Hello... I'm new here and want to provide a longer intro thread to our situation with Dad, but I'm just dealing with current issues as they happen.
Last year my father offered to help us my husband and I with a gift deposit for a house purchase, my 'inheritance' as he called it. Not a great amount but enough to help us purchase a modest 2-3 bed end terrace. Our plan has always been that this house will not only provide us a home (we've been renting for the past 13 years), but more importantly, also for Dad when he feels he wants support as he gets older (he's 80 in August and has lived independently since becoming a widower 22 years ago). Last year we found a suitable house, we were asked to provide proof and source of funds etc., unfortunately we lost the house because Dad sent his cheque to the wrong post code, and turned up a month later, and he had also missed a few zeros off the cheque! (These were a few more red flags that things were starting to appear not all well with Dad during this particular year.) We have since found another house, and are just a couple of months away from completion. Solicitor asked us to provide proof of funds from Dad, for anti-money laundering etc., and the cheque to be deposited in our bank. I explained these requirements to Dad and sent him a letter with bullet points explaining as simply as I could, exactly what he needed to do.. just one or two sentences, together with pre-paid envelope etc. I then had several phone conversations with him over 2-3 days about what he needed to do as he wasn't able to grasp the instructions, and he was just getting more and more confused, but adamant he would get it sorted out. Eventually we had to travel down to Dad's (5 hours away) and go through his documents with him. He was confused about his bank statements, saying he had closed one of his accounts - which he hadn't - and I found paperwork in several different places. Eventually I took what the solicitor required, cheque in hand, certified driving licence and was good to go! I banked the cheque but this was 'returned' yesterday as his signature doesn't entirely match the signature the bank have on file. Dad was very annoyed and disgruntled when I told him, and how ridiculous it all was but we both could understand the bank's cautiousness due to the amount. I suggested Dad phone his bank to advise what he should do to which they said he should go to his local branch to have his signature verified etc. So we spoke at length yesterday about what he needs to do when he goes to his bank today.
So today.. that is what he will be doing, however, in the meantime Dad has called me this morning, asking me again what he needs to do, admitting that he's finding this all very confusing. And I'm feeling absolutely helpless. I did speak with his bank's customer centre just to ask if the cheque will be represented or if Dad can write a new one but no, he needs to update his signature mandate which could take a couple of weeks, or easiest, Dad can ask them to make a CHAPS transfer today to my account. So I've tried my best to explain this all to Dad.. asked him to make notes and take this with him, with some ID etc., but I'm incredibly nervous about this that Dad's going to be able to manage this, and also feeling upset because Dad's under this pressure and I can't do anything to help him as I don't have the authority, and have my solicitor asking about the deposit! I'm nervous for Dad if the bank can sense he may be confused.. I'm stressed about my poor Dad having to do all this by himself because I'm so far away and I'm extremely anxious about possibly losing the house purchase if this issue with the deposit is going to cause significant delays. And I certainly don't want to start mentioning to anyone that my father 'is getting confused'!
We've talked with Dad so many times about him living with us but he's always been so adamant, and I totally understand, about remaining where he is, but it's becoming increasingly apparent to both myself and my husband that it would be better for Dad to live with us so that we can take care of him and his needs, especially getting older. He will disagree but being 5 hours away, we can't continue to manage things like this on a permanent basis. This house purchase is vital and an absolute priority. I'm anxiously expecting to receive another call from Dad later today asking 'What do I need to do?' or that he went to the bank but got too confused and nothing's been done!
I've today mentioned to him that perhaps it's time we looked at PoA and to my surprise, Dad has agreed. I've explained that I can't take care of anything for him if I don't have authority. (He's got council tax outstanding, car should have been taxed a week ago... I remind him daily but he wants to deal with this.)
Hope someone can relate with the sensitive financial issue we're currently undergoing today - if all else fails, I'll have to go down to Dad's and sort this out with him in person rather than on the phone and maybe make an appointment with his bank to become a 'third party' on his account. I don't want the bank to suspect Dad may have a mental health issue - how do organisations view and deal with customers who might have the start of dementia??? It's all new territory for me. And currently, Dad is refusing point blank to see his GP because 'Nothing wrong with my memory!!'. It makes me very sad.. he always been so astute, a great businessman, brilliant mathematician, alpha male type and to see/hear him now, my heart breaks.
Thank you for listening.
Last year my father offered to help us my husband and I with a gift deposit for a house purchase, my 'inheritance' as he called it. Not a great amount but enough to help us purchase a modest 2-3 bed end terrace. Our plan has always been that this house will not only provide us a home (we've been renting for the past 13 years), but more importantly, also for Dad when he feels he wants support as he gets older (he's 80 in August and has lived independently since becoming a widower 22 years ago). Last year we found a suitable house, we were asked to provide proof and source of funds etc., unfortunately we lost the house because Dad sent his cheque to the wrong post code, and turned up a month later, and he had also missed a few zeros off the cheque! (These were a few more red flags that things were starting to appear not all well with Dad during this particular year.) We have since found another house, and are just a couple of months away from completion. Solicitor asked us to provide proof of funds from Dad, for anti-money laundering etc., and the cheque to be deposited in our bank. I explained these requirements to Dad and sent him a letter with bullet points explaining as simply as I could, exactly what he needed to do.. just one or two sentences, together with pre-paid envelope etc. I then had several phone conversations with him over 2-3 days about what he needed to do as he wasn't able to grasp the instructions, and he was just getting more and more confused, but adamant he would get it sorted out. Eventually we had to travel down to Dad's (5 hours away) and go through his documents with him. He was confused about his bank statements, saying he had closed one of his accounts - which he hadn't - and I found paperwork in several different places. Eventually I took what the solicitor required, cheque in hand, certified driving licence and was good to go! I banked the cheque but this was 'returned' yesterday as his signature doesn't entirely match the signature the bank have on file. Dad was very annoyed and disgruntled when I told him, and how ridiculous it all was but we both could understand the bank's cautiousness due to the amount. I suggested Dad phone his bank to advise what he should do to which they said he should go to his local branch to have his signature verified etc. So we spoke at length yesterday about what he needs to do when he goes to his bank today.
So today.. that is what he will be doing, however, in the meantime Dad has called me this morning, asking me again what he needs to do, admitting that he's finding this all very confusing. And I'm feeling absolutely helpless. I did speak with his bank's customer centre just to ask if the cheque will be represented or if Dad can write a new one but no, he needs to update his signature mandate which could take a couple of weeks, or easiest, Dad can ask them to make a CHAPS transfer today to my account. So I've tried my best to explain this all to Dad.. asked him to make notes and take this with him, with some ID etc., but I'm incredibly nervous about this that Dad's going to be able to manage this, and also feeling upset because Dad's under this pressure and I can't do anything to help him as I don't have the authority, and have my solicitor asking about the deposit! I'm nervous for Dad if the bank can sense he may be confused.. I'm stressed about my poor Dad having to do all this by himself because I'm so far away and I'm extremely anxious about possibly losing the house purchase if this issue with the deposit is going to cause significant delays. And I certainly don't want to start mentioning to anyone that my father 'is getting confused'!
We've talked with Dad so many times about him living with us but he's always been so adamant, and I totally understand, about remaining where he is, but it's becoming increasingly apparent to both myself and my husband that it would be better for Dad to live with us so that we can take care of him and his needs, especially getting older. He will disagree but being 5 hours away, we can't continue to manage things like this on a permanent basis. This house purchase is vital and an absolute priority. I'm anxiously expecting to receive another call from Dad later today asking 'What do I need to do?' or that he went to the bank but got too confused and nothing's been done!
I've today mentioned to him that perhaps it's time we looked at PoA and to my surprise, Dad has agreed. I've explained that I can't take care of anything for him if I don't have authority. (He's got council tax outstanding, car should have been taxed a week ago... I remind him daily but he wants to deal with this.)
Hope someone can relate with the sensitive financial issue we're currently undergoing today - if all else fails, I'll have to go down to Dad's and sort this out with him in person rather than on the phone and maybe make an appointment with his bank to become a 'third party' on his account. I don't want the bank to suspect Dad may have a mental health issue - how do organisations view and deal with customers who might have the start of dementia??? It's all new territory for me. And currently, Dad is refusing point blank to see his GP because 'Nothing wrong with my memory!!'. It makes me very sad.. he always been so astute, a great businessman, brilliant mathematician, alpha male type and to see/hear him now, my heart breaks.
Thank you for listening.