My husband of 35 years who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s nearly 21 months ago (he is 88) now refers to his late wife often. Reminding my step-daughter her anniversary is approaching….All of this is okay and I understand, but last night he said something that jolted me….in the effect he could not remember how our relationship began, and it dawned on me the full effect of his memory loss. He has moments of clarity when he is like his old self, but otherwise he lives in his own world, though he is very dependent on me to organise his life. As this is all very new to me I feel isolated and struggling to do the right thing. He has always had a gentle easy-going nature, but now he is verbally aggressive about his friends (who are remaining in his life, and not passed.
Dealing with constant references to late wife
- Thread starter Gerona
- Start date
Hello @Gerona
My husband hadn`t been married before [ as far as I know ] but he went searching for his `real` wife and his `real` home with alarming regularity.
Whether it was real or not, it was real in his eyes.
It sounds as if your husband has lost all concept of time in years gone by. It is upsetting but the years you have spent together are real whether your husband can appreciate them or not.
I suppose, like so many people with dementia who want to return to their childhood homes and family your husband is experiencing a variation of that.
The verbal aggression towards his current friends sounds like another variation. Perhaps he doesn`t recognise them either as the friends he has.
None of this makes it any easier to live with, especially when you begin to feel the connection you once had is lost.
Please try not to give up completely. There are often flashes of recognition which bring home the reality of dementia and how distressing it is.
Please take the support this forum offers. We have all felt this loneliness and isolation. It`s awful.
Hopefully when the covid limitations ease, you may be able to get some help with care to give you some free time with your own friends and your family.
My husband hadn`t been married before [ as far as I know ] but he went searching for his `real` wife and his `real` home with alarming regularity.
Whether it was real or not, it was real in his eyes.
It sounds as if your husband has lost all concept of time in years gone by. It is upsetting but the years you have spent together are real whether your husband can appreciate them or not.
I suppose, like so many people with dementia who want to return to their childhood homes and family your husband is experiencing a variation of that.
The verbal aggression towards his current friends sounds like another variation. Perhaps he doesn`t recognise them either as the friends he has.
None of this makes it any easier to live with, especially when you begin to feel the connection you once had is lost.
Please try not to give up completely. There are often flashes of recognition which bring home the reality of dementia and how distressing it is.
Please take the support this forum offers. We have all felt this loneliness and isolation. It`s awful.
Hopefully when the covid limitations ease, you may be able to get some help with care to give you some free time with your own friends and your family.
Moving on from my last post the years have passed and as I have accepted the situation Imhave coped better. My husband is still kind and has a very sparky sense of humour and very much adored by most people that know him.
He is surrounded by love from his children.
However, hitting a brick wall with his driving. I worry so much when he occasionally takes to the road, most,y because the road users nowadays are pretty thoughtless and lots if incidents in our busy area, including serious ones.
His car sits in the driveway costing a lot of money with insurance etc. (Last two years he has averaged driving 300 miles only). I drive everywhere so no issue there.
A couple of days ago reached a point where he admitted trading in car would be sensible…..but now it is almost like taking a toy away from him.
He still has licence (reviewed yearly) so could drive my car, if necessary or on a whim for him.
I feel like for the sake of peace just letting things ride (he can afford the car sitting in driveway depreciating in value and costing money for insurance) if that keeps him happy.
Anyone out there been in similar situation - I need advice 🙏.
He is surrounded by love from his children.
However, hitting a brick wall with his driving. I worry so much when he occasionally takes to the road, most,y because the road users nowadays are pretty thoughtless and lots if incidents in our busy area, including serious ones.
His car sits in the driveway costing a lot of money with insurance etc. (Last two years he has averaged driving 300 miles only). I drive everywhere so no issue there.
A couple of days ago reached a point where he admitted trading in car would be sensible…..but now it is almost like taking a toy away from him.
He still has licence (reviewed yearly) so could drive my car, if necessary or on a whim for him.
I feel like for the sake of peace just letting things ride (he can afford the car sitting in driveway depreciating in value and costing money for insurance) if that keeps him happy.
Anyone out there been in similar situation - I need advice 🙏.
I think in your own words you need to take the toy away from him, his age I’m guessing is now 92, he’s at least 6 years into dementia, I don’t know what stage his dementia is at & he might appear perfectly capable to drive but It’s really not about him anymore, you admit it’s a busy area and there are a lot of pretty thoughtless drivers out there, turn it on its head, your husband starts every drive at an instant disadvantage, you’d be laden with guilt if he caused a serious accident. I’m not sure where in the world you live but here in the UK I would be contacting the DVLA asking them to revoke his licence, then get rid of his car and advise him your insurers won’t let him drive yours.
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