Good morning to all of you!
I am grateful to this forum and the lovely, wise souls who reply and point the way in this painful descent into the living loss of a very loved mother. Such a fine, intelligent, loving person and now I will have to put her in a home.
As I have expressed in other posts, I am new-ish to the forum and it is helping me to emerge from my blissful (well no bliss really) state of denial and confront the fact that Mum has advanced Alzheimers, I cannot care for her because I need the income to provide for my kids at uni, and I have been MOST UNWISE in hiding my head in the sand about this as we now have severe financial woes.
Inside I cry, I grieve, I slip into denial at the drop of a hat ("She had a happy day today, you can do this, she isn't ready for a care home yet"), I lie awake at night, and other times I cope well emotionally.
The home. This has floored me. I had anticipated a major battle to get Mum into the home. This suited me as I would have deflected all my negative energy/emotions about Mum and the dementia, and channeled it into battling to get her a place. There is to be no battle. All I had to do was fill in the forms, and the place awaits her. So I am left to 'deal' with the sadness, sense of failure, loss, also knowing that this may well finish her as she is adamant about not going into a home.
Also a process is unfolding within. A kind of excitement about what life would be like if it were lived on my own terms, not dementia terms. Being able to get a job, being financially independent, being able to support the kids at uni, perhaps a short holiday, a meal out with friends.....
What am I doing? To facilitate my journey from carer/unemployed/poor person to at work and part of 'real life', I have asked a retired social worker who knows the ropes in France to accompany me. I set goals and agree to meet her a week later. Last week I met all my goals: signing Mum up for a home and other stuff. This week my goals are about job finding. Is this fun? No. But yesterday when I phoned her and saw what I had achieved, I had a sense of satisfaction/empowerment.
I have to face the fact that these three years have been a form of escapism, denial, because the lack of income has put us in a very precarious financial situation. It is time to wake up, face the changes, and see what adventures beckon in a new, different life.
That's it. Now I must start about achieving my targets.
I am grateful to this forum and the lovely, wise souls who reply and point the way in this painful descent into the living loss of a very loved mother. Such a fine, intelligent, loving person and now I will have to put her in a home.
As I have expressed in other posts, I am new-ish to the forum and it is helping me to emerge from my blissful (well no bliss really) state of denial and confront the fact that Mum has advanced Alzheimers, I cannot care for her because I need the income to provide for my kids at uni, and I have been MOST UNWISE in hiding my head in the sand about this as we now have severe financial woes.
Inside I cry, I grieve, I slip into denial at the drop of a hat ("She had a happy day today, you can do this, she isn't ready for a care home yet"), I lie awake at night, and other times I cope well emotionally.
The home. This has floored me. I had anticipated a major battle to get Mum into the home. This suited me as I would have deflected all my negative energy/emotions about Mum and the dementia, and channeled it into battling to get her a place. There is to be no battle. All I had to do was fill in the forms, and the place awaits her. So I am left to 'deal' with the sadness, sense of failure, loss, also knowing that this may well finish her as she is adamant about not going into a home.
Also a process is unfolding within. A kind of excitement about what life would be like if it were lived on my own terms, not dementia terms. Being able to get a job, being financially independent, being able to support the kids at uni, perhaps a short holiday, a meal out with friends.....
What am I doing? To facilitate my journey from carer/unemployed/poor person to at work and part of 'real life', I have asked a retired social worker who knows the ropes in France to accompany me. I set goals and agree to meet her a week later. Last week I met all my goals: signing Mum up for a home and other stuff. This week my goals are about job finding. Is this fun? No. But yesterday when I phoned her and saw what I had achieved, I had a sense of satisfaction/empowerment.
I have to face the fact that these three years have been a form of escapism, denial, because the lack of income has put us in a very precarious financial situation. It is time to wake up, face the changes, and see what adventures beckon in a new, different life.
That's it. Now I must start about achieving my targets.
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