Hi to everyone, I haven't posted for a while.
I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, Amy, and I'm also glad that you posted this. It helped me to think about a few things. My Dad was sent back to hospital for another assessment because he was refusing to eat, drink or take his meds and being aggressive again. He had become doubly incontinent and would not let anyone clean or shave him. To cut a long story short - he has been moved to a closer hospital now but visits for both my Mum and myself have become more sporadic.
It seems to have coincided with my sort of emotional switch-off (if that is what it is). A month or so ago someone posted a thread asking what they should tell their 13-year-old son about his Granddad with AD. Most people were saying "Let him cry etc." - good advice, but when I turned to ask my 16-year-old son what he would say, he said "I'd tell him to get on with it - I had to". So I guess I've been trying to "get on with it" and have to admit I feel better for it. Perhaps I'm lucky that I have lots of other things to "get on with".
But, of course my Mum is not in that place, she is still naturally stuck in the past with Dad. So when Mum gets worried because she hasn't visited Dad enough, I often feel irrationally annoyed at her. Or when Mum gets annoyed that Dad is not wearing his own clothes, it doesn't seem important to me, I have accepted that the laundry will lose them! One day recently a neighbour took Mum to see Dad. When Mum came back she reported that Dad had said my name - twice! I didn't feel guilty that I wasn't there - just felt pleased for him that he'd remembered his daughter in that rare moment. A slightly tact-less (different) neighbour asked after Dad the other day and then said "I hope I don't get it (AD) - I'd rather be dead". A remark like that doesn't even make me angry any more.
It isn't like I've stopped loving Dad - I've just stopped feeling upset about everything that happens with him - does that mean I'm cold and hard? When I do visit I also love it when Dad gives the very occasional smile, every one now is even more of a bonus, and if Mum hasn't noticed it, I point it out to her. I think what I'm trying to say, Amy, is that I think I have gone past that nothing-ness and reached a little bit of peace for now (perhaps the calm before the storm - who can say?) I hope that's where you're at too. {{Hugs}}