Day Centre - How to get my OH to go

[Herewego]

Hi, Mum goes to a ‘club’ to help them out with the old people, that need company, and to help with jobs that need to done.
On the days when she decides she is not going, we say that’s fine, no one will force you to go, however, she has to pop there to let them know she is not going as they might think we are stopping her from going. And of course they will worry if they don’t see her, on arrival the staff are excellent and swoop her in.
Another one that works to get her to go is they are short staffed and need help - Mum to the rescue.
Good luck, it’s well worth it. X

Might need that tomorrow - or maybe all week, who knows, he has been talking negatively about going over this weekend, so may need all the various strategies! This weekend has been very trying - he has been really confused and everything he talks about is delusional / not real ......... when are we leaving (for the airport / bus / train) we need to get a move on as we are late etc. I am sure it is his way of saying 'I'm bored, lets go somewhere' but there are only so many times you can go to the supermarket, or garden centre and to be honest, it was too hot!

I think I will have a friend on standby for later in the week as if it isn't me taking him that may also be a way of getting him to go without too much hassle..........watch this space........

 

[DollyBird16]

This weekend has been very trying - he has been really confused and everything he talks about is delusional / not real ......... when are we leaving (for the airport / bus / train) we need to get a move on as we are late etc. I am sure it is his way of saying 'I'm bored, lets go somewhere'

Aha! I empathise we too were leaving for the same.

.....but there are only so many times you can go to the supermarket, or garden centre

I agree

......and to be honest, it was too hot!

For sure, i’m the one melting, rushing round to distract.
I have this weekend found a new distraction - ice lollies. Works a treat and of course gets some much needed liquid in. X

 

[Herewego]

@DollyBird16 - when he is in one of his frantic, need to go now we'll be late mind set, nothing distracts him for any length of time.

I did distract him for about 30 minutes over the weekend by giving him a couple of old photo albums (1 at a time) and told him he had to make notes of the photo's as I was planning to scan them and needed to know where/who/when etc so I could make notes on the pictures. By the time we got to the 2nd album he looked through it but couldn't be bothered to make any notes.

He threw a real wobbly when we arrived at the day centre today but has gone in, will see how he is when I pick him up. He was awake at 5am and on about being late for the train (no idea where we were going!) and couldn't settle until we got in the car. Only realised as we were the last 100 meters where we were and then said emphatically he had resigned, hated the place and did not want to go in. The centre mgr came out and he did go in with her, so we will see - they have not asked me to come and get him!

The Centre Mgr did warn me that they all say they don't want to go but to persevere and it works alright in the end. So far they have said he is fine while he is there, it is just with me that he gets in a strop...........

 

[hrh]

Mum goes to the age uk day centre twice weekly, they are a brilliant team, I say mum said can she have the day off being in charge as it’s a big responsibility, they said certainly of course she may. Because the centre is held in a church setting she believes she is attending the mother’s union and helping with the young mothers and teas. The staff are brilliant at letting her do this. And if she has a time when she says she not going we just say it’s too late to cancel her lunch and her friends would miss seeing her as she is such a laugh to be with. This wins her over every time. Also after 70 years living in the same house she is constantly packing to go home, we just say we can’t take her yet as the doctors haven’t said she can be discharged. Or she needs to go and see her mother, we just say yes on the next day her son is off work he will take her. We never, contradict her, go with the flow of which era she is in, collude and be her friend against everyone else, listen carefully to what she is saying and spot those hiccups more quickly.

 

[hrh]

@DollyBird16 - when he is in one of his frantic, need to go now we'll be late mind set, nothing distracts him for any length of time.

I did distract him for about 30 minutes over the weekend by giving him a couple of old photo albums (1 at a time) and told him he had to make notes of the photo's as I was planning to scan them and needed to know where/who/when etc so I could make notes on the pictures. By the time we got to the 2nd album he looked through it but couldn't be bothered to make any notes.

He threw a real wobbly when we arrived at the day centre today but has gone in, will see how he is when I pick him up. He was awake at 5am and on about being late for the train (no idea where we were going!) and couldn't settle until we got in the car. Only realised as we were the last 100 meters where we were and then said emphatically he had resigned, hated the place and did not want to go in. The centre mgr came out and he did go in with her, so we will see - they have not asked me to come and get him!

The Centre Mgr did warn me that they all say they don't want to go but to persevere and it works alright in the end. So far they have said he is fine while he is there, it is just with me that he gets in a strop...........

Maybe u could enquiry with social services now to have transportation to collect him, so he believes he is going on a journey. Just say the trains have all been delayed by engineering works or a cow on the line, then try saying to him can you believe that, and say that wouldn’t happen if you were in charge of electrical. Play to his better strengths and become a !we! team, we don’t believe it, we can’t have that, we can sort that out! Soon they see you as the one in the team who helps solve everything, helps them not to have responsibilities. It switching your thinking going into their world but remembering to jump back out of it lol. It’s a harsh disease.

 

[DollyBird16]

Maybe u could enquiry with social services now to have transportation to collect him, so he believes he is going on a journey. Just say the trains have all been delayed by engineering works or a cow on the line, then try saying to him can you believe that, and say that wouldn’t happen if you were in charge of electrical. Play to his better strengths and become a !we! team, we don’t believe it, we can’t have that, we can sort that out! Soon they see you as the one in the team who helps solve everything, helps them not to have responsibilities. It switching your thinking going into their world but remembering to jump back out of it lol. It’s a harsh disease.

Hi @hrh
Thank you for very helpful advice, I’ll be using the ‘we’ from now on. X

 

[Herewego]

Maybe u could enquiry with social services now to have transportation to collect him, so he believes he is going on a journey. Just say the trains have all been delayed by engineering works or a cow on the line, then try saying to him can you believe that, and say that wouldn’t happen if you were in charge of electrical. Play to his better strengths and become a !we! team, we don’t believe it, we can’t have that, we can sort that out! Soon they see you as the one in the team who helps solve everything, helps them not to have responsibilities. It switching your thinking going into their world but remembering to jump back out of it lol. It’s a harsh disease.

Good suggestion hrh but we live ourside the collection area for the bus and if you need it (even in the collection area) there is a much longer wait for the day centre - I got my OH in when I did because I was giving him a lift. Otherwise, good suggestion! I have thought that if he continues to be difficult about going that I would ask a friend to drop him off for me - one has offered but is away on holiday at the moment

 

[hrh]

Good suggestion hrh but we live ourside the collection area for the bus and if you need it (even in the collection area) there is a much longer wait for the day centre - I got my OH in when I did because I was giving him a lift. Otherwise, good suggestion! I have thought that if he continues to be difficult about going that I would ask a friend to drop him off for me - one has offered but is away on holiday at the moment

Do age uk do a befriended service in your area they could perhaps help with the lifts too, but good idea about a friend s they wouldn’t want to keep them waiting.

 

[Herewego]

So, afraid I lost it on Wednesday (day he doesn't go to the DC) - we had been to see OH's elderly cousin and her son. OH would normally be the one I would have to get to leave but this time, as soon as we had eaten lunch he became antsy and wanted to go. Left about an hour earlier than we would have - not really a problem except I had been exchanging genealogy information with the son - oh well.

Anyway on the 45 min drive home, OH started going on about the DC and how he wasn't going back there and I knew losing it wasn't going to necessarily achieve anything, but I couldn't stop myself

Before we left for the cousins, I let my OH's friends know he wouldn't be joining them for lunch (they normally go out for lunch every Wednesday) and took the opportunity to ask if anyone would do me the favour of giving OH a lift to the DC on Thursday (today). I had kept our close friends in the loop as to where OH is in regards to his disability, it helps when they go out, so they were aware that there were issues with regard to the DC. Long and short of it is, one of them took him this am and one picked him up. Did make the whole day much less stressful for me and I think for my OH as well. He still came home grumbling about the DC but not nearly as strongly as he had. Tomorrow one of our daughters will take him and I will pick him up........... His friends have also said they will take and collect on Thursday next week as well. Hopefully that will get us through this blip and he will settle in without needing to keep getting lifts from others.........

We will see............

 

[Herewego]

Well we are coming to the end of August and while the 4 days a week is good for me, well sort of, not sure it is going to last. My daughters took him yesterday and today and both times he said he did not wan to go, although has gone. When I picked him up yesterday he seemed fine, we will see about this afternoon.

My eldest daughter that took him today phoned me after she had dropped him off and said she had asked him why he didn't like it and he said he couldn't say, didn't know. The daughter thinks it is because she thinks they are patronising and her dad did say they treated him like a child. She may be right I guess but if he doesn't go there what do we do as I can not do 24/7/365!

I don't usually cry but have done today -

My OH is physically relatively OK but you can no longer have a conversation with him as everything in his world is not based in reality e.g. it is sad that his daughter and partner aren't together anymore, his daughter was silly to have another fella - never happened totally an utterly wrong; similar ilk on everything he talks about whether about the house, cars, children - there is nothing at all 'true' about what he currently thinks.

He wakes up every morning (too early) saying we need to hurry or we will be late, have I arranged for the cars to go back, do I know how much the parking is do we have change, do I have a map / know how to get there, should he drive (hasn't had a DL for over 1 mths)? etc.

Yesterday evening he was very unsettled and really can not be safely left to his own devices so whenever he gets up (which is every few minutes) you need to keep an eye on where is and what he is doing but then he gets annoyed if you ask - he wants to do stuff for himself, but can't and often gets up but by the time he reaches the kitchen or other room has forgotten why he was going there.

As he never had hobbies and his life revolved around work and his family/home it is very difficult now to keep him occupied, even if he could do anything himself. To top that he was actually quite bright (it is why they think he was able to 'hide' his symptoms as long as he did) and very occasionally he still remembers the odd thing.

I am just so frustrated - want to do the right thing, the best thing for him, but he and this terrible disease really do not make it easy!!!