dad is getting bad

[cheyelise]

my dad has deteriorated so much in the past few months and i'm finding it SO hard to deal with. i'm afraid that we won't be able to cope with him at home much longer and that he will have to go to a care home soon. i'm only 17, my sister is 14 and as you can imagine this is having a huge impact on every single aspect of our lives. i'm now finding it hard to cope with the stress of everything, including college work (especially as i can do little to no work whilst i'm at home - i can't concentrate), learning to drive etc. i don't really have anyone in my life that i feel i can talk to - apart from my close family of course but when we get a break from everything we don't want to talk about it. I don't want to burden any of my friends, but even if i did, they would have no clue what to say or give me sympathy that i don't want. i just want someone my age to understand.
this disease truly is horrific and unfair

 

[Kevinl]

Sadly, I can only sympathise with you and your position.
When my wife was diagnosed I knew what to expect as I'd done it all with my mum so I took the difficult decision to send our youngest (then nearly 16) to live with his older sister 150 miles away. As he was about to start college we enrolled him in a college up there and he lived with his university student sister, then stayed on to do a degree himself.
In the end I think it was for the best, he did have a whale of a time and to be honest his mum never seemed to notice or question where he had gone, or why so the only loser was me, I really enjoyed doing "dad and lad" things together and I never got to see him grow up properly.
I take it you've been in touch with social services and have asked for an assessment on him and for yourself and your sister as carers to see what help they can offer. You can usually request a "vulnerable adult" and a "carers" assessment on line, don't phone unless you have to and given you and you sisters ages I would expect the social services to see what was available.
K

 

[try again]

It must be hard for you all. My dad had cancer when I was 12 and was poorly until he died when I was 22, so I know a little of what you are feeling. It is awful when you feel isolated and see you peers enjoying themselves with few cares in the world. Hopefully, someone will see this with advice as to who you should speak to as you must speak to some one about this. In my days there was only the Samaritans and tbh, they were not that good. If no one else, speak to your doctor and ask for some counseling or look up the local carers group. Vent on here, as it's a safe place. Hugs to you

 

[cheyelise]

Sadly, I can only sympathise with you and your position.
When my wife was diagnosed I knew what to expect as I'd done it all with my mum so I took the difficult decision to send our youngest (then nearly 16) to live with his older sister 150 miles away. As he was about to start college we enrolled him in a college up there and he lived with his university student sister, then stayed on to do a degree himself.
In the end I think it was for the best, he did have a whale of a time and to be honest his mum never seemed to notice or question where he had gone, or why so the only loser was me, I really enjoyed doing "dad and lad" things together and I never got to see him grow up properly.
I take it you've been in touch with social services and have asked for an assessment on him and for yourself and your sister as carers to see what help they can offer. You can usually request a "vulnerable adult" and a "carers" assessment on line, don't phone unless you have to and given you and you sisters ages I would expect the social services to see what was available.
K

thank you for your reply. yes, we have been in a 'young carers' group but hated the group activities as most of the the only good thing that came out of it was the 1 to 1 chats we had. the person we spoke to has since left the organisation, so we don't have 1 to 1s any more. they also moved me to the 'young adult carers' when i turned 17 so now i don't even have the option for 1 to 1s? not sure how that makes ANY sense as my situation is still at the same, if not worse, level compared to before - but apparently because im now a year older i don't need the support.

 

[cheyelise]

It must be hard for you all. My dad had cancer when I was 12 and was poorly until he died when I was 22, so I know a little of what you are feeling. It is awful when you feel isolated and see you peers enjoying themselves with few cares in the world. Hopefully, someone will see this with advice as to who you should speak to as you must speak to some one about this. In my days there was only the Samaritans and tbh, they were not that good. If no one else, speak to your doctor and ask for some counseling or look up the local carers group. Vent on here, as it's a safe place. Hugs to you

thanks for the reply! if you read my most recent reply it would probably be easier than me typing it all out again! i also attend a local carers group, but as my situation is quite unique, the other people that attend aren't my age group, although it does help to talk and listen to everyone else. i also need to remember to post on here more!

 

[try again]

Do you have any admiral nurses in your area?

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hi @cheyelise is it only you and your sister caring for your dad. What about your mum, is she around. You definitely need to have your dad assessed and a carers assessment for your self.

I agree the situation will probably become intolerable for you and your sister if you don't get outside help very soon. Also there is no shame in your dad going into a care home if you can't cope.

 

[cheyelise]

Do you have any admiral nurses in your area?

im not sure, but if we do my mum has probably reached out to them

 

[cheyelise]

Hi @cheyelise is it only you and your sister caring for your dad. What about your mum, is she around. You definitely need to have your dad assessed and a carers assessment for your self.

I agree the situation will probably become intolerable for you and your sister if you don't get outside help very soon. Also there is no shame in your dad going into a care home if you can't cope.

mum cares for him as well - forgot to mention that in my original post. im not sure if you have read my other replies about all the various carer groups we have attended and 1 to 1s? My dad also now has a carer that comes twice a week for an hour to make sure that he has eaten lunch, but dad it starting to get intolerable towards her. the other day he apparently asked her to go home as he didn't want to speak to anyone.

 

[Duggies-girl]

mum cares for him as well - forgot to mention that in my original post. im not sure if you have read my other replies about all the various carer groups we have attended and 1 to 1s? My dad also now has a carer that comes twice a week for an hour to make sure that he has eaten lunch, but dad it starting to get intolerable towards her. the other day he apparently asked her to go home as he didn't want to speak to anyone.

Ah, that's sad for her. such a shame. Yes I was a bit worried that it was just you two girls looking after your dad because that would be unfair and intolerable for you both.

Ultimately it is up to your mum to take control of the situation but I expect that she is finding it hard herself. Could you and your sister go to friends after school or college on some evenings (just to get a break) or stay with grandparents or cousins for a weekend.

I really feel that young people such as you and your sister need an escape plan at least for part of the week or it will affect your studies and ultimately your whole futures.

Sometimes it is better to just step back and say that you can't do it anymore because breaking point will come at some time and it's better not to get to that point. There is no shame in it. Your dad is only going to get worse sadly and that is difficult enough to come to terms with let alone coping with it at your age.

 

[Cazzita]

Sadly, I can only sympathise with you and your position.
When my wife was diagnosed I knew what to expect as I'd done it all with my mum so I took the difficult decision to send our youngest (then nearly 16) to live with his older sister 150 miles away. As he was about to start college we enrolled him in a college up there and he lived with his university student sister, then stayed on to do a degree himself.
In the end I think it was for the best, he did have a whale of a time and to be honest his mum never seemed to notice or question where he had gone, or why so the only loser was me, I really enjoyed doing "dad and lad" things together and I never got to see him grow up properly.
I take it you've been in touch with social services and have asked for an assessment on him and for yourself and your sister as carers to see what help they can offer. You can usually request a "vulnerable adult" and a "carers" assessment on line, don't phone unless you have to and given you and you sisters ages I would expect the social services to see what was available.
K

Oh @Kevinl , how heartrending for you to miss out on your son! Thankfully, he enjoyed it. You have such an unselfish attitude, you bought a lump to my throat reading it.

@cheyelise - you have been given some sound advice. Hope you get the help and support that you need and vent here if you don't. Best of luck young lady, your time will come to shine soon I hope. xx