Dementia sufferers and the death of a child

[JoJo]

Hi everyone,

According to this site it's been virtually two years to the day since I came on here but I know it's the place to turn to when I need help.

I would to hear your thoughts/experience of how best to help my dad - sufferer of middle/late stage Picks Disease - get through the death of his son (my brother).

My brother sadly took his own life after a long battle with depression. Dad appears to have taken in what has happened and has been taken into to respite (he was due in shortly anyway) to allow my mum to focus on arrangements surrounding my brother.

The nurses told us today he had cried, which bizarre as it seems was actually quite nice because we know it meant something to him deep down.

We have a couple of queries really. Apparently he has been telling people my brother has died - although I don't think for one moment he understands what it means. Would it benefit him to visit my brother to make it 'real'? We feel he should attend the funeral but has anyone else been in this situation who can advise?

Thanks in anticipation!

Jo

 

[Brucie]

Would it benefit him to visit my brother to make it 'real'?

I think it may be good to have him attend the funeral, but only you can make a call on that.

Otherwise, I'd suggest you don't labour the situation as your Dad has more urgent problems of his own.

If he is telling people your brother has died, then that seems ok to me. Why make it more real than that?

Apparently he has been telling people my brother has died - although I don't think for one moment he understands what it means

you can't be sure of that. We can none of us be sure what level of comprehension exists, and whether communication skills permit that to be explained.

I'd do the funeral, then let it rest.

.... but these are just my thoughts.

 

[Skye]

I'd agree with Bruce.

My initial reaction would have been not even the funeral, but as your dad is obviously aware and remembering what has happened, he should be part of the family for that occasion.

As your dad has Pick's rather than AD, it may take longer to fade from his memory, and he'll want to talk about it.

The usual policy after bereavement is to encourage people to talk, but with dementia, you just have to go with the person's needs. If they want to talk, let them. Otherwise, let it slip from their memories.

You know your dad, JoJo. Just let him dictate the pace, but don't try to force reality on him.

Just my opinion, of course.

I'm sorry you have to contend with the loss of your brother, your mum must be distraught, and she's going to need your support too.

My condolences, and I hope all goes well for the funeral.

 

[Sam Iam]

Jojo,
I Am So Sorry With Regards To Your Brother's Passing And I Understand The Pressure You Are Under In Keeping Up Your Strength For Your Mum.
How Does Your Mum Feel About Your Dad Seeing Your Brother And Attending The Funeral?

Personally I Would Strongly Concider Taking Your Dad To The Funeral For As Brucie Said There Is No Way Of Knowing What Your Dad Is Capable Of Understanding. Plan Out Before Hand What You Are Going To Do In The Event Of Any Behavioural Issues
( Sorry If This Is Not The Case), As In Going To A Quiet Room In The Church (contact The Priest/vicar Before ) Or Waiting In The Car ( Is There Anyone You Can Ask To Assist You?)
This Is Only My Opinion And I Hope It Helps You.
Best Wishes Xxx

 

[Brucie]

a little belatedly, Jo, my condolences on the losses you have experienced.