Dealing with a once very abusive Mother with dementia without any support

[padawan444]

I am struggling to come to terms with a very tumultuous 3 years of events, and to know how best to move forwards in a way that is morally right but protects myself and my family’s mental health. I am 35 and have very recently given birth to my second child. My father (65) died of sepsis nearly 3 years ago, within the same week that my first child was born. Very soon after this, my Mums cognitive abilities began to deteriorate (she was then 62). Things escalated very rapidly, and I have spent the last months of being heavily pregnant in a race to get her affairs in order. I’ve moved her into a sheltered flat, taken over her financial affairs, paperwork, and spent days and days clearing out the family home (both my parents were hoarders) and putting it on the market. This has been very tricky to organise as I live 2.5 hours away and don’t have many options in terms of childcare. I’ve also been trying very hard to get mum a diagnosis - but each time she has an appointment, I’m not able to get there and she convinces the psychologist that she’s much more capable than she really is. In reality she is not eating, and is thinner and thinner every time I see her. She struggles with every kind of technology and can’t properly use her phone, the tv, the internet, the oven etc. She can no longer tell the time, remember days of the week. And she can’t really make conversation anymore or answer questions.

I’m struggling so deeply - because I’ve always had a very strained relationship with my Mum. She was always a very difficult and angry woman. My brother and I suffered some fairly horrific physical and verbal abuse when we were growing up; being hit, bitten, thumped, kicked on an almost weekly basis because she couldn’t control her temper. Nothing ever happened because we were too frightened to talk to anyone, and my father never confronted the situation. And so I now find myself in a situation whereby i feel like I’m sacrificing the well being of myself and my family (and my health whilst I was pregnant) - to help my mum. But Mum is not grateful or appreciative and I feel like she is actively destroying all of my hard work at every turn. I miss the old version of my Mum terribly, but I don’t feel like I can love and feel compassionate towards her due to everything she put us through. And I just want to know if there is a way to be at peace with her situation - to do the right thing. But selfishly to find a way of living, where her declining state won’t ruin my chance of happiness now that I’m an adult and have found some freedom from her.

 

[katydid]

I am struggling to come to terms with a very tumultuous 3 years of events, and to know how best to move forwards in a way that is morally right but protects myself and my family’s mental health. I am 35 and have very recently given birth to my second child. My father (65) died of sepsis nearly 3 years ago, within the same week that my first child was born. Very soon after this, my Mums cognitive abilities began to deteriorate (she was then 62). Things escalated very rapidly, and I have spent the last months of being heavily pregnant in a race to get her affairs in order. I’ve moved her into a sheltered flat, taken over her financial affairs, paperwork, and spent days and days clearing out the family home (both my parents were hoarders) and putting it on the market. This has been very tricky to organise as I live 2.5 hours away and don’t have many options in terms of childcare. I’ve also been trying very hard to get mum a diagnosis - but each time she has an appointment, I’m not able to get there and she convinces the psychologist that she’s much more capable than she really is. In reality she is not eating, and is thinner and thinner every time I see her. She struggles with every kind of technology and can’t properly use her phone, the tv, the internet, the oven etc. She can no longer tell the time, remember days of the week. And she can’t really make conversation anymore or answer questions.

I’m struggling so deeply - because I’ve always had a very strained relationship with my Mum. She was always a very difficult and angry woman. My brother and I suffered some fairly horrific physical and verbal abuse when we were growing up; being hit, bitten, thumped, kicked on an almost weekly basis because she couldn’t control her temper. Nothing ever happened because we were too frightened to talk to anyone, and my father never confronted the situation. And so I now find myself in a situation whereby i feel like I’m sacrificing the well being of myself and my family (and my health whilst I was pregnant) - to help my mum. But Mum is not grateful or appreciative and I feel like she is actively destroying all of my hard work at every turn. I miss the old version of my Mum terribly, but I don’t feel like I can love and feel compassionate towards her due to everything she put us through. And I just want to know if there is a way to be at peace with her situation - to do the right thing. But selfishly to find a way of living, where her declining state won’t ruin my chance of happiness now that I’m an adult and have found some freedom from her.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Jackieoates
a warm welcome to TP
first of all congratulations on the new arrival
how on earth you have coped over the last few months is a marvel
there are members here who will recognise the situation you describe, a very challenging relationship with a parent who now has dementia, so you are among folk who understand
you sound to be going the right way to protect yourself and your family, quite rightly, whilst putting some things in place to support your mother
I am not sure whether you have contacted her Local Authority Adult Services, if not, do so as they have the 'duty of care' for all adults and certainly those who are 'vulnerable' and 'at risk' through self neglect (the phrases in '' are ones to use to get their attention) - maybe send an email being brutally upfront about what your mum is not able to do for herself and your fears for her, and making it clear that at a distance and with your own very young children you yourself are in no position to privide any hands on care - they should carry out an assessment of her needs and put a care package in place, and either your mum funds this or the LA contribute
maybe send a copy of your email to her GP and the consultant so they have a picture of her failing abilities and that you believe your mum has managed to downplay her situation - suggest the memory clinic make a home visit and hopefully get a chance to talk with the warden of her accomodation
it's worth contacting Admiral Nurses too, there may not be one locally but they have a helpline
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/
now you've found TP, keep posting

 

[Goldie Girl]

I am struggling to come to terms with a very tumultuous 3 years of events, and to know how best to move forwards in a way that is morally right but protects myself and my family’s mental health. I am 35 and have very recently given birth to my second child. My father (65) died of sepsis nearly 3 years ago, within the same week that my first child was born. Very soon after this, my Mums cognitive abilities began to deteriorate (she was then 62). Things escalated very rapidly, and I have spent the last months of being heavily pregnant in a race to get her affairs in order. I’ve moved her into a sheltered flat, taken over her financial affairs, paperwork, and spent days and days clearing out the family home (both my parents were hoarders) and putting it on the market. This has been very tricky to organise as I live 2.5 hours away and don’t have many options in terms of childcare. I’ve also been trying very hard to get mum a diagnosis - but each time she has an appointment, I’m not able to get there and she convinces the psychologist that she’s much more capable than she really is. In reality she is not eating, and is thinner and thinner every time I see her. She struggles with every kind of technology and can’t properly use her phone, the tv, the internet, the oven etc. She can no longer tell the time, remember days of the week. And she can’t really make conversation anymore or answer questions.

I’m struggling so deeply - because I’ve always had a very strained relationship with my Mum. She was always a very difficult and angry woman. My brother and I suffered some fairly horrific physical and verbal abuse when we were growing up; being hit, bitten, thumped, kicked on an almost weekly basis because she couldn’t control her temper. Nothing ever happened because we were too frightened to talk to anyone, and my father never confronted the situation. And so I now find myself in a situation whereby i feel like I’m sacrificing the well being of myself and my family (and my health whilst I was pregnant) - to help my mum. But Mum is not grateful or appreciative and I feel like she is actively destroying all of my hard work at every turn. I miss the old version of my Mum terribly, but I don’t feel like I can love and feel compassionate towards her due to everything she put us through. And I just want to know if there is a way to be at peace with her situation - to do the right thing. But selfishly to find a way of living, where her declining state won’t ruin my chance of happiness now that I’m an adult and have found some freedom from her.

Hello I'm a newbie too. Everyone is very helpful and supportive on here we have found a safe place. I too have a very strained relationship with my Mum she was verbally abusive to me and my Dad threw things books oranges anything to hand and emotionally cut off .Wanted her home immaculate so didn't have time for me. With hindsight she had mental health issues all my life that weren't really treated. I have spent all my life walking on eggshells never knowing from one hour to the next what would greet me. So our Dementia journey is tricky her filters have gone so she is more loving than she ever was before but the aggression and obsession with getting to my Dad who died over 10 years ago and who she thinks is still alive is terrible I am wracked with sadness that she's come to this I hate what the illness has done to her and the anger that still she is causing me so many problems and then the guilt that I feel this way and that I am never going to get the relationship with her I saw other Mum's and Daughter's share. All we c a n do is try our best in impossible circumstances and know you are not alone I am sure there are a lot of experienced helpers on this group but I understand some of what you're going through.

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

emotionally cut off .Wanted her home immaculate so didn't have time for me. With hindsight she had mental health issues all my life that weren't really treated.

This describes my mum exactly. She was cold and withdrawn, and I have no memories of sitting on her knee, or being held close. I was not allowed to ask for sympathy or support as a child or later as a mother. Like you I've come to understand the reasons why which lay in her own childhood. Somehow, I have come to a point over the last 9 years of gradually having to get more involved in her care, where I have been able to let it go. I was an only child living close by (not my choice!) I'm lucky to have three great adult daughters and an understanding husband, and I'm not sure I could have got to this point of acceptance without them. I have to say, I'm glad. I'm much more at peace than I was when I was angry with them both 10 years ago. At the same time, I completely understand that victims of child abuse are put in an impossible situation by this disease. As you say, they can only do their best. @Jackieoates, I agree with others advice, also, I wonder if you could get some counselling so that you don't see it as being "selfish" to have these feelings. I wish very much that I had done so at your stage in my life. You take care, look after your young family now, others need to take responsibility for your mum.

 

[marionq]

This is so upsetting for you all. That you feel any responsibility for your mothers at all is a testament to your own decency. A few years ago a school friend (we are almost75) told me she had always wished my mother was hers. We were a very ordinary family but my widowed mother was very loving and a tower of strength. It turned out my friends mother had schizophrenia so much of her behaviour was due to this. What saddens me is that a 75 year old woman still suffers hurt because of the behaviour of her mother in childhood.

Philip Larkin had some truth in his line “they **** you up your Mum and Dad”.

 

[padawan444]

Thankyou for the kind responses + incredible to see that I'm not alone as this experience and the twists and turns of it have felt so isolating. I really understand the feelings of wistfulness over friends' parents and how supportive they are + especially since becoming a Mum myself. Instead of having all of this support and care from my Mum and seeing her want to spend time with my children, I've become like her Mother but without any of the rewards!

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

It wasn't until I had children, and watched them grow up that I realised how weird my childhood had been. I wasn't abused ,more emotionally neglected I'd say. But one unexpected joy has been the happiness I've had in looking after my mum. So there were rewards to becoming, as you say, like her mother. The other wonderful thing is that our children have seen us trying to overcome all the pain and turn around our lives. Having said all this, I truly believe each persons experience is unique. For some people, the relationship with an abusive parent is toxic and the adult child must walk away to survive. Take care Jackie, and if you get the chance to go over things with a good therapist, do try it. I reckon It's worth going on the GP's waiting list.

 

[padawan444]

Thankyou. Yes I’ve realised I’m feeling so confused and churned up. And there’s no time to think at the moment because I’ve got my hands full with a toddler and a newborn baby. I think I feel guilty for instinctively wanting to keep my Mum at arms length + I can’t bear to see her looking so thin and can’t bear that she’s not the person she was. But then as she slips further away I remember that there were nice aspects about her and that she did influence me much more than I’d realised. Before the dementia I could only feel resentful towards her. So I feel terribly sad that I’ve always wasted all these years feeling cross when I should have been acknowledging the good bits! I only seem able to look after her at arms length.

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

@Padawan 444 I recognise so much of what you say. You are right about recognising there were good bits too late. But don't forget there were reasons for us to withdraw and feel resentment, we were children ourselves. Good to know we are not alone with these conflicting feelings.

 

[Goldie Girl]

Thankyou. Yes I’ve realised I’m feeling so confused and churned up. And there’s no time to think at the moment because I’ve got my hands full with a toddler and a newborn baby. I think I feel guilty for instinctively wanting to keep my Mum at arms length + I can’t bear to see her looking so thin and can’t bear that she’s not the person she was. But then as she slips further away I remember that there were nice aspects about her and that she did influence me much more than I’d realised. Before the dementia I could only feel resentful towards her. So I feel terribly sad that I’ve always wasted all these years feeling cross when I should have been acknowledging the good bits! I only seem able to look after her at arms length.

padawan444 You have your hands full so try to protect yourself and your little ones by putting you and them first. I feel the looking after her at arms length is because you can only do so much and you have your hands so full. As said before on other posts I think counselling would help it did me. But I still have moments thinking what might have been.