1. timthumb

    timthumb Registered User

    Dec 6, 2009
    283
    west sussex
    dad is in hospital and i am hoping for him to come home soon...........i feel like i want to be there for him but dont know if i could cope...........5 weeks ago he was fairly independent but since being in hospital after some psycoticepisodes he has gone downhill re mobility and continence.i want to say that if i get him home i could work on his mobility and maybe his continence as he used to go to the toilet less than me such a short time ago..maybe think its easier to put a pad on him as he doesnt see the button well and he would be to slow to go to the bathroom at night.........he wasnt wearing a pad yesterday...........he is waiting for a bed at rehab but it is taking so long it feels.........he has gone off his food a bit and is confused when they give him a list of choices......i work full time as a scaffolder and i could easily leave as he would be self funding until the money ran out. A care home would cost more than i earn a week and would they look after him as well as me..................its just so difficult. i would really like to hear from anyone who was in a similar opinion. or anyone that has any thoughts on the matter
    god bless all
    tim
     
  2. Vonny

    Vonny Registered User

    Feb 3, 2009
    4,577
    Telford
    Oh dear Tim, you have a dilemma on your hands.

    What exactly is this rehab going to achieve? If the results mean you can have your dad back at home and reasonably well, then I think it is worth waiting for.

    It's admirable that you want to care for your dad, but could you manage alone without some help from carers? A lot depends on how mobile your dad is but it took two of us to deal with my mum when she became doubly incontinent and was wearing pads.

    Another thing to bear in mind is that apart from any results from the rehab, dementia sufferers don't get better. The only way is down I'm afraid so you need to look to the future as well.

    Having said all that, I'm convinced that if you can do it, caring at home provides a better alternative to a care home. It's knowing when the time is right to go for the care home option which is so hard.

    A word on the finances: you wouldn't be paying for your dad's care, he would. I assume he already has Attendance Allowance? If you cared for your dad then the AA would go towards that and you would probably qualify for Carer's Allowance
    http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/CaringF...=DWP&TYPE=Sponsoredsearch&CRE=CarersAllowance
    I don't think that would cover your wages, but it is some help at least.

    I'm sorry I can't be of more help Tim and I'm playing devil's advocate to a certain extent because it's a big job you are contemplating taking on.

    I just hope they hurry up with a place in rehab and then all may fall into place.

    Vonny xx
     
  3. timthumb

    timthumb Registered User

    Dec 6, 2009
    283
    west sussex
    thanks vonny for replying you have done for a few of my posts............i expect i can only wait and see but it just seems hospital just doesnt have the time that i might have....it is so difficult....i will have to see on a day by day basis...i would have to leave my job and wouldnt have a trial period Seems so final.thanks again for making me feel less alone
    tim
    xxx
     
  4. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Hi Tim...

    It's admirable of you to want to take on your dad's care...but there really is an awful lot to consider.

    Not least that you would be giving up your livelihood to take this plunge into an unknown and very difficult world. If it didn't work out you'd have no job, and dad would have to go into care anyway.

    If it helps, try to look at this from the point of view of "What's best for my dad?"

    Do you think it would be best to wait for the rehab bed and take it from there..see how dad is then and discuss his future with the people who are caring for him then.

    Give yourself and your dad some time to adjust. There is no urgency here.

    Love xx
     
  5. timthumb

    timthumb Registered User

    Dec 6, 2009
    283
    west sussex
    i love that rainbow gigi..its so refreshing............i think you are right with being patient but that is hard as well...........im off to bed soon , work in the morning so will be back tomorrow.....thanks everyone for looking
    tim
     
  6. gill@anchorage5

    gill@anchorage5 Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    211
    Southampton
    Been there and done that!

    Hi Tim

    I will always remember a psychiatric nurse telling me "the quicker you can get Dad out of hospital and back in his home environment - the quicker you will start to get some of the "old Dad" back again" - and for us that was so true!

    I faced the same decision as you, and three and a half years ago I gave up work to care for my Dad full time at home. Not a decision to enter into lightly, and you need all the support you can get. But I'm so pleased that I made that decision and would do it all over again if I had the chance. Sadly we lost Dad 10 weeks ago - and I miss him dreadfully, but I hope we gave him the best quality of life he was able to achieve, right up to the end.

    Financially it was difficult (obviously!) The carers allowance is a shameful pittance for providing care 24/7. I think if you have less than 16k in savings you can get income support as well as Carer's Allowance - which would obviously help. Your Dad should get attendance allowance (at the higher rate if he requires attention during the night.)

    Re: Mobiltiy - even in my Dad's later stages (when we had to have two carers at a time in case he needed hoisting,) I still managed solo during the day to transfer him from chair to wheelchair, wheelchair to bed etc.. when he co-operated.

    Make sure if you take the decision to care for your Dad at home that you get as much support as you can, and that a "care package" is in place before he is discharged. Social Worker, CPN, O.T., Physiotherapist, GP, District Nurse - all have their part to play, depending on the level of need. Our OT's were excellent and provided all sorts of aids to make life easier.

    If you really want to care for your Dad at home, you should try and I hope whatever decision you make that it goes well for you and for your Dad.

    Take care

    Gill x
     
  7. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    I love rainbows too, Tim. They remind us that in the darkest, stormiest times there is light and hope.

    Sleep well...it's hard to be patient, I know.

    See you tomorrow! Have a good day at work.

    xx
     
  8. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,237
    Female
    Dundee
    Can't really help as I'm not in your situation. Just wanted to say take care and I hope things work out well for you. Izzy x
     
  9. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    14,697
    Hello Tim,

    This is such a big decision and perhaps you might find it helpful to talk it through with someone from your local branch of the Alzheimers Society.

    I don't feel of much help but I do want to say that with Talking Point you are not alone:) It is good to see you around and I hope you are beginning to feel a sense of belonging:)

    Love and best wishes
     
  10. timthumb

    timthumb Registered User

    Dec 6, 2009
    283
    west sussex
    so wonderful to wake up to such replies..off to work now..it takes my mind off of things for a while...and yes i am starting to feel part of now it is very comforting. as a christian i do feel its in gods hands, but that doesnt mean passivity. i wish everyone much love. have the best day that you can
    god bless
    tim
     
  11. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    14,697
    Hoping you have a good day too Tim:)

    Love
     
  12. sussexsue

    sussexsue Registered User

    Jun 10, 2009
    1,528
    West Sussex
    Hi Tim

    Everything that everyone has said about people doing better with family is almost certainly true.

    One thing you do have to consider is do you have support when you need a break (and believe me you will) or if you are ill, etc.

    My mum is easy, but we would not leave her in the house on her own. It works for us as my husband is also at home and my eldest daughter still lives with us and the youngest is available for nanny-stting duties. Even with all this help I do find it a strain and get quite down from time to time and feel trapped. Do you have a support network that would allow you to care for your Dad.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.
     

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