Day Centre - How to get my OH to go

[Herewego]

I desperately need to get some respite on a regular basis and we have been looking at day centres but I have the awful feeling that my OH will think he is not 'like the people there' and refuse to go. Has anyone else had this issue and what did they do?

My OH is 73 and has always been judged (by colleagues/friends etal) as younger than he actually is, while he has slowed down quite a lot since dementia reared its ugly head, his is still quite good physically. No memory of recent events to speak of, and conversation is limited as he can't really follow a conversation anymore, has lost the concept of most things, That is, he doesn't think this is our house (of 35 years), he has no concept of time/date, can't always identify me, no idea of places, countries etal, can't remember where the children are/live, thinks he is still working etc., can't do his medication, get dressed find his bedroom, toilet, doesn't remember to eat/drink, can't in any way prepare his own food............

I am quite a bit younger than my OH so I still look after my young grandchildren on a regular (but not daily) basis, and enjoy looking after my large garden and now looking after the house, car etal since he can no longer do anything. For years, I have been doing and have taken on the responsibility of the household and could discuss with my OH things but for at least the last 6 months, this is no longer the case and I have stopped trying to involve my OH in any decisions or discussions as it becomes more of an issue - I just inform him if someone is coming to do something at the house. I know many of you will have also gone through this transition too.

He has started to wander - yesterday was at the local train station and thankfully seen by someone on the platform (unmanned weekends) and somehow they talked him out of going to Scotland (we live in Southern England) and he came back home. The police later came by to see if he had made it home and if he was OK. This is the second visit from the police in 10 days - in the 1st he said he had gone out (before I woke up) and saw a person/animal on the road and called the police as he thought it was dangerous - he 'sees' people and/or animals all the time - in the house, garden etc.

Last night I caught him driving one of our cars on the drive (I have now confiscated and hidden his keys - had already moved mine from the usual place they ere kept) earlier in his illness he had a 'thing' about his car keys and kept checking them, making sure he had them but knew he couldn't drive the car just kept making sure his keys were 'safe'.

There are not many places that will take him so getting him into one (or two) day centre's a couple times a week won't be easy, then if he refuses to go I don't know what I will do as I can not do 24/7 anymore, I need to get some life back.

I have things I need to do and cannot spend all day every day keeping OH safe and entertained, he cannot be left on his own, if I go away (even if only to the garden) for more than about 20 mins now (if that) he either goes out or phones someone or (as last night) drives the car. OK can't do that again as I have the keys now, but my point is I can't even go out to water the plants as he doesn't remember where I am and then does something he shouldn't as I am not there to talk him out of it.

So any advice - I have avoided talking about 'day centre's' and have instead said it is somewhere to get a good lunch and visit with people (he has always been social and likes socialising) - we are seeing one this am and it was suggested I say we are going to a lunch club.

 

[kindred]

I desperately need to get some respite on a regular basis and we have been looking at day centres but I have the awful feeling that my OH will think he is not 'like the people there' and refuse to go. Has anyone else had this issue and what did they do?

My OH is 73 and has always been judged (by colleagues/friends etal) as younger than he actually is, while he has slowed down quite a lot since dementia reared its ugly head, his is still quite good physically. No memory of recent events to speak of, and conversation is limited as he can't really follow a conversation anymore, has lost the concept of most things, That is, he doesn't think this is our house (of 35 years), he has no concept of time/date, can't always identify me, no idea of places, countries etal, can't remember where the children are/live, thinks he is still working etc., can't do his medication, get dressed find his bedroom, toilet, doesn't remember to eat/drink, can't in any way prepare his own food............

I am quite a bit younger than my OH so I still look after my young grandchildren on a regular (but not daily) basis, and enjoy looking after my large garden and now looking after the house, car etal since he can no longer do anything. For years, I have been doing and have taken on the responsibility of the household and could discuss with my OH things but for at least the last 6 months, this is no longer the case and I have stopped trying to involve my OH in any decisions or discussions as it becomes more of an issue - I just inform him if someone is coming to do something at the house. I know many of you will have also gone through this transition too.

He has started to wander - yesterday was at the local train station and thankfully seen by someone on the platform (unmanned weekends) and somehow they talked him out of going to Scotland (we live in Southern England) and he came back home. The police later came by to see if he had made it home and if he was OK. This is the second visit from the police in 10 days - in the 1st he said he had gone out (before I woke up) and saw a person/animal on the road and called the police as he thought it was dangerous - he 'sees' people and/or animals all the time - in the house, garden etc.

Last night I caught him driving one of our cars on the drive (I have now confiscated and hidden his keys - had already moved mine from the usual place they ere kept) earlier in his illness he had a 'thing' about his car keys and kept checking them, making sure he had them but knew he couldn't drive the car just kept making sure his keys were 'safe'.

There are not many places that will take him so getting him into one (or two) day centre's a couple times a week won't be easy, then if he refuses to go I don't know what I will do as I can not do 24/7 anymore, I need to get some life back.

I have things I need to do and cannot spend all day every day keeping OH safe and entertained, he cannot be left on his own, if I go away (even if only to the garden) for more than about 20 mins now (if that) he either goes out or phones someone or (as last night) drives the car. OK can't do that again as I have the keys now, but my point is I can't even go out to water the plants as he doesn't remember where I am and then does something he shouldn't as I am not there to talk him out of it.

So any advice - I have avoided talking about 'day centre's' and have instead said it is somewhere to get a good lunch and visit with people (he has always been social and likes socialising) - we are seeing one this am and it was suggested I say we are going to a lunch club.

Welcome and of course you need some respite. I think the idea of calling it a social or lunch club is a good one. I went through this with my husband and was sole carer for four years, and I managed to keep working, on a reduced basis, by having private carers (£20 an hour) come in several times on the morning I was working. Is this something you could do if the day centre business doesn't work? I know it's awful having to pay for time off, if you see what I mean, but it is the way things are with this dreadful business, and your own health is precious. Warmest and thank you for posting. Kindred.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello @Herewego . I'm going to get my dad into a day centre soon (he's worse than your OH and not very active) and I talk to him about a craft group or a lunch club. But I have heard of others in here, with active PWD selling daycare to them as a "job" where they go and "help out" and the carers at the centres have been happy to go along with the story and have given them little supervised tasks to do while they're there.

One of the centres near me has a garden, another a workshop, and some PWD have simply helped with serving the coffee and cakes then enjoyed the company!
Good luck!

 

[Helly68]

Herewego - sounds like a really tough situation for you.
The Supper Club idea sounds good. We transitioned (awful phrase) my Mum into a full time care home place by her going as a day person for about six months prior to moving in and that did help. She liked being able to socialise with other people as my Dad had previously been her only day to day carer and relations between them were by that time strained, to say the least.

 

[Herewego]

Hello @Herewego . I'm going to get my dad into a day centre soon (he's worse than your OH and not very active) and I talk to him about a craft group or a lunch club. But I have heard of others in here, with active PWD selling daycare to them as a "job" where they go and "help out" and the carers at the centres have been happy to go along with the story and have given them little supervised tasks to do while they're there.

One of the centres near me has a garden, another a workshop, and some PWD have simply helped with serving the coffee and cakes then enjoyed the company!
Good luck!

Oh good idea - my OH already thinks he is working or talks about getting a job - this idea may actually work..........

 

[Herewego]

Herewego - sounds like a really tough situation for you.
The Supper Club idea sounds good. We transitioned (awful phrase) my Mum into a full time care home place by her going as a day person for about six months prior to moving in and that did help. She liked being able to socialise with other people as my Dad had previously been her only day to day carer and relations between them were by that time strained, to say the least.

I can empathise with your dad - it is not easy moving from being a couple to being a carer and can be highly frustrating especially when it is 24/7 and when your own life is virtually 'on hold' as there is no time, energy and no space to do anything but the essentials.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Just a thought...what about a befriending service or a sitting service with him at home. The care agency my MIL uses has a sitting service albeit it's a paid service. I don't know whether age UK provide something similar

 

[maryjoan]

I can empathise with your dad - it is not easy moving from being a couple to being a carer and can be highly frustrating especially when it is 24/7 and when your own life is virtually 'on hold' as there is no time, energy and no space to do anything but the essentials.

Yes, you need, must have the respite - I am in exactly our position. My OH used to go for one night a month to stay somewhere - wonderful - but he has stopped doing that because he 'doesn't like it' and SS considered it too expensive as well!!
Good Luck in your search

 

[monkeygirl15]

Hi Herewego

It sounds like you have a very challenging situation and one you really do need to be giving yourself regular breaks from. The thing is, we often don't realise how much these things are taking a toll on us when we are in them. We just keep on keeping on. It does sound like a good idea to ask a local club to "give him a job" or to get a befriending service involved. My mum hated anything that she felt made her look weak - but if someone needed her help with something that was a different matter. I think you will have much more chance of success approaching it from that angle. Good luck...

 

[DollyBird16]

Hi, Mum goes to a ‘club’ to help them out with the old people, that need company, and to help with jobs that need to done.
On the days when she decides she is not going, we say that’s fine, no one will force you to go, however, she has to pop there to let them know she is not going as they might think we are stopping her from going. And of course they will worry if they don’t see her, on arrival the staff are excellent and swoop her in.
Another one that works to get her to go is they are short staffed and need help - Mum to the rescue.
Good luck, it’s well worth it. X

 

[Helly68]

I can empathise with your dad - it is not easy moving from being a couple to being a carer and can be highly frustrating especially when it is 24/7 and when your own life is virtually 'on hold' as there is no time, energy and no space to do anything but the essentials.

Yes, I agree. He did a brilliant job which is very difficult

 

[Peteee]

I desperately need to get some respite on a regular basis and we have been looking at day centres but I have the awful feeling that my OH will think he is not 'like the people there' and refuse to go. Has anyone else had this issue and what did they do?

My OH is 73 and has always been judged (by colleagues/friends etal) as younger than he actually is, while he has slowed down quite a lot since dementia reared its ugly head, his is still quite good physically. No memory of recent events to speak of, and conversation is limited as he can't really follow a conversation anymore, has lost the concept of most things, That is, he doesn't think this is our house (of 35 years), he has no concept of time/date, can't always identify me, no idea of places, countries etal, can't remember where the children are/live, thinks he is still working etc., can't do his medication, get dressed find his bedroom, toilet, doesn't remember to eat/drink, can't in any way prepare his own food............

I am quite a bit younger than my OH so I still look after my young grandchildren on a regular (but not daily) basis, and enjoy looking after my large garden and now looking after the house, car etal since he can no longer do anything. For years, I have been doing and have taken on the responsibility of the household and could discuss with my OH things but for at least the last 6 months, this is no longer the case and I have stopped trying to involve my OH in any decisions or discussions as it becomes more of an issue - I just inform him if someone is coming to do something at the house. I know many of you will have also gone through this transition too.

He has started to wander - yesterday was at the local train station and thankfully seen by someone on the platform (unmanned weekends) and somehow they talked him out of going to Scotland (we live in Southern England) and he came back home. The police later came by to see if he had made it home and if he was OK. This is the second visit from the police in 10 days - in the 1st he said he had gone out (before I woke up) and saw a person/animal on the road and called the police as he thought it was dangerous - he 'sees' people and/or animals all the time - in the house, garden etc.

Last night I caught him driving one of our cars on the drive (I have now confiscated and hidden his keys - had already moved mine from the usual place they ere kept) earlier in his illness he had a 'thing' about his car keys and kept checking them, making sure he had them but knew he couldn't drive the car just kept making sure his keys were 'safe'.

There are not many places that will take him so getting him into one (or two) day centre's a couple times a week won't be easy, then if he refuses to go I don't know what I will do as I can not do 24/7 anymore, I need to get some life back.

I have things I need to do and cannot spend all day every day keeping OH safe and entertained, he cannot be left on his own, if I go away (even if only to the garden) for more than about 20 mins now (if that) he either goes out or phones someone or (as last night) drives the car. OK can't do that again as I have the keys now, but my point is I can't even go out to water the plants as he doesn't remember where I am and then does something he shouldn't as I am not there to talk him out of it.

So any advice - I have avoided talking about 'day centre's' and have instead said it is somewhere to get a good lunch and visit with people (he has always been social and likes socialising) - we are seeing one this am and it was suggested I say we are going to a lunch club.

" mum, I need to get out for a bit, are you coming?" We called at the centre... As far as mum is concerned she made some new friends. If it's a good centre you will soon be wandering why you worried so much. ....i don't think there is a right way or wrong way ....just get there mate. Be good to yourself, x.

 

[Herewego]

" mum, I need to get out for a bit, are you coming?" We called at the centre... As far as mum is concerned she made some new friends. If it's a good centre you will soon be wandering why you worried so much. ....i don't think there is a right way or wrong way ....just get there mate. Be good to yourself, x.

Oh I like it simple approach that I agree could work. Just found that the centre I would like him to go to is full at the moment, so will have to wait till they have room. There is one that is closer which I will take him to on Monday, however it is very small, so will see how that goes. I was planning for OH to go today but his memory clinic appointment was changed so that it is now late morning today - hence decided to move the 1st full day at the centre to Monday.

 

[Herewego]

Brilliant news late on Friday - the centre I want OH to go to has room on the 2 days I want!! Needless to say I grabbed it with both hands! With the weekend and Monday I had I have also decided that as additional days come available I plan to take those too.

It is the repetition that is driving me nuts - what is interesting is that a friend took OH for a walk yesterday (with the dog) and apparently he was fine but as soon as he got home - hardly out of her car before he wanted to know had I taken the rental car back, when I said no - we don't have a rental car - he ignored/did not accept, we did not have a rental car and wanted the phone number so he could ring them to sort it out etal.....then noticed his 'bags' (shopping bags with his computer, shoes and some books), had not been picked up and he was annoyed as they had clearly been there and taken some stuff but left some of his bags behind......that we needed to go to the airport and so he went on till mid afternoon! He finally fell asleep for a while and then was not as bad when he woke up.

Now to see if he will go (and keep going) to the DC...............

 

[Herewego]

Quick update - OH now at his 2nd day at the Centre - 1st day (Tuesday) he had his phone with him and as soon as lunch was over started to ring me - I answered the 1st time - just said he was wondering who was picking him up etal. I emailed the centre to say I was happy to answer if they thought I should but also happy to ignore (as I had his subsequent 3 calls!) - they said sorry and would try to stop it. When I arrived they told me that they had made sure Pat knew about their rules (newly implemented! haha) that mobiles had to be left on the managers desk and were not allowed in the centre! Love it!

All in all he seemed to enjoy the day, did not get annoyed at me leaving him there and when I took him back today he wasn't sure but again did not really protest - so far so good.

With regard to getting him to go, I have just avoided any direct response to his questions about where are we going.

Last night he was packing - again and convinced we were working here (our home) and the sooner we could sort out the problem the sooner we could catch our plane and go home. Off and on all afternoon evening he was moving furniture around trying to find the wires and fix the probem..........he was a computer engineer and in his early years worked in commissioning large computer systems - and was a fire fighter - find and fix problems with the systems - so I know where this is coming from but I am so pleased he is at the centre today!!!

 

[DollyBird16]

Quick update - OH now at his 2nd day at the Centre - 1st day (Tuesday) he had his phone with him and as soon as lunch was over started to ring me - I answered the 1st time - just said he was wondering who was picking him up etal. I emailed the centre to say I was happy to answer if they thought I should but also happy to ignore (as I had his subsequent 3 calls!) - they said sorry and would try to stop it. When I arrived they told me that they had made sure Pat knew about their rules (newly implemented! haha) that mobiles had to be left on the managers desk and were not allowed in the centre! Love it!

All in all he seemed to enjoy the day, did not get annoyed at me leaving him there and when I took him back today he wasn't sure but again did not really protest - so far so good.

With regard to getting him to go, I have just avoided any direct response to his questions about where are we going.

Last night he was packing - again and convinced we were working here (our home) and the sooner we could sort out the problem the sooner we could catch our plane and go home. Off and on all afternoon evening he was moving furniture around trying to find the wires and fix the probem..........he was a computer engineer and in his early years worked in commissioning large computer systems - and was a fire fighter - find and fix problems with the systems - so I know where this is coming from but I am so pleased he is at the centre today!!!

Hi, good news on acceptance of the day centre, definitely got a good one, it’s shows, as they know how to handle things.

My Mum too is always looking pack and she wouldn’t stay here again - lived here for nearly 40 years.
So sad, but boy do those day centres help.

Take care, warm wishes to you both.

 

[Herewego]

Hi everyone

Thought an update is due as OH has now been going to the day centre and is on his 7th day today. Initially he was going Tuesday and Thursday but I had told the centre that as he had appeared to settle in well I also want to take Monday and Friday when they have room. So tomorrow will make his first 3 day week and then next week he will be going for 4 days!!

Can't wait - it won't make that much difference in the summer as far as getting things done and more 'me' time as on Monday and Friday I have grandkids all day - but will make those days easier - tomorrow I am taking the two older grandkids to a waterpark - something I couldn't do if granddad was with us.

While OH has mentioned 'not going here again' it has not been in a very strong way and I know he loves it, on Tuesday they had him dancing and he played snooker - he remembered them long enough to tell me on the way home. Once when we left he said ' well they haven't offered me the job yet!' made me laugh - it is clear that the personality of the helpers at the centre works for him - they keep him entertained and busy, and it also appears to be improving his sleep. Early days, and we will see how the 4 day week works, but so far so very good!

The only thing I struggle with is the not being able to say ' today you are going to the lunch club so lets put these clothes on' etc - that is telling OH exactly what is happening. It works better if I just say we are going out (he thinks we should be going out all the time anyway - meetings, dr's app'ts, eye test etc) so I don't actually say where we are going, just out. When we arrived, today he said 'oh not here, I thought we were going to Reading' but I just said no it is here. He seemed OK with that. The Centre mgr said you can also just say no that is tomorrow, as that works too. I have always been a 'tell it like it is' person, give it to me straight, so find it quite a challenge to either avoid answering (my preferred option) or just lie. I know that what we do is for their own good and best interest - as even tho' I need a break, I do think going to the centre is actually good for my OH and provides him with activity and stimulation he wouldn't get at home. I still find it difficult to not be straight with him..........goes against the grain!

Anyway, so far so good - I am so very happy that we appear to have found a great day centre that works for my OH. It is reasonably priced too (£40 per day incl. transport and a 2 course lunch, I take him tho') for 6 hours of care. As in the UK he is entitled to Attendance Allowance, that covers very slightly more than 2 days, so we now will need to finance the other 2 days but that is doable on his pension.

Will up date again if anything changes..........thanks for all your advice, you have been very helpful!

 

[Grannie G]

Well done for succeeding where I failed @ Herewego. It will help you so much.

 

[rhubarbtree]

Hi Herewego,

New to reading this thread and found it very interesting. You certainly have your hands full with the packing etc. Similar experience with day centre as you. OH goes two days a week at present but I can increase this if I want. At a previous day centre we did use the transport and OH enjoyed the bus picking him up. The drivers were friendly in a blokish sort of way and he responded well. Wish this new day centre did transport. Would save me clock watching. However, the wonderful carers at new day centre give him such a warm, friendly welcome he cannot resist going in.

My OHs memory is so short that he has never been able to tell me anything about his day. So sad.

 

[SKD]

The day centre was a great success with my Mum - she called it going to work - she loved the company and activities. I regret that many care homes seem to lack the enthusiasm and energy that was so present there. It's not for everyone but where it works it is a life saver.