Dads club membership may be cancelled !

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Linbrusco, Jan 14, 2020 at 6:40 PM.

  1. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    I care for Dad 82 who lives behind me. He has mild mixed dementia. My Mum is already in care with end stage Alzheimers.

    Dad has been a member of a local sports club for past 10 yrs.
    As a rule he only goes once a week. He goes for a couple of drinks, raffles and to socialise, but also plays poker machines.

    When his dementia came apparent and especially when Mum went into care 3.5yrs ago,
    just over a year ago I had a meeting with the club manager.
    Dads usual 3-4hr stay was turning into 7-8hrs ( he goes on my day of work) he was coming home a bit worse for wear also.
    If he had won money, he was going there every day until his money was spent.
    His record was 14 days out of 18 straight.

    Manager agreed that her and staff would to the best of their abilities, refuse to serve him after a few drinks and if he was still there after 4 hrs or on poker machines to move him on home.

    Since well before Christmas, this arrangement has been lax.
    Dad staying at his club late on occasion. He always gets a taxi home by 5pm.
    Last night, after getting home, Dad was still not home.
    By 7pm, I went looking for him. He had been there 8 hrs.

    Long story short, Doorman was not aware of arrangement with Club Management, and was not happy that Dad had been there 8 hrs. 82 yrs on his own, drinking, best guest he had nothing to eat plus dementia.
    He filled out an incident report and was going to see the Club Manager today, recommending Dads membership be cancelled as he was an at Risk person, plus any future repercussions could result in their club licence being revoked.

    I truly get his point.
    but its Dads only socialisation, he point blank refuses anything else.
    We cant stop him from going and there is no one that can go with him. He would not change his usual Tuesday for anything.
    My sister is adamant that its the clubs fault and they should enforce the arrangement that the club Manager decided.

    I know the time is coming that he wont be able to attend, but I would rather it not be from his membership being cancelled.
    I have visions of him still going up on his Tuesday causing a scene to get in,

    Thoughts please.
  2. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    North West
    Hello @Linbrusco

    Its hard knowing where to draw the line on these things, but your dad seems to be going outside of what he would normally do. The other thing is that alcohol in excess and dementia really don't mix very well. I don't know what the laws are in the sale and consumption of alcohol and gambling on premises in NZ. But in the UK the manager has the right to refuse if they feel that they should.

    The only thing I can think of is if you collaborate with the club and come up with a solution that would help your dad enjoy his usual past time but keep him safe from going too far. The other problem here is that the club your dad goes to have to think about the licence they hold as well. Knowing someone as a customer does not forefit any action if this all went wrong. How about an agreement to encourage him to leave at an agreed time and if there are problems they report back to you and then you re-think this. It may be that his dementia is beginning to progress or he's getting to dependent on one source of stimulation. Its a tough one to crack given the situation.
  3. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    I am not sure that its down to the club to keep hiim safe and monitor his drinking really.

    I dont suppose they want to deal with the repercussions of either dad drinking or something happening to him

    I think the decision to cancel his membership rests with them and may not be negociable
  4. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    Perhaps have a word and see if they would agree to serving him a shandy or even try him with a low alcohol beer. I agree it would be a shame if he was not allowed to keep going.

    Dad has a tot of whisky every night and I have started to put water in it, he hasn't noticed.
  5. Tragicuglyducky

    Tragicuglyducky Registered User

    Apr 4, 2016
    What do you envisage the other ways that your dad might eventually not be able to attend? I can only think of bad ways... as another poster has said, it’s not really the clubs responsibility to keep a watch on your dad. They’re not paid to do this, the staff aren’t really trained to do this and they also risk their business. And I can’t imagine excessive drinking is going to do his dementia any good. I know you’re between a rock and a hard place. Do you protect his physical well-being or mental well-being? If not going to the club is out of the question then how about employing a buddy or PA to go with him?
  6. sausagedog

    sausagedog Registered User

    Aug 22, 2019
    Mmmm a difficult situation but at the end of the day, there are safeguarding issues for your dad & the club cannot be held responsible for your dad who it appears would be considered ‘at risk’. As someone suggests, if your dad could be accompanied on his visits I think this would be the only option available

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