Dad talks to carers but not my mum

[FionaB2023]

My dad has had carers for the last two weeks following a fall and hospital admission.

His communication is generally quite limited but we are seeing flashes of when he's happy to talk. My mum has been home alone with him for a couple of days, she has noticed that his communication is decreasing but when the carers come in he always manages chat with them. This is really getting her down, she is frustrated that he talks to them and not her.

As a family we are trying to be there as much as possible but it's not easy. My mum is not the type to join a support group etc so we are at a bit of a loss as to what to do other than to be there when we can and to get her out of the house for a break.

advice appreciated,

thank you

 

[canary]

Hello @FionaB2023

My OH is losing language too and says very little during the day. He only speaks in answer to questions or if there is something he really wants to know and even then he will often use gestures instead. When the carers come, though, he will say more to them in the time they are there than he does during the whole of the rest of the day - especially if they are new!!

This is actually a phenomenon known to all carers of someone with dementia, called on here "Host mode". This is when people with dementia can supress their dementia symptoms when meeting doctors, other health professionals, authority figures and people they dont see very often. They cant do it for long as it takes a lot of effort, but just long enough to convince that person that there is very little wrong with them, and for their carer to wonder why they can do it or other people but not them

 

[FionaB2023]

Hello @FionaB2023

My OH is losing language too and says very little during the day. He only speaks in answer to questions or if there is something he really wants to know and even then he will often use gestures instead. When the carers come, though, he will say more to them in the time they are there than he does during the whole of the rest of the day - especially if they are new!!

This is actually a phenomenon known to all carers of someone with dementia, called on here "Host mode". This is when people with dementia can supress their dementia symptoms when meeting doctors, other health professionals, authority figures and people they dont see very often. They cant do it for long as it takes a lot of effort, but just long enough to convince that person that there is very little wrong with them, and for their carer to wonder why they can do it or other people but not them

oh thank you, that insight is so helpful. I hadn't come across 'host mode" before.