Dad keeps trying to escape from care home

[Care_daughter]

Hello everybody. For some reason, my old profile is not working so I had to create a new one. I really apreciate your support and advice for those who wrote me in the past. They were of great comfort.

So, finally the suffering is half over of dad living alone at home, with two carers, wandering, wanting to go out through the windows, went missing, me running from far where I live to assist, bringing over his groceries, medicines, etc, since he is in a care home for almost 3 months now.

Positive things: he is finally eating balanced meals, he is no longer drinking colas, he is having baths everyday so his personal care is well taken care of, his medicines are controlled, etc. The staff is very friendly and patient. They are already fond of him and all consider him a gentleman (he is not agressive and he still preserves being a gentleman).

Negative and sad things: As soon as he opens his eyes every morning, he wants to leave the house. He keeps searching for keys, asks every single person in the home to open the doors for him. He is still eating by himself on a separate table from the others. He hardly speaks or interacts with them. He says they are "old people" and is not interested in them. He keeps taking chairs or pots as base to climb up the walls. We had to hire a personal carer to watch him every time, since the CH personnel are taking care of several at the same time.

The home allowed us for him to keep his cell phone, so I call him every day, and visit three times a week. The conversation is always the same: "take me out of here, I want to go home, how did I end up here?, I don't understand what you are telling me because my mind is sick, I will pay anybody who has a car to take me out of here and drive me home, this place is boring, the people are 'weird'". Meanwhile, my mom is cleaning the house, hoping to rent it (if not selling it, which I really hope she will not!) and selling, donating and giving away old stuff. Even his clothes. Such heartbreaking to see. But that is another story...

Anyway, I am sure there are many of you who are or were in the same situation and how are you handling it? What to tell him? I keep telling him this is a better home, with better people, that he is no longer alone, that the street is dangerous and they want to keep him safe. Other days, I just play along... "yeah, a car will come soon"

One of my brothers (yes, they finally started to be involved...!) went to visit him last Sunday, when dad was precisely taking a walk in the garage. It did not matter to him not recognizing my brother, but he wanted to jump in the car and leave with him. My brother did so, so he took him for a ride saying he did not know where his house was at, but will try searching for it. They stopped twice but dad did not move. He stayed in the car at all times, asking to take him home. He did not noticed when he was returned to the CH until he was walking through the halls. Next day, he was happy telling everybody he finally left for a while, but did not know how he ended up there again.

The CH manager tells me to try to take him out more. My fear is that if I do that (I am the only family member he still recognizes!) I will no longer be able to visit him, because he will always would like for me to take him in my car. My plan was for my brothers to take him out and I will meet them some place. Could that be my home? A park? A familiar place or a whole new one?

Thanks for reading and sorry for the lenght of the message. I was catching up, as well.

 

[starryuk]

The CH manager tells me to try to take him out more. My fear is that if I do that (I am the only family member he still recognizes!) I will no longer be able to visit him, because he will always would like for me to take him in my car. My plan was for my brothers to take him out and I will meet them some place. Could that be my home? A park? A familiar place or a whole new one?

Hi,

I was worried about the same thing with my mum. But it has worked out fine. Mum enjoys going out in the car very much, but by the next day/visit has forgotten that she went. So, she doesn't expect to go again. I am too scared to bring my mum to my house in case she thinks she is there for good! I do take her to my daughters' homes for a cup of tea as then we are acting as visitors. Think it might be a bit confusing for your dad if you suddenly appear as if by magic in the park etc. (Just my thought;I haven't tried it!)

Let us know how you get on though...
xx

 

[FifiMo]

Sometimes just getting his wish of being out in the car will be enough. Maybe stop off at a beauty spot and have a dink and a packet of biscuits with you. If you're worried about him trying to get out of the car then put him in the back with the child locks on.

We found local garden centres the best place to go. Big enough for him to get a bit of a walk then a cuppa and a piece of cake. Then off in the car again.

I wouldn't stay out too long either as it can be quite tiring for him to cope with unfamiliar places etc. I know you are reluctant but it is an opportunity to spend time with your dad and for him to feel 'normal' again. It doesn't last and there will come a point when the trips out are no longer ideal.

Fiona

 

[Care_daughter]

Sounds good

Thank you both for your ideas. i still cannot make my mind of the place I am going to take him, but for starters, it will be a short ride and I plan to take his personal carer along or my hubby's help. I don't plan to do this alone.
Dad is only 69 . Still very energetic and self sufficient.
Blessings

 

[supporter1]

It is early days

My dad took about 3 months to stop leaving the home ( he was on a mission and nobody could disuade him so one of the carer's would follow him and then they would bring a car and collect him when he got tired. This has all passed now thankfully.

He does still hate the other residence but has struck up a friendship with another lady in the CH. The carer's monitor this as Dad is disinhibited . most of the time they sit and hold hands and talk ( go over the same thing but neither of them realises they have just talked about that and are quite happy )

The Care home also are fab as they do lots of trips and tend to get dad on them. He does not recall the trips out but I understand he enjoys them at the time it does seem to keep a lid on his restlessness.

My sister takes him to her house sometimes and she tells me he just sleeps on a chair in the lounge with her cat on his knee and then goes back to the CH after wards ready for the meals ( thats the reason she gives him for going back and he is fine with that.


You will have to accept the 'I dont like it here ect . comments I think it goes with the territory really and maybe he is different and more settled when family are not there ?( I know dad is ) .

I live with the desire to make it all alright and fix things ( take away the dementia so I have my dad back ) and reality that this is impossible and i need to accept that and walk with dementia instead despite the fact that it means struggling with the fact that I am seeing my dad drifting further and further away from me.

Only last night I had a conversation with a sibling that they had been approached about end of life issues , I know it was a necessary conversation but emotionally it is not a place I want to go just yet ...

I dont know if my rambling help or not but I do hope that you dont feel so alone dealing with this. The reality is that all family members experience the same at some point. Hang in there look out for the good bits when you get that glimps of the person you love, they often appear when you least expect it whether that be something they say or touch of the hand.