I am struggling to come to terms with a very tumultuous 3 years of events, and to know how best to move forwards in a way that is morally right but protects myself and my family’s mental health. I am 35 and have very recently given birth to my second child. My father (65) died of sepsis nearly 3 years ago, within the same week that my first child was born. Very soon after this, my Mums cognitive abilities began to deteriorate (she was then 62). Things escalated very rapidly, and I have spent the last months of being heavily pregnant in a race to get her affairs in order. I’ve moved her into a sheltered flat, taken over her financial affairs, paperwork, and spent days and days clearing out the family home (both my parents were hoarders) and putting it on the market. This has been very tricky to organise as I live 2.5 hours away and don’t have many options in terms of childcare. I’ve also been trying very hard to get mum a diagnosis - but each time she has an appointment, I’m not able to get there and she convinces the psychologist that she’s much more capable than she really is. In reality she is not eating, and is thinner and thinner every time I see her. She struggles with every kind of technology and can’t properly use her phone, the tv, the internet, the oven etc. She can no longer tell the time, remember days of the week. And she can’t really make conversation anymore or answer questions.
I’m struggling so deeply - because I’ve always had a very strained relationship with my Mum. She was always a very difficult and angry woman. My brother and I suffered some fairly horrific physical and verbal abuse when we were growing up; being hit, bitten, thumped, kicked on an almost weekly basis because she couldn’t control her temper. Nothing ever happened because we were too frightened to talk to anyone, and my father never confronted the situation. And so I now find myself in a situation whereby i feel like I’m sacrificing the well being of myself and my family (and my health whilst I was pregnant) - to help my mum. But Mum is not grateful or appreciative and I feel like she is actively destroying all of my hard work at every turn. I miss the old version of my Mum terribly, but I don’t feel like I can love and feel compassionate towards her due to everything she put us through. And I just want to know if there is a way to be at peace with her situation - to do the right thing. But selfishly to find a way of living, where her declining state won’t ruin my chance of happiness now that I’m an adult and have found some freedom from her.
I’m struggling so deeply - because I’ve always had a very strained relationship with my Mum. She was always a very difficult and angry woman. My brother and I suffered some fairly horrific physical and verbal abuse when we were growing up; being hit, bitten, thumped, kicked on an almost weekly basis because she couldn’t control her temper. Nothing ever happened because we were too frightened to talk to anyone, and my father never confronted the situation. And so I now find myself in a situation whereby i feel like I’m sacrificing the well being of myself and my family (and my health whilst I was pregnant) - to help my mum. But Mum is not grateful or appreciative and I feel like she is actively destroying all of my hard work at every turn. I miss the old version of my Mum terribly, but I don’t feel like I can love and feel compassionate towards her due to everything she put us through. And I just want to know if there is a way to be at peace with her situation - to do the right thing. But selfishly to find a way of living, where her declining state won’t ruin my chance of happiness now that I’m an adult and have found some freedom from her.