Dad

[Dave Hammond]

Hello - we as a family are reaching the end of the road in terms of how we deal with Dad !
he has vascular dementia is 88 years old but in reasonable physical shape
he lives at home with Mum ( 84 ) and her health is declining as a result of trying her best to look after Dad
he is now in late stages and is very demanding now - almost daily he leaves the house to go to his place of birth where he fully believes his mum lives ( died in 1969 ! )
he does not always accept mum is his wife and my brother myself and our daughters often are strangers to him
he has this week started to become aggressive
we think we will need emergency care for him very soon as we struggle to deal with him appropriately
CAN ANYONE suggest next steps
SS are aware of him but seem more interested in the financial wellbeing of Dad
can we get them to act ?
any advise please

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Dave Hammond and welcome to Dementia Support Forum our friendly and helpful community of members who have experience of many aspects of dementia. I am sorry to hear about your Dad. It sounds as though he may have reached the point where a team of professional carers may be required to meet his needs and keep him - and those close to him - safe and cated for. This might be achievable in the domestic setting but perhaps, more realistically, indicates that a care home is required.

 

[sdmhred]

Hi Dave

This is a horrid time for you and the whole family. The key is the funding situation sadly. If your Dad has more than 23K in savings and assets (exempting the house if your mum is there) the onus is I am afraid on you to find a care home for him yourselves. Start looking around and asking them to come and assess your Dad. If he is becoming aggressive I suggest you look for a specialist dementia home rather than a general home that accepts dementia amongst others.

If he has less than that you need to hassle SS big time. Phone / email very often citing concerns - especially any aggression - if it is towards your mum call the police, cite that another elderly vulnerable adult is at risk. I am so sorry this is the only way.

I had To put mum in a home in October due to failing mobility - but quite quickly. It’s such a stressful time. I called the Admiral Nurse helpline - just for someone sympathetic to speak to which helped.

Keep posting here if it helps.

 

[Purple retriever]

Hello - we as a family are reaching the end of the road in terms of how we deal with Dad !
he has vascular dementia is 88 years old but in reasonable physical shape
he lives at home with Mum ( 84 ) and her health is declining as a result of trying her best to look after Dad
he is now in late stages and is very demanding now - almost daily he leaves the house to go to his place of birth where he fully believes his mum lives ( died in 1969 ! )
he does not always accept mum is his wife and my brother myself and our daughters often are strangers to him
he has this week started to become aggressive
we think we will need emergency care for him very soon as we struggle to deal with him appropriately
CAN ANYONE suggest next steps
SS are aware of him but seem more interested in the financial wellbeing of Dad
can we get them to act ?
any advise please

Hello - we as a family are reaching the end of the road in terms of how we deal with Dad !
he has vascular dementia is 88 years old but in reasonable physical shape
he lives at home with Mum ( 84 ) and her health is declining as a result of trying her best to look after Dad
he is now in late stages and is very demanding now - almost daily he leaves the house to go to his place of birth where he fully believes his mum lives ( died in 1969 ! )
he does not always accept mum is his wife and my brother myself and our daughters often are strangers to him
he has this week started to become aggressive
we think we will need emergency care for him very soon as we struggle to deal with him appropriately
CAN ANYONE suggest next steps
SS are aware of him but seem more interested in the financial wellbeing of Dad
can we get them to act ?
any advise please

Hi Dave I’m really sorry to hear about your dad and I’m actually my uncle’s Deputy under the Court of Protection for Property and Financial Affairs and Health and Personal Welfare and my uncle Tony has moderate learning disabilities and dementia and I was his primary carer until his needs were more demanding and I’ve got a lot of my own health problems and we did have respite care but as he had the finances he was able to fund it. But it is a minefield and surely yourselves as a family and your dad should be under The Dementia Care Pathway, where his care and needs are looked at Annually and if like you’ve explained his needs and level of care has increased then, not only should his social worker but the consultant that diagnosed your dad’s dementia and/or dementia specialist nurses should be involved with the social worker or duty social worker. I know that Social Services are so interested in their financial situation as I had the same with my uncle in having to complete a Financial Assessment to see how much Tony had and what benefits etc just so they can work out how much he’d have to pay towards his care - hence this was after we found somewhere suitable. That’s why having the Deputyship Order for Property and Financial Affairs, we had the overall say on which residential care home he went into and the social worker’s couldn’t dictate that he went into this one or one that was miles away.

 

[canary]

Hello @Dave Hammond

I would start looking at, and talking to, care homes now, so that you know what is out there and where you would want him to go in case there is a sudden emergency. When you are talking to them about whether they would accept your dad be brutally honest about what your dad is like, tell them about the aggression and also ask them what sort of behaviour they would not accept. I would agree with admhred

If he is becoming aggressive I suggest you look for a specialist dementia home rather than a general home that accepts dementia amongst others.

If he has less than that you need to hassle SS big time. Phone / email very often citing concerns - especially any aggression - if it is towards your mum call the police, cite that another elderly vulnerable adult is at risk. I am so sorry this is the only way.

I would also suggest that you get back to your doctor and tell them about the aggression as there is medication that can reduce this.