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Decision Day nearly here

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
30
Warrington
Mum ended up being in hospital for 7 weeks and has now been in intermediate care for 2 weeks. The time is coming that we need to decide whether mum is going home or into care.
The physios are working with her daily to get her back on her feet and she is doing well however she is having bad nights shouting and hallucinating and they are concerned about her being on her own during the night in case anything happens and she is on her own.
They are happy that she would be safe during the day with the carers but are very worried about the nights.
We have thought to pay someone to stay with her overnight but are we pushing to get her home for the wrong reasons?
Of cause we want her home- she has a lovely little flat and 2 cats that miss her terribly, but we know deep down we have to do what is safest for mum and that may be care.
There are a few good homes just minutes from where me and my sister live, so we would be able to spend more quality time with her instead of being a carer to her.
I know the decision may not end up being ours and we are obviously going to ask mum how she feels- she can chat quite well at the moment- but what a horrible decision to have to make and it's so hard.
Any advise would be very welcome
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
10,867
Merseyside
If she's fairly settled being in care then I would keep it that way.
I think you make a very good point about quality time & you'd know she was safe & cared for.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Is your mum able to make a reasoned decision about her own care?

I am just thinking that if you ask her what she wants - to go home or into a care home - she will very likely say she wants to go home. Hardly anyone ever does want to go into a care home, whether they have dementia or not. And if she says no, then you will feel that much worse if everybody ultimately decides that it's in her best interests.

If it's decided that it's necessary, then personally I would not ask her - just say that 'the doctor' wants her to go for a while till she's better/stronger, etc. Of course it will depend on the state of the person's short term memory, but many people find that this sort of 'love lie' can be repeated as necessary while the person settles. It's often a better option than telling the person they will never be going home again.
 

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
30
Warrington
Is your mum able to make a reasoned decision about her own care?

I am just thinking that if you ask her what she wants - to go home or into a care home - she will very likely say she wants to go home. Hardly anyone ever does want to go into a care home, whether they have dementia or not. And if she says no, then you will feel that much worse if everybody ultimately decides that it's in her best interests.

If it's decided that it's necessary, then personally I would not ask her - just say that 'the doctor' wants her to go for a while till she's better/stronger, etc. Of course it will depend on the state of the person's short term memory, but many people find that this sort of 'love lie' can be repeated as necessary while the person settles. It's often a better option than telling the person they will never be going home again.
She can sort of the moment- you can have good conversations and then suddenly all sorts comes out. I have mentioned it to her in passing but then she says well what about the cats!
Thanks for the Love Lie idea- will definitely use that if we have to.
She has a bad day yesterday and was in bed all day- the nurses kept a good eye on her but the more you look at her the more you think she needs more care than she would get at home- and as I keep telling myself it's still mum where ever she is.
Thanks
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,621
South coast
I just thought I would reassure you that it often works out better than you think it will.
Mum ended up in hospital too and went from there to a CH for 6 weeks reablement. At the end of the 6 weeks she was settled - so well, in fact that she thought the CH was her actual home! - so the Best Interest meeting decided that she should stay there. She has been in the CH for 15 months now and she has thrived since then. She is much less anxious and her paranoia has almost all gone, just surfaces occasionally if she gets overtired, she has put on a bit of weight and has made friends. In fact I would say that she has thrived. She has become a pleasure to visit again and the carers and other residents have become like family.
It was one of the best decisions that I have made.