Concerned Neighbour

[Sue J]

Thank you very much!

I guess the argument of the 'sueing' is that:

If we phoned the social workers and they took her away, we would have gone against the son's wishes. However, when we phone they say they will phone her but: 1) No one can console her anymore, 2) Her dementia is so advanced that she could hit me one moment and 10 seconds later she is saying children are in her home and 3) When they do phone and there is 'nothing wrong', they are able to stick their heads in the sand again.

I like your analogy on the AA!

If the social workers 'took her away' it is they that have to deal with the son and arrange an adequate care package. Yes, it may make relationship with son uncomfortable but he would have absolutely no grounds to sue you, for making a phone call.

I am in a similar situation trying to get care for a friend but also have my own symptoms and assure you I know who my good neighbours are and am thankful for them and to date I haven't need to make unreasonable demands of them and hope it stays that way.

Re. your points on phoning SS - you could also try writing to or ringing GP and putting the ball in their court.

 

[SEY]

Well in that case we need more medlars in this world! I wish you were my Mums neighbours. Better to meddle than be saying if only.

 

[Chemmy]

Flagging up things to the family is very different to contacting SS direct. I lived at a distance from my mother and I would have been pretty upset if her neighbours, however well-meaning, had gone over my head to the GP, police or social services. They had no idea of all the arrangements I was putting in place or the monitoring I and others were doing.

My mum was a wanderer and used to take the bus all over town. I'm sure some of her neighbours were horrified at me 'letting' her do this, but it was a fine balance between giving her a last taste of freedom or locking her up for good. I weighed up the pros and cons and was prepared to take the risk for as long as I could. When it finally became impracticable, she went into a CH. But it was my call, not anybody else's. And whereas I appreciated a factual update of her comings and goings, I really didn't need their thoughts or unsolicited advice about what I should or shouldn't be doing about it.

Certainly call an ambulance if there's a fall or other accident - I hope any neighbour would do that for someone with or without dementia - but there's a fine line between that and being a busybody.

This isn't a lady who no-one contacts from one month to the next. Her family visits every week, it seems. I have no doubt they will be fully aware of their mother's problems and they are under no obligation to discuss their plans for her future care with the neighbours.

 

[Beate]

Yes, I think that was the point I was trying to make earlier, albeit not so eloquently. It's not like there is no in involvement from family and authorities. The family visit and pay for carers and the SS have done an assessment. If this doesn't result in a care plan that you feel right for her, it might also have to do with the person's unwillingness to accept care, which is something quite common in people with dementia. You can't influence certain aspects of this situation, you've said your bit but if you've been advised not to phone them again then maybe you did overstep the mark a bit. There is a difference between informing people once and phoning them up every day. Neither SS nor the family have any obligation to keep you informed of their actions, it's now up to them how to handle the situation.

 

[Moonflower]

This is so difficult - its very kind of you to be so helpful. But on the other hand, the fact that you are helping may be delaying the PWD getting further help. When my mother was living on her own, she was very very insistent that she didn't need help - but she expected massive support from her neighbours. They would help her - and then phone me to say that she really should be in residential care. Which I totally agreed with. But she didn't see any need for further help, because she had such lovely neighbours.
I think you should phone for an ambulance if she falls, and other than that, hard as it is you need to stand back a bit and let her family deal with it. They won't necessarily realise how hard she is to calm her down if you keep doing it for them.

 

[theunknown]

In response to the 'concerned neighbour', you sound like wonderful neighbours to have, and I'd hate to think you were put of doing what you're doing because of concerns about how it's perceived.

 

[Chemmy]

Please don't get me wrong...I think you're wonderful neighbours too

 

[fizzie]

I think it is wonderful to have the sense of community spirit that you have and wish there was more of it! I don't think you are meddling but perhaps if it was possible to connect more and positively with the family then they might see how you are being helpful. I had the opposite, fortunately I lived close by but my Mas neighbours were useless - a whole row of bungalows and a mixture of ages and no-one took any notice of her from one week to the next. I wouldn't have wanted anyone reporting to Social Services but then i was there every day but a whole week for a person with dementia when there are so many changes going on during some periods is a very long time. It is an eternity for the person with dementia too - for many an hour is a long time so 6.5 days is forever. Please don't back off too far, she is so vulnerable.

 

[canary]

Im actually concerned for your safety.
If she is being aggressive towards you and hitting you it could all turn very nasty

 

[AmeliaM]

Hi,

I have just read your post and I think that you are fantastic neighbours and deserve the utmost credit for what you have done so far. However, having been on the "other side" as it were I can only say that my mum fought tooth and nail not to go in to residential care. Despite neighbours and carers and even the local Vicar telephoning me and expressing concern about her condition, she had not been fit to live alone for over twelve months. It is very very difficult because unless you have "Power of Attorney for Health" or have your loved one "sectioned" or declared unfit to make a decision in their own best interests there is very little you can do about the situation.

We had organised carers 4 times a day, overnight carers and were visiting and supporting mum, who also suffers from MS, as a family. The "Car finally crashed" after several falls, Hospital stays, telephone calls and texts from concerned carers,visits from Social Workers and Doctors that mum agreed to go in Residential for two weeks respite. This has since Xmas developed in to permanent care and she is fast deteriorating, as a family we feel guilty that we have had no option but to over rule her and have her admitted to permanent care but realise that we had no option. We have lost the fiesty lady who used to dictate her terms (and ours) and this is heartbreaking as she will never return home. Having said that we were losing our own sanity with the situation as it was. The worry and constant anxiety we suffered when she lived alone has been replaced by the worry and anxiety that she is now unhappy and deteriorating, this may have happened had she remained at home we will never know.

I can see both sides of your predicament and can only say that we were paying nearly double the cost of Care Home fees for private care (self funding) and mum was still falling and suffering anxiety attacks in between care visits, the carers visits were sometimes up to two hours at a time. Social Services care is means tested so possibly your neighbour is not self funding, I wouldn't like to say.

I think you may need to take a step back and allow the family to deal with the problem. I fully understand your concerns but unfortunately, as in our case, I feel it will take a fall or an illness to bring things to crisis point before the situation is resolved. Perhaps your neighbours family are relying on you a little too much I can understand your concerns and by all means make those phone calls if you feel you should, be supportive, but there is a point where the family will have to take responsibility and act in her best interests. (You cannot do this.)

It is such an awful unpredictable illness to which there is no simple solution.

Hope this has helped in some way.

 

[Neighbour1991]

Hi,

I have just read your post and I think that you are fantastic neighbours and deserve the utmost credit for what you have done so far. However, having been on the "other side" as it were I can only say that my mum fought tooth and nail not to go in to residential care. Despite neighbours and carers and even the local Vicar telephoning me and expressing concern about her condition, she had not been fit to live alone for over twelve months. It is very very difficult because unless you have "Power of Attorney for Health" or have your loved one "sectioned" or declared unfit to make a decision in their own best interests there is very little you can do about the situation.

We had organised carers 4 times a day, overnight carers and were visiting and supporting mum, who also suffers from MS, as a family. The "Car finally crashed" after several falls, Hospital stays, telephone calls and texts from concerned carers,visits from Social Workers and Doctors that mum agreed to go in Residential for two weeks respite. This has since Xmas developed in to permanent care and she is fast deteriorating, as a family we feel guilty that we have had no option but to over rule her and have her admitted to permanent care but realise that we had no option. We have lost the fiesty lady who used to dictate her terms (and ours) and this is heartbreaking as she will never return home. Having said that we were losing our own sanity with the situation as it was. The worry and constant anxiety we suffered when she lived alone has been replaced by the worry and anxiety that she is now unhappy and deteriorating, this may have happened had she remained at home we will never know.

I can see both sides of your predicament and can only say that we were paying nearly double the cost of Care Home fees for private care (self funding) and mum was still falling and suffering anxiety attacks in between care visits, the carers visits were sometimes up to two hours at a time. Social Services care is means tested so possibly your neighbour is not self funding, I wouldn't like to say.

I think you may need to take a step back and allow the family to deal with the problem. I fully understand your concerns but unfortunately, as in our case, I feel it will take a fall or an illness to bring things to crisis point before the situation is resolved. Perhaps your neighbours family are relying on you a little too much I can understand your concerns and by all means make those phone calls if you feel you should, be supportive, but there is a point where the family will have to take responsibility and act in her best interests. (You cannot do this.)

It is such an awful unpredictable illness to which there is no simple solution.

Hope this has helped in some way.

Thanks very much for this.

I can totally see the family's predictment and can appreciate the whole situation must be totally awlful. They tell us the texts are helpful and the fact that she doesn't allow any sort of care must be frustrating as hell (she allowed alarms around the house, a few hours after they were fitted the wires had been cut) for the whole family.

This and every other post is totally, 100% appreciated