Dad forgets mustn’t drive

[Butterfly-Blue]

My Dad had always driven. He was a motor mechanic all his working life and loves the freedom of just being able to hop in his car and go out. They only went to the shop or 15 miles or so to the beach for a stroll and an ice cream. He has not driven for about 6 months due to an eye operation although we had to keep reminding him he could not drive due to this. He starts his car every few days to keep it running although it’s out of petrol now. The doctor who gave the diagnosis stated not to drive. My dad had forgotten about the diagnosis/appointment by the next day. Car has already been sorn and MOT run out, insurance was due for renewal. We discussed cancelling the insurance a few times and each time he was so upset about not being able to drive. We have now cancelled it but Dad received a letter to confirm this and was upset all over again. He has called the insurance company who referred him to me. Each time he thinks of it we have to remind him that he mustn’t drive and it upsets him all over again. We discuss that he hasn’t driven for 6 months and been ok and we will take them out and drive them any they need to go. We are thinking he will forget about it shortly as we don’t want to keep reminding him. We have discussed about other family members who have given up driving as well. Is it best to remove the letter as he will maybe think about it and look for it if he remembers or should we just keep reminding him when he asks about it which seems cruel. He’s quite achy and tired and we try to get him to go out with us but he says he don’t feel up to it. Mum is a bit forgetful too, they are both in their eighties, so she probably doesn’t have the answers when he’s asking her about it. We don’t want to write it down for this reason as we don’t want Mum to have to cope with Dad upset.

 

[Lawson58]

Welcome to Talking Point and I think you will get some good advice from others soon.

I just wanted to make the comment that not being able to drive is more a constant reminder of the loss of independence. This is true not just for people who have dementia but who have other problems such as low vision or who suffer a life changing accident for example.

When people have been independent for most of their lives, it is really difficult to adjust to having to rely on others or to even ask for help. I am 79 years old and care for my husband and I know how I would feel if I were not able to drive or get out and about whenever I wanted.

It is such a difficult situation for you and I hope you get some more help than I can offer soon.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Welcome to Talking Point @Butterfly-Blue. This is such a familiar issue for families when a loved one has been told that they can no longer drive. Even now after two years my husband still occasionally asks why he cannot drive. What I did find was that once we sold the car (with my husbands agreement) he was more settled however that might not work for everyone.
If you can remove all letters and documents regarding the car, insurance etc so that your dad cannot see them on a regular basis. Then if you dad raises the issue again all you can do is gently remind your dad that he is no longer able to drive and blame the doctors/DVLA for the decision.
I hope that this helps a little.

 

[Jessbow]

Can you not remove the cr under some pretext? Take it for an Mot- (although you'd have to do it on a trailer)
And notreturn it - sell itor store it? would would you mum think to that idea ?

 

[Butterfly-Blue]

Thanks for your responses. My Dad seems to have forgotten about the car/insurance mostly now. We have put the insurance letter out of the way. Removing the car is a big step as my Dad will go to the garage and check it and would have a shock if not there. Something to think about in the future.