'Clown mask'

[Marmotta838]

I went to a course today run by a woman who has 30 years experience working with people with dementia and who charges $125 for a one hour consultation.

She says it's better not to go and visit the person if you are feeling anxious/down, to have your 'clown face' on all the time you are with them, to act, to smile all the time, to be reassuring and calm all the time, to leave immediately if you feel you are having an anxiety spike - so where does that leave family members with mental illnesses, where does it leave 24 hour carers - are they supposed to suppress their emotions/take acting classes for years on end?

What a joke! This would be ok for professional carers - people who are paid - but people who love them? Isn't that denying them the sufferer the dignity of being a human being who can be related to? Isn't that like we used to treat 'lunatics'? Just stay calm and try not to upset them..... To me, that's taking away a valuable part of the interaction - sometimes if they know they can still upset you, they know you still love them - sometimes they want to help you if you are having problems - it makes them feel valued and needed still.

What happens if someone in the family has schizophenia/depression - does that mean they are forbidden from caring for/seeing their loved one?

What an artificial and superficial load of ********!!!

I mean yes, avoid having major melt downs in front of them.... but showing other emotions apart from smiling benignly - anything more likely to make a person feel dissociated and nutty I can't imagine!!!

 

[JohnBG]

Mh

For the most part you can decide when any interaction takes place so it may be wise to pick your moments, it does take time understanding and experience to learn these strategies. When to say something, or just walk away to give them space, if you are calm and consistent that will help everyone.

The patient may just want some reassurance, dealing with MH of issues of this magnitude will be frustrating for them, angry resentment that unknown future,

As you say we may need to find emotional support for ourselves from other areas, talk to people who will listen to your plight with compassion in a supportive environment. Have quality time for yourself, in hospitals plenty if staff day and night to keep the patient safe to build that trust. Being a carer may mean at times we have to put the patient first in knowing that they are unwell where to them it nay seem quite normal.

All these things are very stressful plus over time our own resilience is tested, so you are doing a good job supportive a loved one, friend or colleague.

Pick those moments when you have the strength resolve and capacity to be encouraging and supportive, build a group to help them taking some pressure off yourself to do this role 24/7 which is unrealistic.

Be kind to yourself. John.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Marmotta838
I'm afraid my dad is at a stage where he simply cannot deal with another person's emotions, he is almost constantly anxious himself to some degree and what he needs is for me to be calm and comforting, positive and kind - if I am fretful he immediately picks up on that and it magnifies his own worry
so I do compose myself as I put my hand on the door handle to his room in the care home; I expect the worst and hope for the best; I go in with a cheery smile and "hello dad, it's ..." so he knows who I am; and take it from there, slowly and quietly
as he is now, to show him how I really feel would be self indulgent and unkind - he is no longer able to support and comfort me as he would have done - I show him I love him by giving him what he needs right now, which is enabling him to feel that he is OK (especially when he is not)
no, we carers aren't superhuman, however sometimes feelings are best kept to ourselves for the moment and expressed somewhere else to someone else, depending on the capabilities of the PWD
thank goodness for TP which often stands as that somewhere and that someone

 

[irismary]

Hi Marmotta
So very easy to say but not so easy to do. I know my husband picks up on my emotions or mood even if I try to hide it but we are together 24 hours per day 7 days per week apart from 6 hours day care, a 2 hour sit and the odd night out. I would have to be superwoman to keep my emotions in check for all that time. It applies to professionals of course as they are not emotionally involved with the PWD and are being paid - which does make a difference. In my professional life I had to make some hard decisions but never let my personal feelings show out of respect to the person I was dealing with but with my lovely OH it is impossible try as I might it floods out occasionally. TP is brilliant as a release for the bad days. Also professionals dealing with PWD probably get told more about their condition and prognosis than we - those doing the day to day care - ever get told. I know this is a difficult disease to predict but I feel they say so little to us about it and they could say more.

 

[marionq]

Marmotta the key point is the difference between full time sole carers and visitors or employees. My husband and I live together and I would not and could not pretend to be something I am not. My mental health is as important as his. If I crash we both crash. I of course do not expect my husband to be the companion of our past life and I try to support him as best I can but there are limitations as you say. The woman is either an inadequate lecturer or a nut.

 

[Alicenutter]

I just read an interesting piece about "the Ring Theory". It's basically about who you can and can't (or should and shouldn't) vent to. It's a series of concentric circles with the PWD at the centre, the principal caregiver in the next circle, and rippling outwards. And the 'rule' is that everybody can vent to the circles outside their own, and should support and help the circles inside their own. Does that make sense?


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[nae sporran]

I just read an interesting piece about "the Ring Theory". It's basically about who you can and can't (or should and shouldn't) vent to. It's a series of concentric circles with the PWD at the centre, the principal caregiver in the next circle, and rippling outwards. And the 'rule' is that everybody can vent to the circles outside their own, and should support and help the circles inside their own. Does that make sense?


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

Easier said than done Alice, especially when TP is the only safe place to vent anything. It does sound like a reasonable, caring and sensible rule though, if only it were that easy.

 

[Alicenutter]

Oh I agree easier said than done... I think TP are outer circles so we can safely vent here...


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[canary]

I think that the person who gave that lecture was talking about visiting people in a CH and was not talking about full-time carers.
I agree - you cant do that all the time without cracking if you are a full-time carer, but I think it is good advice to people who visit. I know that mum is very good at picking up body language and I have to staple on a bright smile when I visit her. Like Shedechs dad, mum cant cope, or even understand the reason for, other peoples emotions - but negative ones will set her off. If I am upset, she will become upset too.

Alice I really like that picture of concentric circles and venting outside your own circle whilst supporting the people on the circles inside.