1. gringo

    gringo Registered User

    Feb 1, 2012
    1,189
    UK.
    As my wife, of these many years, offered to fight me as I attempted to give her the care she very much needed. I finally realised that, when confronted with dementia, everything one tries to do will eventually end in failure.
    Just giving up has it’s appeal and seems as good an option as any other. As Tennyson put it in ’The Lotus Eaters’ :-

    “Let us alone. What pleasure can we have
    To war with evil? Is there any peace
    In ever climbing up the climbing wave?"
     
  2. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Hello Gringo, so sorry you are having a bad day. I wish I could say something to help. I take a hot bath and listen to classic fm, then go to my happy place in my mind.

    I hope you can find a little peace.
    love Quilty
     
  3. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    It's so hard, ain't it, Gringo, and that's just how I felt. Every single thing I ever attempted had no point. Not so, though. It does. We've got other human lives in our hands we're trying to care for. That's the ultimate 'point', if anything.

    Have you absolutely no one you can approach for help/advice?
     
  4. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    #4 Lindy50, May 20, 2015
    Last edited: May 20, 2015
    Hi gringo :) I am so sorry to read what a bad time you are having. Wish I could help. In the circumstances, I can only say perhaps give yourself a break, do something you find relaxing, even if it's reading a newspaper or doing some weeding.

    There's a saying......"What is this world of toil and care, if we have no time to stand and stare?" I hope tomorrow will be better for you and your wife.

    Sending you a hug and best wishes :)

    Lindy xx
     
  5. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    Agree 100% chuggalug. We're here for you, gringo.....xx
     
  6. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,589
    Ah..Mike.

    Hard times. X

    Out of the night that covers me,
    Black as the pit from pole to pole,
    I thank whatever gods may be
    For my unconquerable soul.

    In the fell clutch of circumstance
    I have not winced nor cried aloud.
    Under the bludgeonings of chance
    My head is bloody, but unbowed.

    Beyond this place of wrath and tears
    Looms but the Horror of the shade,
    And yet the menace of the years
    Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

    It matters not how strait the gate,
    How charged with punishments the scroll,
    I am the master of my fate:
    I am the captain of my soul.

    W. E. Henley

    I hope you remain unconquered. xxx
     
  7. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    Oh Mike! Yes Dementia is evil; but we continue to climb the wave because we do it out of love. We try to defeat the onslaught that we cannot ever beat because we do our very best to make things RIGHT for our spouse/parent. No we cannot defeat the tide, or the climbing wave, but we keep trying because our love cannot be diminished-to give up, and indeed acknowledge acceptance, would leave us with feelings that would be so difficult to deal with.

    Acceptance would be easy, but to face a war with Dementia, however futile it may appear, gives Carers a reason for being or a reason to live. I don't really know why Carers fight the inevitable; denial, love, pity-but sometimes we do. It's terribly hard. All I know is that I fought to the bitter end and riled so often against the disease-I think that Pete also fought. It was too soon for him to leave this world, but I guess he had already fought the wave.

    Take much care-thinking of you

    Lyn T XX
     
  8. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    Gringo I just want to offer you a huge (((((((hugggggg))))))))x
     
  9. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    It doesn't matter whether you are a carer, a parent, one half of a relationship, a sibling, a friend, the following applies to us all.

    You cannot set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.
     
  10. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    321
    The belief that you can do something that will make things right doesn't actually help. I've learned this over a short period of time. I really agree with your last sentence Lawson, because the mind is a very powerful thing. If someone's mind is no longer working efficiently, you're not capable of changing that fact. I was having very obvious physical symptons when I had to place my mum in a care home (not my choice; I was told she'd never be able to return to her own home). I now think that my mind took over and decided that it was either the mind or the body, and it was easier to fix the physical. I know this sounds woolly-minded, but I was experiencing physical symptoms which I couldn't explain. I was shaking so much (over my whole body) when I had to sign the registration form for the care home that my husband had to print my name and the date. A few days later I was in bed for a few days, as I couldn't be away from a toilet (TMI, sorry) and since then I'm convinced I've developed IBS. But if it's a choice of the mind going wrong, or the body, I'd rather it was the body.
     
  11. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Coo, from the sounds of it, I'd rather both survived, but yes. Your own mind needs to survive, along with the rest of us.

    What a dreadful experience for you, theunknown.
     
  12. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,839
    Suffolk
    I've had similar things, theunknown. I nearly wrote this on another thread, but didn't. It seems applicable here. There should be a guide to what can happen to you when the person you care for has to go into care or dies or even gets bad news. It doesn't seem to be anything much on it, but I bet most of us here have been through similar experiences.
     
  13. gringo

    gringo Registered User

    Feb 1, 2012
    1,189
    UK.
    Thanks to everybody for their kind wishes.
    I was over tired I think. Back to normal (or what passes for normal nowadays) to-day.
    Thank-you Lyn, You really are an example I wish I could follow. Thank-you also for your PMs.
    You just provided it, thank-you.
    Again thank-you. Seems inadequate to just keep saying that, but it’s heart-felt.
    Gwen, Many many thanks.( How nice of you come out of retreat from your northern fastness!) Mr. Henley wouldn’t approve of me, wincing and crying aloud. He sets the bar high though. So, as master of my fate and captain of my soul, I better 'man up' and get back to climbing that wave.
    I just want to accept.
    This is one of those oddball quotes that floats about on Facebook and Tumbir. It usually reads 'You are not required to set.....' No you are not required to self sacrifice yourself but, in some circumstances you may choose to do so. I confess that my ideal has always been Captain Oates.
    It all just goes to show how multi-facetted and difficult this caring is.
    We all have to come to terms with our own situations in our own way.
     
  14. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    The true hero is not the one who knows no fear and never falters. The treu hero falls, and then picks themselves back up, bloodied but determined. To all you heros out there looking dementia in the eye, i salute you. You make the world a better place.
     
  15. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    Well said, quilty :)

    We are all different, though, aren't we? As different as the people we care for, actually....

    I read the quote that "you cannot set yourself alight to keep another person warm" late last night, and sat in bed and pondered it. It is one of those things that sounds logical, and that I felt I ought to accept. But....somehow it just doesn't resonate with me. I feel that the more difficult thing, is to stop trying to set myself alight :rolleyes: I will have to take a step back from mum's care, for the sake of the rest of the family, and for my own health. But it doesn't sit right :( Like gringo, I admire Captain Oates, though I can't claim a smidgen of his bravery...

    Glad you're feeling a bit better today, gringo. Hugs to you :)

    Lindy xx
     

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