dad didn't want us there

[bluejag69]

We went in yesterday, me and mum, dad was in the lounge slumped in a chair, nearly on the floor, half an eye open, food down a top that wasn't his. Every time we sat him up he slid down again. Think on purpose! He looked like a drunk person. He's on a tiny amount of sedative to try and get him to eat cos he was spitting everythin out including meds, but the nurse said it would've worn off by the time we were there, but that's exactly how he looked,drugged up! Mum was touching his arm but he kept trying to move his arm away. Then he started shouting slurred words, ' leave me alone, bloody hell will you leave me alone. I'm going to hit someone in a minute. ****** off ( that's was my favourite!).' Oh and ' I've farted!' A word I've never heard him say. We stayed a while, then I said let's go to mum cos clearly didn't want us there ( think the ****** off gave it away). I said to him, do you want us to go, and clear as you like he said 'yes, goodbye!'

He walked in that home the monday before xmas, now he can't walk, he can't speak very well, can't open his eyes very well,isn't eating or drinkin, is spitting out his meds, is wearing pads and is skin and bone. I know he would've gone like this at home because he deteriorated so quickly, almost daily ,over the last 6 weeks,since he had a chest infection. Scary how fast its happened, but now I just want it to end for him, he's so unhappy.

My dilemma is , I want to visit him but going by yesterdays visit he doesnt want to see us, he wasn't like that with my bro who went in the day before. Maybe somewhere he remembers me and mum took him to the home and left him there. I'm goin on tuesday and I'll see what he's like with me then. He has always been mr grumpy and a bit miserable, but did turn lovey dovey a couple of months ago and was always telling me and mum he loved us, that passed.

J xxx

 

[keywest67]

Hi Bluejag69

So sorry to hear of your difficult visit, I can only tell you of my own experiences with my Dad, there were times I saw him crawling along the floor smoking imaginary cigarettes, one time he thought he would walk through closed doors (bizarre), other times he looked totally out of it, drooling, unresponsive, after one such visit that I didn't attend mum was so heartbroken she was convinced he was at deaths door, she absolutely broke her heart.......the following day I went to see him fearing the worst and he was dressed clean, smiling and talked to us and ate a cream cake.........it's the unpredictable way the disease is, you never know what to expect.
My Dads decline was rapid, from Diagnosis following a mild heart attack it was 3 years, he passed away 24th Nov 14 and we went through a ruler coaster ride with him.
Hopefully your Dads grumpy go away mood is either just a bad day or a phase that will quickly pass. L x

 

[jaymor]

I feel very much for you. Back in June my husband had a chest infection that changed his life forever. He has had many chest infections and pneumonia but always come through them, maybe not returning to how he was but nearly.

This last one left him bed bound for nearly three months and he is now non weight bearing, needs pulverised food and thickened drinks and has to be fed by his carer. He has never sworn in my presence in 48 years of marriage and now though his speech in incomprehensible he swears very clearly and has told me where to go on many occasions. He has not known me as his wife for 4 years but has always been comfortable and trusting of me. Now I get the evil eye quite a lot and he has not been that gentle with me when I have been helping him.

My husband is now entering the 10 th year post diagnosis and obviously is starting to progress with a little more speed and infections will take more from him each time.

I know that my husband would be mortified if he realised what he was doing but dementia is now in control not my husband. He can smile at me, put his arm around me and then look into my eyes and tell me where to go and question my parentage. I have to smile but if I am honest it does hurt even though it is not my husband behaving like this.

Keep going, don't give up as bad as your Dad is acting I am sure he needs you, he just can't show it. It is hard, nothing about dementia is easy.

Take care,

Jay

 

[Gigglemore]

Bluejag - I do hope you have a better visit next time. It does occur to me that you can't know what might have happened before your visit to upset your Dad - he might have been having a really bad day and have been upset by personal care etc even before you arrived, and you and your poor Mum just suffered the fall out.

Jaymor - how brave you are to try to keep smiling despite what this horrible disease is doing to your husband. Watching his physical decline must have been painful enough without the misery of feeling he wants to upset you. I am so often astounded by the strength of those who have cared for loved ones with this disease for many years. I do hope things change for you in 2015 and that the hurtful looks and comments stop soon. Take care.

 

[TinaT]

Perhaps it would set your mind at rest somewhat if you made an appointment with his doctor and asked about the medication he is on. Sometimes a change of medication greatly helps. The doctor may be able to adjust the dosage to a better level to suit your dad's condition.

It might also be a good idea to visit the care home and just sit and watch how staff react when dealing with difficult residents. Some staff are better at handling difficult patients and seem to manage them without causing great upset or distress whilst other staff do not seem to understand how to cope with difficult situations in the best way.

xxTinaT