Count down to D Day. Mum comes HOME after four months in nursing home

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Kerryblue, Jun 29, 2016.

  1. Kerryblue

    Kerryblue Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015
    42
    Here we go again. I know we are on a path and I can't get off it. I am just eaten up with worry.

    Mum is due home Saturday week. Carer moves into her house a week today. Brother who has arranged all this has left the country for a month.

    Saw mum yesterday. Had to leave as she got so angry when I gently explained she would have someone to help her there when she gets home as she can't manage on her own.

    She said " I don't need anyone. I am perfectly alright. I do everything for myself. Bla bla bla".

    Saw daughter last night. She now is regretting agreeing to be the one who picks mum up,and brings her home. Godmother rang me yesterday after a visit to mum. She also,said mum was not agreeing to having live in help. It has been explained to,her its home with live in care or stay put. Of course she retains nothing except her fury and stubbornness. She can't remember she has done nothing for herself for 2 years.

    If William Hill took bets I give it four days. Maybe two before carer throws in the towel.
    So next week it's down to me to meet carer let her in give her keys. Get place cleaned.

    To be honest I am seething. That is putting it lightly. The stress is eating me up. I want to keep out of it. I am in a way as I refused to,take mum out of home so brother arranged for my 26 year old daughter to collect her.

    She will come home to find a strange woman in her house.

    Since I last wrote I am back on crutches due to broken leg caused by steroid damage. Now in a brace. Still working full time. Awaiting more test results but right now want to scream. My psychologist who is treating me for post traumatic medical stress says I have to keep out of it. My daughter says I am being unfair to her although I made my feelings really clear at the time. I begged my brother to change his mind. I begged him to hang on until,he was back in the country.

    Deaf ears. So here's we go. Lalalalalalalalallalalalalalalaallaal. Oh what to do. I think the answer is do my little bit to help poor carer then sit back and wait for the fireworks.

    By the way home know how I feel and agree mum is more confused by the day. She hasn't a clue what is going on. Her short term memory is zilch and you cannot reason with her.

    Carer is 24 / 7. What a joke. With a friend who will cover her holidays. I don't agree with that either. Arghhhhhhhh
     
  2. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,815
    UK
    My god, one carer 24/7 any time off!!! Take it this carer has experience and done all this before. Wonder what your brother was thinking, could it have something to do with the date the carer wanted to start?

    One thing may happen though and that could be your mum will be nice as pie to carer and only complain about her to you! Good luck to you and your daughter.
     
  3. Trini

    Trini Registered User

    Dec 7, 2015
    39
    i had a similar experience. When MIL came out of hospital after three months the family decided on 24 hour live in care. Not my choice. I would have gone the CH route. Obviously she said she did not need any help as she does everything herself! The carer we have is fantastic. MIL looks bad tempered at times with the carer but she just gets on with it. When carer was not there we asked if she liked her and she said she did not know as she had never met her! Be aware 24 hour care is actually 22 hour care as they should get a 2 hour break every day. I tried to stress this before it went ahead so family would plan for the break with another carer going in. Didn't listen to me though so SIL tries to cover it and then complains about it. I have stepped back and do not get involved anymore apart from doing bits of shopping. I recommend you do the same. When it all goes pear shaped let them sort it out. Agencies usually insist that 24 hour carers do shifts eg 4 weeks on, 2 weeks off so they need to plan a rota of carers. My in laws have not done this as that would involve forward planning and they only believe in crisis management!
     
  4. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,592
    Yorkshire
    I would step back from the hands-on stuff but would also be quietly doing my research on tracking down a suitable CH - maybe even putting her name on the waiting list - so if/when it all goes pear-shaped, you can provide them with Plan B.

    Wait, watch and be prepared.
     
  5. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,304
    Nottinghamshire
    What like to know is why your brother gets to make the decisions when he's not even here to pick up the pieces. What is he thinking? How dare he!! I feel so angry on you behalf!!

    I hope it all goes well for you and your mum. Maybe it'll be one of those 50,000/1 wins (like Leicester city winning the cup)
     
  6. arielsmelody

    arielsmelody Registered User

    Jul 16, 2015
    515
    If you have one carer working 24/7, just with a friend to cover holidays, I'm afraid that's quite probably not legally allowed because of the Working Time Regulations. Who is dealing with the employment side of things? Has your brother registered as her employer and organised the payroll etc? I hope he's not expecting to just pay her cash in hand. Hopefully he's got it all properly organised, but on the face of it, it doesn't sound as if he's thought it all through.
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,777
    Female
    South coast
    I think sitting back and waiting for the fireworks is the best plan.
    You may have to contact Social Services for an emergency placement if it all goes horribly wrong. If you do that it will take the pressure off you and SS will know that she cant live at home, so you can refer your brother to them when he comes home.
     
  8. SEASHELL

    SEASHELL Account on hold

    Sep 2, 2009
    82
    My mother's been stuck for over 2 and a half years in an assessment centre. Locked up like a prisoner for 24hrs a day (which I'm disgusted at). I'd love for my mother to have something like this.

    How did you arrange it?
     
  9. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,777
    Female
    South coast
    Seashell - its not a viable solution. I think we are all expecting it to go very wrong, very quickly
     
  10. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,592
    Yorkshire
    And presumably Kerryblue's mum (via her son) is funding it herself.
     
  11. Kerryblue

    Kerryblue Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015
    42
    Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment. I do appreciate it.
    I'm afraid I don't hold out much hope of it working out to be honest. Only because my mum is much more badly behaved on her own terrortory.

    I hope I am wrong. Visited mum tonight. She still says she is fine to look after hersel and certainly doesn't need anyone or any help.

    My mum is also very good at HOSTESS behaviour where she is now. At home this goes out of the window. So all I can do is greet the carer on Wednesday night. I feel like I am lighting a fuse and running away. Hang on. I didn't do that. My brother did.

    Yes my mum is fortunate to be able to self fund. I still give the new carer 4 days max. This has me in knots. I just want her to be happy but I must accept that is unlikely where ever she ends up. Thank you everyone. Xx
     
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,777
    Female
    South coast
    Hang on to that thought. None of this is your fault.

    PS - could someone have a word with the CH and see if they would be prepared to keep her room for a few days in case she has to go back quickly?
     
  13. Kerryblue

    Kerryblue Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015
    42
    nerves and stressing fear of unknown when mum comes home

    Continuing to bore you all sorry. Tired and stressed. Met new carer for mum today and saw her into the house. She has suggested going to see mum but she doesn't know the area.
    I have now offered to take her to the care home to meet mum and talk to the nurses about her care.

    I'm still frightened by what the homecoming will bring. Will mum throw new carer out. As I am the BADDIE is it a mistake for me to introduce carer to mum in the home?

    I was going to keep out of it all but I feel sorry for carer. How will she cope?

    Have found out she has been told it's fine to leave mum for up to three hours a day. NO!!!!! Mum can't be left. Feel selfish and pessimistic but who am I to deny my mum of being in her own home. Will she even remember it? Three and a half months is a long time away in Dementia land. What do I know?

    Screaming silently. Wanting it to work but sick with nerves. HATING with a passion this wicked evil robbing disease.

    Wish I could run away
     
  14. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    1,947
    Ireland
    I assume that it was your dear brother who told her that?!
    I do hope that your brother is going to be the carer's first point of contact if there's a problem, not you.
    Fingers crossed that it works out. I can understand how worried you must be. Expect the worst but hope for the best, as they say.
     
  15. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,309
    Female
    Chester
    I think you should let the carer get a taxi to the care home and speak to the staff on her own.

    Your brother made this decision and however awful it is, the more you help, the more you will end up helping, which you really don't want to do.

    I know it is hard but you are going to have to stand back until the crisis happens, and hope you can find a bed for her quickly when it does.
     
  16. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    1,947
    Ireland
    Is it today your Mum comes home?
    Hoping it all goes ok for you x
     
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,777
    Female
    South coast
    Yes, I was thinking that too.
    (((((hugs)))))
     

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