Dementia is taking me to the dark side!!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by DawnB52, Mar 30, 2015.

  1. DawnB52

    DawnB52 Registered User

    Jul 27, 2014
    Lytham St.Annes
    Yes it's the long version.......It was a wonderful, fantastic plan I couldn't have been more pleased with myself. Had a big pow wow with my brothers and so the wheels where set in motion. Mum would come and live with me and we'd live happily ever after (picture gingham clad ladies skipping through fields of golden corn, pretending I don't have hey fever)
    Mum had been living on her own ( since my ratbag father died) two hours away from me ( daughter) and was very slowly going down hill, without the help of her fantastic neighbour I would have been lost. I would phone but Ma would complain about the phone (not having her hearing aids in didn't help!) she had also started eating less and loosing weight, my brothers sent groceries to her, as we thought she was living hand to mouth and it was a cost cutting excercise, would visit when we could/felt good enough, I say this as I had to gird my loins for a visit, for several reasons which I may go into now or in my next episode:):) Anyway, when she started falling and had a 'funny turn' we decided to move our plans forward pronto. We All moved house into a place big enough for the three of us in dec 12 in February 13 Ma was diagnosed with vascular dementia and things have gently rolled down the pooey side of the slope since.
    And here I sit two years and three months down the line, wondering where I can get a gun in order to shoot myself.
    How did it come to this?
    Last tue dropped her off for a weeks respite at 1 at 6.30, she was in the local hospital, as she has 'somehow' fallen out of her wheelchair, it actually looked like someone had driven over her head. Next day it didn't look quite so bad but the hospital made it quite clear they wanted her OUT, (oh sorry I have neglected to tell you that I am actually teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown.) said I was very sorry and she couldn't come home, so SS crisis team arrived, luckily found a fab place that said they would take Ma and we agreed on a two week trial with a view to it going long term.
    Yesterday I went and was told she'd had the worst diarrhoea they've ever seen, and this morning when I phoned was told 'we need to have a little chat' as she has been lashing out.....and I may have to find somewhere else. I'm sorry but I'm just about ready to break.
    I don't know who's doing what I.e. SS, council and Uncle Tom Cobbly and all, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing for the best, and frankly I'd just like to have a day when I didn't cry.
    Any tips, hints or pointers are most appreciated.
  2. chris53

    chris53 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2009
    Hi Dawn, really don't have many words to help but wanted to acknowledge your post and hope someone with experience of care homes will be along with words of wisdom:eek: I hope that the care home has had mum seen by a doctor? as that and the lashing out could all be part and parcel of a physical illness rather then dementia, with excess pooing mum must be very dehydrated and that can and probably has caused extra confusion for her:( added to which she may have a urine infection-double confusion..may I suggest that you ask "what the doctor" has said or has mum had anything different to eat? in a gentle way of course with a smile! I think..sorry if I am wrong, but some care homes tend to call out doctors if a person passes too much wind! mostly of course to cover themselves:rolleyes:
    Can only wish you a better day and fingers crossed that mum will be able to stay in this nice home..sending a big hug-Chris x
  3. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015

    My heart breaks for you because I'm in the same situation - my Mum lives with me and my husband and daughter and today it's been so hard.
  4. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    "I'm just about ready to break"

    You have been carrying the burden of caring for a long while and your 2 weeks' much needed respite has been snatched away

    Please phone the nearest of your brothers and explain that you need a couple of weeks where someone else is the lead carer, although not "hands on" but to deal with the care home, SS etc and to visit the home. He must contact the home where she is and explain he is now the lead contact, and he should contact the crisis team if the home is saying she can't stay. (Fingers crossed that she will improve and that this situation will change.)

    Do you live with a partner? (Not sure who is the third in the 3 of us) but get them to take you to your GP - some short term medication might help you to get through this crisis. No one wants you to wreck your health by having a nervous breakdown due to this terrible stress on top of all the hard work you have been doing to support your mother over the last couple of years. YOU must be your priority right now, and let your brothers take up the battle to find the best short term solution for your Mum.

    Please look after yourself, I do hope you have a good friend or partner who will help you focus on how important you are.
  5. 99purdy

    99purdy Registered User

    Oct 31, 2014
    Hi Dawn, thought I would share my experience with yourself. When I looked for care homes the ones that promised to look after Dad, with the lovely, almost clinical, modern surroundings were the ones who failed in their duty of care, who had the biggest turnover of staff and basically failed him. They then blamed his behaviour, which was bad, but I had explained this to them, for the fact that they could not manage him. He is now in a nursing home, which is not 'posh' but clean, tidy and the staff are wonderful. They have all worked there, some 17+years. Please don't be put off there are some fantastic homes available. Please don't be guilt tripped into having your lovely Mum home. You have done more than enough and with the correct nursing home you can both begin to enjoy your lives again. X
  6. DawnB52

    DawnB52 Registered User

    Jul 27, 2014
    Lytham St.Annes
    Dearest peeps,
    I thank you deeply for your responses, and yea a tear rolled down my cheek! Have just been to see Ma and did a little more crying, she was asleep in a chair and only briefly looked at me, I think I find it more distressing as her face is now several different colours with a couple of gashes on her cheek and forehead, she keeps picking the dressings off!
    I was going to call at a friends house on the way home, but decided against it as I fear I might be turning into that 'odd woman who cries all the time and just goes on about her mother' ( which truth be told I AM ) but determined to buck up and am now going to ring careres point and see if they have any advice.
    You guys are amazing and thank you x
  7. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    SS helped you find this respite care for your Mum because they and you acknowledge you're not well enough to do without a break.

    It seems to me the best tactic for you would be to ring the SS crisis team again, remind them your own health is in a very precarious state and tell them you need them to organise the care of your mother, you can't (not yet).

    Get SS to liaise with the home your Mum is in and find out whether they can safely keep her for at least a week. If the home and SS agree your Mum won't be safe in that home, then say to SS they'll have to organise her transfer to a place that can care suitably.

    Organise a "convalescent period" (eg in a family member's home 100 miles away) so that you CAN'T look after your Mum for the next week.
  8. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Oh Dawn, I've had Carers breakdown, it's not good and you don't want to be there. Shout long and loud and make yourself a nuisance. Contact everybody and anybody who may be of some use.
  9. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008

    Welcome to TP, I am sorry that you have got to the stage you have with so little help.

    Please stay strong and stick to your guns for respite, SS will pressurise you into backing down but they cannot force you to take your Mum back home with you, actually (took me a long, long time to accept this next fact) no-one can be forced to look after someone, for me it was my Husband for you it is your Mum, at some point in all of this it just becomes impossible for one person to give the care needed.

    Please keep posting so we can all help you get through this difficult time.
  10. B narna

    B narna Registered User

    Mar 27, 2015
    Ahhhh Dawn, I wish I could hug you...

    Having watched my mum go through similar with her mum. I am now re visiting with my mum in law. I feel I have taken far more than I can chew. Are you near whitstable. Would love to chat more xx
  11. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    Oh blimey dawn , I've nothing to add but ((hugs))
  12. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    Just a thought - has she been tested for a UTI? Or she is just lashing out as she is in pain from her bruises and/or strange bowel movements? At the very least a doctor should check her over properly. What kind of care home does not think of that or cannot cope with aggressive patients?
  13. DawnB52

    DawnB52 Registered User

    Jul 27, 2014
    Lytham St.Annes
    Hello again lovely peeps, again thank you for taking the time out to reply, honestly I don't know where you are ( sorry not Whistable:)or what your doing or what you are dealing with, but I have felt a bit less pathetic since my first post. Anyone dithering about spilling their beans should just do it, I wish I'd done it weeks ago.......
    A doctor has not been called out to the home as she was given the all clear from the hospital :eek:
    Have a meeting with social services at the home on Thursday EEK!!
    Chris53 your right about " asking with a smile" but Lordy why should it be like that, it's most odd that I feel very much like I shouldn't make any waves, sorry spammer, I'm ace at shouting in my head tho....also funny that Beate mentioned homes that can't be bothered with people who may cause a nuisance, odd seeing as how they are being paid a lot of money for care?
    It's late sending, Sending you all a little electic hug back atchya ❤️
  14. DawnB52

    DawnB52 Registered User

    Jul 27, 2014
    Lytham St.Annes
    It's almost like fighting a battle each day, I still can't quite find a way to describe the situation, to those in the non dementia world, everyone says nice things but suppose like childbirth you've got to go through it. Have you thought about what to do next?
  15. DawnB52

    DawnB52 Registered User

    Jul 27, 2014
    Lytham St.Annes

    Sorry, just to clarify by 'the three of us' I mean mummy me and hubby.
    I get where your coming from re calling in the brothers, and will do if things don't look any better after Thursday.
  16. DawnB52

    DawnB52 Registered User

    Jul 27, 2014
    Lytham St.Annes
    Sorry Hun am not near you, have you had that moment when you sit in a chair with your head in your hands and think 'what the hell have I done'? And then ball your eyes out? Hilariously I did it unexpectedly at someone's house, she very kindly poured wine liberally till I got my act together :):):)

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