not visiting, that would mean walking away and you're such a good soul that you won't do that, not unless it gets to a point that you mind just won't let you go visit (and that can happen too, near the end of Dad's stay in the home my visiting regime dropped off, I found that my brain would literally block the thought of visiting from my conscious mind and seriously if it wasn't for the fact that I had to drive past Dad's home to get home each day I suspect my brain would have won - my subconsious had obviously decided I couldn't physically/mentally take it anymore). So girl don't beat yourself up for feeling miserable, you're fighting a very tough fight and you know what? You haven't let your mum down, she made those comments when she was well, I've often said the same thing when I've worried about getting dementia, but I have a very strong feeling that if I did get it, I wouldn't be wanting someone to put a pillow over my head, especially not my daughter that I love so much, especially when I brought that daughter up to be such a kind caring person. Instead I'd fight alongside of her so I could enjoy those visits at least and try to bring her some happiness, even if my mind made that impossible. Your mum if she were well would be wanting to make you happy and she brought you up to be a fighter so I am guessing she's a fighter too, no matter what flippant comments she made when she was well.
So Kandi ignore what the cousellor said, counsellors can be both good and bad (just like accountants, just like teachers
), this one is obviously **** at their job, or needs to be enlightened. Perhaps you could go to them or find another one and tell them, that letting go of the grief is not an option at this point for you and what you need is someone to just help you through the grief, someone you can go to and just let the grief out to. I'll be forever thankful for the psychologist I saw who just told me, that my father was dying and I had to accept that that would make me sad, and that it would keep on making me sad until the day I had to let him go, and that it would still make me sad then...but that it wouldnt be until then that I would be able to start to let go of the grief.
I too thought I might be losing it some days and I think that comes about because your own mind is trying to protect you but your heart and morals are refusing to let you give in, so yes your own mind is trying to knock you down to save itself (does that make any sense?) Instinct is saying get out of there, but humanity is keeping you there.
Dad originally said when we asked him (when he was still sane) when would it be okay to put him in a home, that we would know when
it was time. It seems to me that you are at breaking point so you have to know that maybe for you
it is time. If you can't do this anymore that is okay, because Kandi wouldn't be giving up unless Kandi just physically and mentally couldn't do this anymore. I think
its time at least that you gave yourself a break. Don't freak out, I'm not saying you shouldn't visit (although if that is an option for a little while then do that to)what I meant was that
it is time not be so harsh on yourself.
You are coping with my worst nightmare, to have two parents with dementia, you should be awarded with a medal for all that you have done already. You are a fantastic person. And although this is very bad right now, you will get through it, these days will pass, just hold take a deep breath and focus on the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dim it seems, and take another step.
I'm sending you hugs, all my best wishes, and love to you.