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Dad's confusion and house purchase

Pantherapaws

Registered User
May 12, 2022
12
0
Hello... I'm new here and want to provide a longer intro thread to our situation with Dad, but I'm just dealing with current issues as they happen.

Last year my father offered to help us my husband and I with a gift deposit for a house purchase, my 'inheritance' as he called it. Not a great amount but enough to help us purchase a modest 2-3 bed end terrace. Our plan has always been that this house will not only provide us a home (we've been renting for the past 13 years), but more importantly, also for Dad when he feels he wants support as he gets older (he's 80 in August and has lived independently since becoming a widower 22 years ago). Last year we found a suitable house, we were asked to provide proof and source of funds etc., unfortunately we lost the house because Dad sent his cheque to the wrong post code, and turned up a month later, and he had also missed a few zeros off the cheque! (These were a few more red flags that things were starting to appear not all well with Dad during this particular year.) We have since found another house, and are just a couple of months away from completion. Solicitor asked us to provide proof of funds from Dad, for anti-money laundering etc., and the cheque to be deposited in our bank. I explained these requirements to Dad and sent him a letter with bullet points explaining as simply as I could, exactly what he needed to do.. just one or two sentences, together with pre-paid envelope etc. I then had several phone conversations with him over 2-3 days about what he needed to do as he wasn't able to grasp the instructions, and he was just getting more and more confused, but adamant he would get it sorted out. Eventually we had to travel down to Dad's (5 hours away) and go through his documents with him. He was confused about his bank statements, saying he had closed one of his accounts - which he hadn't - and I found paperwork in several different places. Eventually I took what the solicitor required, cheque in hand, certified driving licence and was good to go! I banked the cheque but this was 'returned' yesterday as his signature doesn't entirely match the signature the bank have on file. Dad was very annoyed and disgruntled when I told him, and how ridiculous it all was but we both could understand the bank's cautiousness due to the amount. I suggested Dad phone his bank to advise what he should do to which they said he should go to his local branch to have his signature verified etc. So we spoke at length yesterday about what he needs to do when he goes to his bank today.

So today.. that is what he will be doing, however, in the meantime Dad has called me this morning, asking me again what he needs to do, admitting that he's finding this all very confusing. And I'm feeling absolutely helpless. I did speak with his bank's customer centre just to ask if the cheque will be represented or if Dad can write a new one but no, he needs to update his signature mandate which could take a couple of weeks, or easiest, Dad can ask them to make a CHAPS transfer today to my account. So I've tried my best to explain this all to Dad.. asked him to make notes and take this with him, with some ID etc., but I'm incredibly nervous about this that Dad's going to be able to manage this, and also feeling upset because Dad's under this pressure and I can't do anything to help him as I don't have the authority, and have my solicitor asking about the deposit! I'm nervous for Dad if the bank can sense he may be confused.. I'm stressed about my poor Dad having to do all this by himself because I'm so far away and I'm extremely anxious about possibly losing the house purchase if this issue with the deposit is going to cause significant delays. And I certainly don't want to start mentioning to anyone that my father 'is getting confused'!

We've talked with Dad so many times about him living with us but he's always been so adamant, and I totally understand, about remaining where he is, but it's becoming increasingly apparent to both myself and my husband that it would be better for Dad to live with us so that we can take care of him and his needs, especially getting older. He will disagree but being 5 hours away, we can't continue to manage things like this on a permanent basis. This house purchase is vital and an absolute priority. I'm anxiously expecting to receive another call from Dad later today asking 'What do I need to do?' or that he went to the bank but got too confused and nothing's been done!

I've today mentioned to him that perhaps it's time we looked at PoA and to my surprise, Dad has agreed. I've explained that I can't take care of anything for him if I don't have authority. (He's got council tax outstanding, car should have been taxed a week ago... I remind him daily but he wants to deal with this.)

Hope someone can relate with the sensitive financial issue we're currently undergoing today - if all else fails, I'll have to go down to Dad's and sort this out with him in person rather than on the phone and maybe make an appointment with his bank to become a 'third party' on his account. I don't want the bank to suspect Dad may have a mental health issue - how do organisations view and deal with customers who might have the start of dementia??? It's all new territory for me. And currently, Dad is refusing point blank to see his GP because 'Nothing wrong with my memory!!'. It makes me very sad.. he always been so astute, a great businessman, brilliant mathematician, alpha male type and to see/hear him now, my heart breaks.

Thank you for listening.
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
1,068
0
Yes I can relate to the payment by CHAPS bit as I did this yesterday & was asked that many security questions I started feeling like I was up to no good. It took ages. Hopefully your dads ID is up to date, driving licence or passport? I think it’s really important for you to sort out LPA for both finances & health asap. It can be done on line but still takes a few months to be processed apparently.
Hopefully your dad will agree to move but if not I’m wondering how a large sum might impact on a future financial assessment for care. They are quite hot on things they see as deprivation of assets even though that’s not your intent. It may be to get around that issue your dads name will need to be on the deeds.
I‘m no expert on this but I have read of these situations on the forum. Hopefully someone with knowledge will post.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
4,321
0
Midlands
I wonder wether if its such a problem wether the transaction should be happening really.

If he needs care in the near future, deprivation of assets could be a real issue

As his POA you have to be really careful about what happens to his money - Iknow you are not yet- but gixving it toyourselves wouldnt be deemed in his best interest
 

Pantherapaws

Registered User
May 12, 2022
12
0
Goodness, I have no idea about all this because it's all totally new to me. Any care required for Dad would, I'd like to think, be provided by myself. Could some please explain why he would need 'financial assessment for care'? I've never at any time considered my Dad being anywhere except with me.

Why should the transaction not be happening? He has offered to help us buy a house, and if we can't proceed with this purchase then we will be in a very difficult situation for our retirement and more importantly, will be unable to provide a home for Dad.

Can someone also please explain in further details about PoA and how it wouldn't be deemed in his best interests when all I'm trying to do is assist him if and when that time becomes necessary. I'm his only child and want to provide as much support for my Dad as I can. If I'm sounding ignorant then, hands up, I absolutely am.

And please be kind...I'm at the very beginning of this; it's a very distressing situation with Dad now.. I have only my husband for emotional support.
Thank you.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
4,321
0
Midlands
There may come a time- no one can tell, just read some of the topics here- when you cannot manage your dads care.

In that eventuality , he would be assessed financially with regard to who pays for the care- him or the authorities- based on his assets. Since he is already on the road , losing his mental capasity, and getting so confused and muddled about things- that help may eventually need to be on the radar. No one can tell how fast and how things will develop.

I can see what you you are saying about his best interests, but using his money to buy yourself a house wouldnt be seen as such particually by a POA- without certain proviso- like him being co owner of your house NOW when he invests the money.

Long and the short of it- if he cannot complete the transaction independantly- should he be doing so now?
it takes very little for a person with dementia to 'forget' what they have said/promised or how to do things- as you say he is struggling with.
You perhaps need to consider the sums involved 20K from someone who only has £30K , would be viewed differently to 10k from someone with 700K in the bank
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,843
0
South coast
Hello @Pantherapaws and welcome to Talking Point.

I think everybody who starts caring for someone with dementia starts off assuming that they will be able to look after that person without any additional help right up to the end.
The reality of the situation is that actually, it is very hard - and gets progressively harder as the dementia progresses. You only have to read around the threads on this forum (try reading some of the threads in the section "I care for someone with dementia" to see) Many cares who try and do it alone become completely broken by it and most people with dementia require carers to help with personal care/giving medication and then later, a car home.

Once you need professional help with caring it becomes expensive. My OH is currently in 2 weeks respite in a nursing home as I am not coping very well. It is costing over £2,000 and we are paying for it ourselves. Savings dont go very far and once you are at the stage of needing help with the fees you have to have a financial assessment to work out how much you will need to contribute. At this point the assessors ill be looking at bank statements etc and one of the things they will be looking for is Deprivation of Assets. If your dad has gifted you a large sum of money this is likely to be considered Deprivation of Assets. As such the Local Authority would then either require you to repay the gifted money, or refuse to fund any care. I have seen threads on here started by people who were in that exact position.

The other problem you have is your dads capacity to deal with his finances. From your description I doubt that he still has the capacity and you will need to take over using POA soon. Once you start using POA the rules change - you have to use his finances in your dads best interest and you are not allowed to benefit from anything that you do. Using a POA to gift yourself a sum of money is a huge no no (I dont think you can use it to loan yourself money either), so I think you my be stumped.

You mention being granted 3rd part access to your dads accounts. My mum wouldnt grant POA, but she did allow me 3rd party access. We had to go to the bank and see the bank manager and mum had to explain herself what she wanted, provide ID and sign multiple pieces of paper. She still had capacity to deal with her finances at this point, but she still found it a lengthy procedure and hard going. If the bank manager had decided that she did not have capacity, the recommended response is to freeze all the accounts until someone registers POA. I think that if you tried this route there would be a good chance that your dads confusion would become apparent and his accounts would be frozen.

Your dad may have talked about it being "your inheritance", but the truth is that it only becomes your inheritance after he has died - until then it is his money and should be used for his benefit. I do think you will have to think all of this through.
 

Pantherapaws

Registered User
May 12, 2022
12
0
Many thanks for the latest comments which we shall certainly take on board. I just want to point out that this deposit was entirely my father's decision to gift us, and more than 18 months ago. And he knows that our intention is to provide a home for him if he chooses to live with us. At the moment he's decided he's not ready to come.. 'maybe in a year'.
 

Yankeeabroad

Registered User
Oct 24, 2021
90
0
Hi @Pantherapaws and welcome.
I’m not going to comment on the use of funds/house purchase as my parents live in the US and things are different there. However…

You really need to get the POA or 3rd party access to ALL of your dad’s accounts sorted out now! What you are describing is my dad (& I’d call him middle stage dementia).

Without access, everthing would be a shambles. I can oversee his credit cards and bank accounts electronically and we work together normally as a team to sort out random incoming bills. internet and home shopping network orders are a total nightmare. He keeps a “corner” of mail for me and I sleuth around to find more things when I’m there. I think the local banks and service providers in the US are also a bit more accomodating to help us get our business completed. The bank, insurance company, local notary (legal witness), etc do call when something looks amiss. He has a caregiver 3 days per week keeping some tabs and helping me out on urgent issues. Even so, I have to go back every 6-10 weeks now to check and sort things in person.

Your dad may eventually need more help than you can give. Please accept that. But your dad also needs to eventually accept that as well. It’s difficult.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,456
0
Yorkshire
Hi @Pantherapaws
I think you're in a bit of a grey area at the moment
Your dad wants to help you with buying your own home and decided that 18 months ago, which is something that many parents hope to be able to do ... he clearly has the funds to do this
Your dad has no diagnosis however you have concerns
he's been unable to organise his finances and may need your help to pay the funds over

This may help you consider his ability to self finance any care he may need in the future

Your definitely be wise to help him sort out LPAs, for the future

Right now, and since your dad made this decision, there's nothing to stop it going ahead

The problem may arise in the future should your dad ever be in the situation that he needs the Local Authority to contribute to the cost of his care ie if his income does not cover the costs and his savings/assets fall below the threshold of £23250 ... the LA will then assess his finances and can check back into his financial history ... if they find that he has gifted a generous amount they may look into the circumstances to decide whether they consider the gift to have been deliberately depriving herself of assets in order not to pay the money towards payment of his care fees

Your explanation of the situation might suggest that he is not deliberately depriving himself of funds ... members are simply wanting you to be aware of potential concerns so you can be prepared
 

Pantherapaws

Registered User
May 12, 2022
12
0
Hi @Pantherapaws
I think you're in a bit of a grey area at the moment
Your dad wants to help you with buying your own home and decided that 18 months ago, which is something that many parents hope to be able to do ... he clearly has the funds to do this
Your dad has no diagnosis however you have concerns
he's been unable to organise his finances and may need your help to pay the funds over


Right now, and since your dad made this decision, there's nothing to stop it going ahead

The problem may arise in the future should your dad ever be in the situation that he needs the Local Authority to contribute to the cost of his care ie if his income does not cover the costs and his savings/assets fall below the threshold of £23250 ... the LA will then assess his finances and can check back into his financial history ... if they find that he has gifted a generous amount they may look into the circumstances to decide whether they consider the gift to have been deliberately depriving herself of assets in order not to pay the money towards payment of his care fees

Your explanation of the situation might suggest that he is not deliberately depriving himself of funds ... members are simply wanting you to be aware of potential concerns so you can be prepared
Thank you Shredech, that's very helpful also. My ex-husband's mother has had alzheimer's since 2013 and to this day, she remains at home with her husband however they now, and only now, have assistance with carers coming to the house three times a day. I know one can never know how this disease affects our loved ones, and how slow or fast it progresses, but I do honestly hope, as naive as we may be, that if Dad were diagnosed with dementia, we too would be able to look after him between us for as long as possible. Certainly in my husband's culture, it's the duty of adult children to look after parents in old age. As I say, that's our hope if that situation arises. He has some time ago told me that he never wants to go into a care home, and I have said ths same, so he will either remain living independently for as long as he can, and then, when he decides to, come to live with us. He's always concerned as to where his bookcases and thousands of books will go if he moves from his current home and I've been so thrilled to tell him that in the new house, he'll have the whole front lounge for himself with plenty of room to replicate his current lounge which he was very happy about and 'Yes, Dad.. even room for your bookcases.". So for us, purchasing this house, getting it decorated and ready for Dad, whenever he's ready, is our top priority.

We have asked Dad several times to confirm that he has sufficient funds from which to gift us the deposit, which he has confirmed and, if there were any doubt about this then we would categorically not accept his gift. There is no question about our integrity and intentions in this matter.

Sorry if I'm a little prickly.. I'm new here, haven't read many posts yet, and find myself dealing with a new chapter in my Dad's life, not quite sure where and who to turn to for support being from a very small and quite distant family, and want to ensure we can do the best for him and be there for him as much as he needs, as I'm sure every single person on this forum wishes the same for their loved one.

@Jessbow - thank you for the links. I used a tax calculator and entered amounts which returned potential zero inheritance tax to pay. Dad's gift deposit is not a huge sum and we will still have a small mortgage as well. He rents his home.

Thank you again for the support.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
888
0
@Pantherapaws, even the cost of visiting carers can amount to hundreds of pounds a month if the person is having three or four visits a day. I think that you mentioned that you are an only child and so the care of your father is unlikely to be shared with any other family members. Many spouses, partners and adult children care very devotedly for their PWD, often for years, but eventually reach the point where they cannot cope any longer and have to make the decision to move their PWD to a care home. Sometimes this is because the PWD's behaviour becomes exceptionally challenging. Sometimes it's because the PWD becomes very frail and / or is constantly at risk of falling and / or has other health problems on top of the dementia. Sometimes it's because the carer him/herself develops health problems or just becomes too old to cope with the needs of a person with advanced dementia. In some cases it's a mixture of these things. It's not possible to predict how difficult it will be looking after a PWD as there are so many unknowns. Your ex father-in-law has done very well to look after his wife for such a long time without paid help but I think that that's quite unusual and you may find that your ex mother-in-law does eventually move to a care home.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,576
0
Thank you Shredech, that's very helpful also. My ex-husband's mother has had alzheimer's since 2013 and to this day, she remains at home with her husband however they now, and only now, have assistance with carers coming to the house three times a day. I know one can never know how this disease affects our loved ones, and how slow or fast it progresses, but I do honestly hope, as naive as we may be, that if Dad were diagnosed with dementia, we too would be able to look after him between us for as long as possible. Certainly in my husband's culture, it's the duty of adult children to look after parents in old age. As I say, that's our hope if that situation arises. He has some time ago told me that he never wants to go into a care home, and I have said ths same, so he will either remain living independently for as long as he can, and then, when he decides to, come to live with us. He's always concerned as to where his bookcases and thousands of books will go if he moves from his current home and I've been so thrilled to tell him that in the new house, he'll have the whole front lounge for himself with plenty of room to replicate his current lounge which he was very happy about and 'Yes, Dad.. even room for your bookcases.". So for us, purchasing this house, getting it decorated and ready for Dad, whenever he's ready, is our top priority.

We have asked Dad several times to confirm that he has sufficient funds from which to gift us the deposit, which he has confirmed and, if there were any doubt about this then we would categorically not accept his gift. There is no question about our integrity and intentions in this matter.

Sorry if I'm a little prickly.. I'm new here, haven't read many posts yet, and find myself dealing with a new chapter in my Dad's life, not quite sure where and who to turn to for support being from a very small and quite distant family, and want to ensure we can do the best for him and be there for him as much as he needs, as I'm sure every single person on this forum wishes the same for their loved one.

@Jessbow - thank you for the links. I used a tax calculator and entered amounts which returned potential zero inheritance tax to pay. Dad's gift deposit is not a huge sum and we will still have a small mortgage as well. He rents his home.

Thank you again for the support.
When a person suffers Dementia, in all it's different forms, there are some common themes.
The most common is a wish for things not to change, under any circumstances.
Your Dad made a decision 18 months ago to live with you in a suitable house, when the need arose.
Now his ability to manage has noticably declined, with that, his ability to accept change will have decreased, to the point of any change is met with a definite "NO" to any proposed alteration to living style. This is almost diagnoistic of dementia, it's so common.
You live 5 hours away, and have no ability to have him to live with you now.
Should he have a fall, which results in a hospital stay of any lenght, then his current living arrangments will be looked at most carefully, if the house cannot for what ever reason, be adapted(building style, landlord permission, etc.) then a Care Home placement would be made. Without a Lasting Power of Attorney in place your wishes would be almost ignored.
The Care home placement, would have a Financial assessment made to discover who would be paying for the Home, him or the Local Authority.

Bod
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
1,068
0
Lots of scenarios that could happen or may not. We are just making you aware of some of the pitfalls. However you are clearly very caring of your dad & im sure with well meant information from posters & the forum in general, you will make the best decision. Wishing you all well.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
6,336
0
Chester
I didn't fully realise my mum had dementia until she had a crisis and then things hit hard. She lived 3.5 hours from me and always came to stay at mine due to her historic hoarding.

In the few years before dementia hit I tried to have logical conversations with her and just couldn't make sense of why my previously level headed mum was coming out with such odd things.

It took some time after her crisis to get things sorted and understand what dementia was - It was horrible in the time I was trying to get things sorted as I just needed to do 10 things at once and it took time to get these done.

My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's over 8 years ago and as is typical it has been a slow but steady deterioration.

Whilst she could still remember some things OK 8 years ago, in my words 'logic had gone out of the window' then. Another member here uses the phrase 'her logic boxes were fried' although in her case her mum had vascular dementia but this definitely applied to my mum.

Dementia isn't the adverts of the little old dear with memory problems and the phrase 'living well with dementia' frankly makes my blood boil. Coping with my mother whilst working and bringing up children has severely stretched me at times and she doesn't live with me., although she did stay for 3 months whilst I found her somewhere nearby to live. That was 'interesting' and her dementia has progressed significantly since then.

If you've met one person with dementia you've met one person with dementia so what you've witnessed with your ex in laws might be very different from how your father progresses.

Dementia brings out the stubbornness in people and it is very frustrating in the early stages as they have capacity but logic and understanding has gone. Default is often no. In my mum's case she used phrases like I don't see why I should and you have to present it in a way that she can agree to.

I do think if your father is 5 hours away from you getting him nearer to you ASAP is a good strategy. He is only going to get worse and the phone crisis you've had will seem so minor as things progress and you can only call on neighbours etc so many times. It sounds like he was more aware of needing support from you 18 months ago than he is now and it might be that he doesn't comprehend his need for support so much now. I suggest you get 3rd party access to his account if you can now and get POAs for legal and health put in place so you can use them if things go pop (which might not be far off).

Banks are legally required to freeze accounts if they think someone doesn't have capacity but I suspect they do try and give a bit of support. I recall my mum mentioning that she no longer went into a certain bank branch because they were too nosy but with hindsight wonder if they were asking questions because of her odd behaviour and she didn't like it and she wasn't aware she was behaving oddly.

Sadly dementia is a degenerative brain disease and one of the symptoms is not being aware of how you are and the support you need.

But if you do get him to move in with you be aware that Dementia is a disease that demands more and more from the carers and can bring you to your knees. If your dad will be self funding it is easier to arrange carers as and when you need them and a move to a care home when that becomes necessary as social services drag their heels about getting involved.

My friend C cared for her elderly in laws (no dementia) having bought a house where they could all live and she gave up work. She regrets doing this despite having regular respite (FIL went to a care home for a fortnight from time to time) and when her mother in law became frail she wasn't prepared to do it again and MIL went to a care home. Her in laws had contributed to the house purchase but had sufficient funds to pay for the care home when the time came.

When my mum had her crisis C told me not to even consider caring for my mum as caring for a frail elderly person without dementia had nearly broken her and it took her years to recover.

My mum had stopped washing before her crisis, when she stayed her I did manage to persuade her once a week to take a bath but it got increasingly difficult - and she could be very nasty and rude to me when I was trying to organise things. It took carers 2 years to persuade her to shower again. My son was 8 when she stayed her for 3 months and her behaviour reminded me of a 3 to 4 year old and I instinctively spoke in the firm 'don't mess with me' way I used when my son was this age. At that stage it got results but as dementia has progressed it wouldn't have worked and I'm grateful that she was in supported living with a team of carers to take this on. She moved to a care home in April.

My mum had lost capacity to gift when she had her crisis but MIL has recently made some gifts. As she was in her late 80s when she made those gifts and had mobility issues it was likely she would need carers and in due course a care home when these gifts were made and this was taken into consideration when the gifts were made to ensure MIL would retain enough funds. My Mum's care home costs £1015 a week and her care at home cost £200 a week before she moved. Her income covered her care at home.

You will find a way to navigate things as we all do but it will be tough as all of us who post on here have found.

Do keep posting, everyone is trying to make you aware of the pitfalls but will be supportive.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,348
0
Hi @Pantherapaws You say that your dad rents his home which is a bit of a worry. If he had his own home that could be sold at a later date it wouldn't be such a concern but it is. Unless he has a great deal of money in the bank then how could he afford the care that he may need in the future. It may cost in the hundreds of thousands. Also you say you have asked him if he has sufficient funds but that is not enough, you need to know exactly how much he has before you even consider going forward with this.

You say you are willing to look after him as long as is needed. Well I did that with my dad, I moved in 24/7 to look after him and with the best will in the world it was very difficult and my dad was the easiest and most amenable PWD that there ever was and I think quite rare, no wandering, no toilet problems, no temper tantrums but it still drove me to my wits end. You say he does not want to be separated from his books. If he has dementia (which sounds very likely) his books could eventually become meaningless to him. You say that you are nearing retirement, what if something happens to you or your husband, how will you manage.

I am saying this with kindness but unless your dad is very affluent I don't see how it could work unless perhaps your dad has his name on the deeds as part owner but even that has problems.

In truth whatever your dad said before, things have changed and he obviously does not have the capacity to make a decision like this.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,399
0
High Peak
I feel for you @Pantherapaws . All you are trying to do is enable your father's gift so you can get that house and provide for his needs in the future. Nothing wrong with that!

My mum had always joked that I'd get a new kitchen when she died (from the money I inherited.) It was a joke because we all knew she'd be able to leave me considerably more than the cost of a new kitchen - she was very fortunate. A few years before diagnosis but when I had strong suspicions she had dementia, she said to me, 'There's no point waiting till I die for your new kitchen. If you want to go ahead with it now, I'll give you the money for it.' I was thrilled, and commenced planning, looking at designs, etc. A couple of weeks later I spoke to her on the phone and told her I'd been looking at cabinets, etc. 'Oh!' she said, 'Are you getting a new kitchen?' I said, 'Erm... yes! You said I could get it done now and you'd pay for it!' Mum replied, 'I most certainly did not! Buy your own kitchen! You'll get your money when I'm dead and not before!' She was really angry and offended that I'd had the cheek to lie about this and make up such ridiculous stories as she would never had said such a thing...

Now, I'm not saying this will happen to you. (I sincerely hope not!) But it sounds like your dad is already very dithery about his finances and making decisions. As others have said, if he goes to the bank and makes a lot of errors or seems confused, they may make the decision to freeze his accounts. If you're going to manage this transfer and house purchase, you need to get it done straightaway and I'd really suggest it's worth you going to the bank with him - he'll be far more confident if you're there.

As for the other stuff - paying for care, deprivation of assets, etc, it very much depends on how much he's got. If he's got a million stashed in the bank, it's no problem. But as you say he rents his house (and wouldn't be liable for IHT), I'm guessing he has considerably less. No one can tell you how his dementia will progress - he may need carers or a care home, he may not. He may live for many years, he may not. It may be possible for you to care for him till the end but it may not. Imagine this scenario: you do the transfer, get the house and your dad moves to live with you next year - all good! Unfortuntaely, things go pear-shaped very quickly. Dad becomes angry, aggressive, incontinent and decides he hates you and your husband and wants to go back to his own house. If this sounds unlikely, believe me, it is not! So you have no choice but to move him to a care home or to another rented property with carers to look after him. How much money would he have left at that point? He would have to pay for all his care costs till his savings fall below £23,500 at which point he'd need a financial assessment. That's where the possible issue of deprivation of assets would come in. But again, if he has plenty of money and is unlikely to run out before he dies, it wouldn't be a problem. As a very rough guide, my mum spent her last 3 years in a care home at a cost of about £150,000 which she paid all of. Care costs are eye-wateringly expensive. (I don't know where you live so the costs could be considerably more.)

I'd say if you're going to do this, get up there and help him to do it immediately, but also consider what monies he will have left and how that could affect things going forwards, if he needs care beyond what you can provide. Good luck and keep posting...
 

Pantherapaws

Registered User
May 12, 2022
12
0
Thank you all.. I'm feeling absolutely overwhelmed at the moment, often in tears, because of the complete loneliness I feel with all this that's happening to Dad. I really wish I could sit down with someone and go through everything that's happening, and also our plans for the future, and come up with some suggestions as to what we can all do because it's just becoming quite complex. None of my family are aware, except an aunt and she's in her 70s, doesn't drive so hasn't seen her brother in years, but that's the only member of my family who knows that something is amiss with Dad. The fact that Dad is absolutely adamant that there is nothing wrong, even when it's suggested it 'could be' a vitamin deficiency - one daren't mention the 'D' word or he goes ballistic - is so frustrating. I just feel absolutely helpless. Is there anyone or any organisation I can speak with to go through the current issues I'm facing?
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
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Chester
I'm so sorry you feel overwhelmed - I felt this way too - and to be honest it's normal.

You are right that everything could be down to a vitamin deficiency and sometimes people have managed to get their PWD to see the GP by having a word with the GP and getting them called in for a well man check (the GP can't give you any info if you haven't got POA but you can give the GP info).

There is a dementia support line where you can talk to someone.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
 

Pantherapaws

Registered User
May 12, 2022
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Also.. how on earth do I get him to see the doctor.. this is a real problem because generally all his life he has avoided going to see GPs, dentists etc unless something has been seriously wrong. The last time he went was for Covid jabs, but other than that, he never goes to the surgery (thankfully his physical health is very good). I feel that he is scared, scared of losing control, of having a disease like dementia especially as he knows what has happened to my ex-mother-in-law. He is incredibly stubborn and refuses to listen to reason, it's always been his way or no way.