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Christmas 2020 Guilt

Deanne100

Registered User
Nov 26, 2020
24
0
Hi. I'm new to the whole area of Alzheimer's but not my mothers personality. I'm wrestling with my conscience on so many levels. The situation is so complex that I'd need hours to explain the detail. So I will do my best to cover the main points. Feel free to ask questions but please keep an open mind and try not to judge me.

1. My mum has never liked me since I was knee high to a grass hopper. Fact.
2. After many years of my trying to 'please' her, I gave up when she started trying to destroy my relationship with my daughter.
3. 8 years ago, I blocked her out of my life for my own and my daughters mental well being. As far as I am aware, she never attempted to contact us.
4. 18 months ago, she called me totally out of the blue, to tell me that both she and her husband had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I contacted my brother, who lives in Australia, asking him to find out if this was in fact true.
5. Jun of this year, I found myself racing to my mothers address, 160 miles away, to be at her side as her husband passed away.
6. We didn't make it to his bedside on time. I'd followed her down the wrong corridor. It was than close. I did not know that she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's approx. 12 months prior. I'd noticed her asking the same questions over and over.
7. That week, I organised the funeral and assessed her needs. I was kicked out. She has always kicked me out, if I don't do exactly as she demands.
8. July: My bro flew over, I joined him, we sifted though many years of paperwork. It was a mess. We interviewed carers and employed one to go in daily to support Mum. We were both kicked out but on return, hours later, she'd forgotten. I left upset because she started being nasty to me again.
9. Aug: I went and spent her birthday with her.

Here we are in Dec 2020. The carer has resigned due to Mum's challenging behaviour and making a serious accusation. Bro & I have zoom interviewed 2. Fingers crossed.

My bro recently said that my mother does not have a conscience. She rarely says sorry or if she does, I personally don't believe it is meant. Try googling, 'a person without a conscience'. It's scary and I will continue to be her victim for as long as I have a relationship with her. All of the family, over the years, have cut ties with her except my bro. I and my daughter were only dragged back in because it really was an emergency.

Bearing in mind my Mum, who is now 77, worked as a geriatric nurse for most of her nursing career. Now whether she has a personality disorder or had 'early onset' Alzheimer's for many years before diagnosis, I doubt we will ever be able to clarify. Because of her nursing career, she had all the tools to hide her difficulties. Her husband too, did everything for her. She's always been good at getting others to do things for her and then takes credit!

Currently, she accepts that her memory fails her a little but denies her diagnosis. She also uses a stoma and has diabetes. She is very lonely. Gets angry, frustrated and overwhelmed quickly. She can no longer cook. Many skills she had, she has lost. I'm not sure if that is due to her husband having done everything for her, for so long, the Alzheimers, laziness.....I do know, she treats those around her as her pawns. She lies and always has. She's been telling people some awful lies about me. They've told me. I've been aghast, hurt .......

So now, it seems to be expected that I make the journey to her home to spend Christmas with her. The thing is:
1. I don't want to. Does that make me mean?
2. My daughter lives local to me. I want to be with my daughter. If my Mum realises that I have chosen her over my daughter, she'll be pleased, but not for the right reasons.
3. All of my efforts will be demanded but sneered at.
4. I've recently been diagnosed with a blood disorder which is yet to be identified. My white blood cell count is lower than low. I'm having my 6th set of bloods taken on the 7th.
5. My Mum thinks she is immune to COVID and wants/demands to be taken out daily.
6. My Mum is a convincing liar, as her previous carer learned. She says she cleans and cooks etc. She doesn't. The house is not a pleasant place to spend time. She rarely allowed the carer to clean. The carer cooked or left cold meals in the fridge.
7. Her dog is not being let out in to the garden often enough. She's forgetting to open the back door for him. The carer was taking him out as often as possible. She was unable to attend 'every' day and that's when accidents happened.
8. My Mum is paranoid. She does not like more that one person in her house at the same time. She won't let a cleaner in.
9. Last time I was kicked out was because I refused to go downstairs and read. She's been winding me up all day. I just needed a break in my own space. I wasn't allowed that.
10. Mum will run me ragged. She'll not say sorry, please or thank you. She'll have toddler tantrum's when I don't comply.

Crikey, I've gone on and on.....sorry. I'm hoping that we'll have a carer in place very soon. I'm hoping that the carer will be able to take Mum a Christmas dinner on the day and spend some time with Mum.

My daughter and her boyfriend are visiting my Mum before Christmas, to get the true lay of the land and hide her Christmas presents. My daughter and bro are far less sensitive than I. I've been described as being over sensitive.

I thought that the best compromise is to be with Mum to bring the New Year in.

So last night I posted a plea for help on FB. I was trying to source the means of getting a hot Christmas Dinner delivered to her. Well, there were some truly lovely offers but there were also many judgements. The main question was 'Why is a 77 year old, newly widowed, with Alzheimer's going to be on her own for Christmas'? Followed by statements of 'I'd move heaven and earth to be with my Mum on Christmas Day' etc etc. Guilt trip is an understatement. The upside is that I had a couple of informative calls and links that could prove to be useful over the long term, Covid allowing.

I understand peoples judgments and questions but they don't know my Mum. Last time I was kicked out, it took me 4 hours to drive home. I was so tired, I really shouldn't have been driving but I had no choice.

To add another barrier. I have a cat. Friends and neighbours will come in and look after her but the house adjoined is being working on extensively. It has been deafeningly noisy until 2 weeks ago. Apparently the council have stopped work, the new owner will be fined and he must put the council land back to it's original state. In that, when removing tree's off our boundary land, with a digger, it looked, as my other neighbours agree, that he was trying to knock my fence down. 2 problems from this: 1. The noise will terrify my cat and she will be alone for much of the day and night with no escape from the noise or my reassuring presence. 2. I wouldn't be surprised to return and find that he has trespassed, knocked my fence down and spoiled my garden.
Solution....take my cat I hear you think as I have done so too. I could keep my cat in my bedroom and visit her often but 1. She hates car journeys. 2. I'm worried that my Mum would let her out just to spite me. Her dog does not like cats.....I'm just now thinking 'cattery'. I wonder?

OK so back to the main question....should I or should I not go and spend Christmas with my Mum?
 
Last edited:

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,876
0
cornwall
Hi. I'm new to the whole area of Alzheimer's but not my mothers personality. I'm wrestling with my conscience on so many levels. The situation is so complex that I'd need hours to explain the detail. So I will do my best to cover the main points. Feel free to ask questions but please keep an open mind and try not to judge me.

1. My mum has never liked me since I was knee high to a grass hopper. Fact.
2. After many years of my trying to 'please' her, I gave up when she started trying to destroy my relationship with my daughter.
3. 8 years ago, I blocked her out of my life for my own and my daughters mental well being. As far as I am aware, she never attempted to contact us.
4. 18 months ago, she called me totally out of the blue, to tell me that both she and her husband had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I contacted my brother, who lives in Australia, asking him to find out if this was in fact true.
5. Jun of this year, I found myself racing to my mothers address, 160 miles away, to be at her side as her husband passed away.
6. We didn't make it to his bedside on time. I'd followed her down the wrong corridor. It was than close. I did not know that she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's approx. 12 months prior. I'd noticed her asking the same questions over and over.
7. That week, I organised the funeral and assessed her needs. I was kicked out. She has always kicked me out, if I don't do exactly as she demands.
8. July: My bro flew over, I joined him, we sifted though many years of paperwork. It was a mess. We interviewed carers and employed one to go in daily to support Mum. We were both kicked out but on return, hours later, she'd forgotten. I left upset because she started being nasty to me again.
9. Aug: I went and spent her birthday with her.

Here we are in Dec 2020. The carer has resigned due to Mum's challenging behaviour and making a serious accusation. Bro & I have zoom interviewed 2. Fingers crossed.

My bro recently said that my mother does not have a conscience. She rarely says sorry or if she does, I personally don't believe it is meant. Try googling, 'a person with a conscience'. It's scary and I will continue to be her victim for as long as I have a relationship with her. All of the family, over the years, have cut ties with her except my bro. I and my daughter were only dragged back in because it really was an emergency.

Bearing in mind my Mum, who is now 77, worked as a geriatric nurse for most of her nursing career. Now whether she has a personality disorder or had 'early onset' Alzheimer's for many years before diagnosis, I doubt we will ever be able to clarify. Because of her nursing career, she had all the tools to hide her difficulties. Her husband too, did everything for her. She's always been good and getting others to do things for her and then takes credit!

Currently, she accepts that her memory fails her a little but denies her diagnosis. She also uses a stoma and has diabetes. She is very lonely. Gets angry, frustrated and overwhelmed quickly. She can no longer cook. Many skills she had, she has lost. I'm not sure if that is due to her husband having done everything for her, for so long, the Alzheimers, laziness.....I do know, she treats those around her as her pawns. She lies and always has. She's been telling people some awful lies about me. They've told me. I've been aghast, hurt .......

So now, it seems to be expected that I make the journey to her home to spend Christmas with her. The thing is:
1. I don't want to. Does that make me mean?
2. My daughter lives local to me. I want to be with my daughter. If my Mum realises that I have chosen her over my daughter, she'll be pleased, but not for the right reasons.
3. All of my efforts will be demanded but sneered at.
4. I've recently been diagnosed with a blood disorder which is yet to be identified. My white blood cell count is lower than low. I'm having my 6th set of bloods taken on the 7th.
5. My Mum thinks she is immune to COVID and wants/demands to be taken out daily.
6. My Mum is a convincing liar, as her previous carer learned. She says she cleans and cooks etc. She doesn't. The house is not a pleasant place to spend time. She rarely allowed the carer to clean. The carer cooked or left cold meals in the fridge.
7. Her dog is not being let out in the garden often enough. She's forgetting to open the back door for him. The carer was taking him out as often as possible she was unable to attend 'every' day and that's when accidents happened.
8. My Mum is paranoid. She does not like more that one person in her house. She won't let a cleaner in.
9. Last time I was kicked out was because I refused to go downstairs and read. She's been winding me up all day so I just needed a break in my own space. I wasn't allowed that.
10. Mum will run me ragged. She'll not say sorry, please or thank you. She'll have toddler trantrums when I don't comply.

Crikey, I've gone on and on.....sorry. I'm hoping that we'll have a carer in place very soon. I'm hoping that the carer will be able to take Mum a Christmas dinner on the big day and spend some time with Mum.

My daughter and her boyfriend are visiting my Mum before Christmas, to get the true lay of the land and hide her Christmas presents. My daughter and bro are far less sensitive than I. I've been described as being over sensitive.

I thought that the best compromise is to be with Mum to bring the New Year in.

So last night I posted a plea for help on FB. I was trying to source the means of getting a hot Christmas Dinner delivered to her. Well, there were some truly lovely offers but there were also many judgements. The main question was 'Why is a 77 year old, newly widowed, with Alzheimer's going to be on her own for Christmas'? Followed by statements of 'I'd move heaven and earth to be with my Mum on Christmas Day' etc etc. Guilt trip is an understatement. The upside is that I had a couple of informative calls and links that could prove to be useful over the long term, Covid allowing.

I understand peoples judgments and questions but they don't know my Mum. Last time I was kicked out, it took me 4 hours to drive home. I was so tired, I really shouldn't have been driving but I had no choice.

To add another barrier. I have a cat. Friends and neighbours will come in and look after her but the house adjoined is being working on extensively. It has been deafeningly noisy until 2 weeks ago. Apparently the council have stopped work, the new owner will be fined and he must put the council land back to it's original state. In that, when removing tree's off our boundary land, with a digger, it looked, as my other neighbours agree, that he was trying to knock my fence down. 2 problems from this: 1. The noise will terrify my cat and she will be alone for much of the day and night with no escape from the noise or my reassuring presence. 2. I wouldn't be surprised to return and find that he has trespassed, knocked my fence down and spoiled my garden.
Solution....take my cat I hear you think as I have done so too. I could keep my cat in my bedroom and visit her often but 1. She hates car journeys. 2. I'm worried that my Mum would let her out just to spite me. Her dog does not like cats.....I'm just now thinking 'cattery'. I wonder?

OK so back to the main question....should I or should I not go and spend Christmas with my Mum?
Hi. I don’t have a great relationship with my dad either. It is better now as I treat him like a child when he has paddies.He was never around as a child but I had to do my duty and visit his mother who was just as cantankerous..
But in answer to your question. No I wouldn’t visit her on Xmas Day. I’m not visiting my dad.Only beforehand am I doing it.
If you get carers etc and she throws them out I would get SS involved and let them deal with her..It is hard to deal with a parent who does not want to help themselves.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,312
0
Hi @Deanne100 , I think the short answer to that question is no. It won't make your mum happy, it wont make your family happy and it won't make you happy. Ignore comments on Facebook, please. So many people on there would rather make judgements than try to understand, and unless you've tried to help someone with dementia who doesn't want to be helped they won't have a clue what it's like.
I think the important thing is to ensure your mother is safe. It may be worth flagging her up to her local social services as a vulnerable adult just in case something happens before a new carer is in place. As you are organising carers I assume your mum is funding these and you have control of her finances.
I'm sure others that have had more experience of organising care from a distance will be along shortly but in the meantime you might want to phone the helpline when it opens tomorrow. They'll be far more supportive than Facebook I promise.
0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk
 
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Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,618
0
Yorkshire
hello @Deanne100
a warm welcome to DTP
no-one here will judge you ... we understand that every individual's situation is just that, individual and particular to them
personally, I would say don't visit .. and don't dwell on the fact that you will not visit, concentrate on your own Christmas

I would suggest you contact your mum's Local Authority Adult Services and ask for an assessment of her care needs (whether she will accept any support they suggest is down to her) so that they are aware of exactly what her situation is ... and possibly her GP too; same reason, so that they have an up to date picture ... and don't be drawn into providing any more support than you are happy to ... the duty of care to provide for the assessed care needs of a vulnerable adult lies with the LA, not you
 

Deanne100

Registered User
Nov 26, 2020
24
0
Hi @Deane100, I think the short answer to that question is no. It won't make your mum happy, it wont make your family happy and it won't make you happy. Ignore comments on Facebook, please. So many people on there would rather make judgements than try to understand, and unless you've tried to help someone with dementia who doesn't want to be heled they won't have a clue what it's like.
I think the important thing is to ensure your mother is safe. It may be worth flagging her up to her local social services as a vulnerable adult just in case something happens before a new carer is in place. As you are organising carers I assume your mum is funding these and you have control of her finances.
I'm sure others that have had more experience of organising care from a distance will be along shortly but in the meantime you might want to phone the helpline when it opens tomorrow. They'll be far more supportive than Facebook I promise.
0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk
Thanks Sarasa.
I've spoken with the Alzheimer's society a few times. I'm expecting another call back soon.
SS were contacted by the District Nurses, who were going in to look after Mum's husband. Mum says she was looking after him and the District Nurses were there for her? Mum shows no signs of having bowel cancer, that she originally claimed to have been diagnosed with 18 months ago.
Mum was assessed by SS but did not meet their 'needs' criteria.
LPA for finance was applied for in July. The process has still yet to be completed! My bro is paying for micro carers, via SS, out of his own pocket.
I've learned since I posted that my daughter is going down the week before Christmas 🤶. So if I go for New Year, I think that is a good compromise :)
My daughter is going to do bits in readiness for my visit. I'm hoping to get a 'Monitored Fall's Alarm' installed and maybe a bath aid.
Thank you again/ My conscience is feeling a little clearer :)
 

Deanne100

Registered User
Nov 26, 2020
24
0
Hi. I don’t have a great relationship with my dad either. It is better now as I treat him like a child when he has paddies.He was never around as a child but I had to do my duty and visit his mother who was just as cantankerous..
But in answer to your question. No I wouldn’t visit her on Xmas Day. I’m not visiting my dad.Only beforehand am I doing it.
If you get carers etc and she throws them out I would get SS involved and let them deal with her..It is hard to deal with a parent who does not want to help themselves.
Thank you TNJJ :) x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,248
0
South East
Hi @Deanne100 , this is a brilliant forum , very supportive and knowledgeable , no one here will judge you . You have had good advice so far and I wholeheartedly agree , let her local authority know and step away , I would not spend Christmas with her , you are important , spend it with who and how you want . As to Fb and others giving a judgement ... they have no idea so take no notice , do what is best for you .
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,248
0
South East
New Year sorry not Christmas . I would carry on managing it from a distance and hopefully the Lpa won’t take too much longer . Bro needs to reimburse himself once it comes through . A lot of the behaviours are common with Dementia , so as your mum was like that before they seem to be even more pronounced . Be kind to yourself and think of your own well-being first and foremost , you owe her nothing in my eyes . You were gracious in rushing to her when her husband died .
 

Deanne100

Registered User
Nov 26, 2020
24
0
Hi. I don’t have a great relationship with my dad either. It is better now as I treat him like a child when he has paddies.He was never around as a child but I had to do my duty and visit his mother who was just as cantankerous..
But in answer to your question. No I wouldn’t visit her on Xmas Day. I’m not visiting my dad.Only beforehand am I doing it.
If you get carers etc and she throws them out I would get SS involved and let them deal with her..It is hard to deal with a parent who does not want to help themselves.
Thank you TNJJ :) x
Hi @Deanne100 , I think the short answer to that question is no. It won't make your mum happy, it wont make your family happy and it won't make you happy. Ignore comments on Facebook, please. So many people on there would rather make judgements than try to understand, and unless you've tried to help someone with dementia who doesn't want to be helped they won't have a clue what it's like.
I think the important thing is to ensure your mother is safe. It may be worth flagging her up to her local social services as a vulnerable adult just in case something happens before a new carer is in place. As you are organising carers I assume your mum is funding these and you have control of her finances.
I'm sure others that have had more experience of organising care from a distance will be along shortly but in the meantime you might want to phone the helpline when it opens tomorrow. They'll be far more supportive than Facebook I promise.
0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk
Actually, Mum would be really happy with my presence whilst I am catering to her every need and she has someone to talk at. Things change when I start saying 'no' to going shopping again or the pub again or to see one of her 'so called friends', that never visit her, again. As soon as I start to cooperate a little less than she would like, she switches mode. She can be nice but it's often fake and when things are going her way. Even in nice mode, she can be nasty. Last time, out of the blue, with her back to me she said, 'and I thought you'd changed'. I was just stood, doing and saying nothing. It was an attempt to get a rise out of me. An innocent querying of her statement, could easily have turned in to a row. I chose not to respond but I'm very aware of her devious ways. I'm always on egg shells around her.
 

Deanne100

Registered User
Nov 26, 2020
24
0
Thank you everyone. Now I will eat and 'enjoy' my food :). And just maybe, I will find some Christmas spirit and dig the decs out of the attic :) I'm smiling, proper smiling, for what seems like an age. Thank you :) x
 

Deanne100

Registered User
Nov 26, 2020
24
0
New Year sorry not Christmas . I would carry on managing it from a distance and hopefully the Lpa won’t take too much longer . Bro needs to reimburse himself once it comes through . A lot of the behaviours are common with Dementia , so as your mum was like that before they seem to be even more pronounced . Be kind to yourself and think of your own well-being first and foremost , you owe her nothing in my eyes . You were gracious in rushing to her when her husband died .
Woo, are you suggesting that I don't visit for Christmas and New Year? I'm just asking.

I am normally on my own over New Year and don't enjoy reflecting back. I mean 2020 has been awful but I empathise with my Mum. More so, having lost her husband too. I feel New Year is less fuss too. I could also give the carer/s the days off. It was the guilt tripping over Christmas Day that was really getting me down. I wasn't prepared to do the journey twice within such a short space of time to be with her over my daughter. Besides, I need to speak with her 'face to face' pdq to broach the subject of LPA on H&W. I've started a thread on the subject re 'best routes', due to the solicitor my bro employed for LPA on F, dragging his heels. I mean, its been over 4 months now since it was signed and witnessed!!!

I'm saying I'm OK with visiting New Year........The day is far enough away for me not to have to seriously think about yet. I bet as the time drawers nearer, the feeling of dread will return. I've always been one for trying to do the 'right' thing, which is often the harder option. My bro has said that she is not my responsibility too. What is it with this invisible emotional leash we seem to be held on? Maybe something will happen over the visit that will re-strengthen my resolve :)

I've heard it said that dementia magnifies personality traits before! Interesting.
 
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imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
552
0
Sorry to hear about your experience @Deanne100 .
My father was a very difficult man, worse when my mum left him, and he successfully alienated almost everyone. This, it appears, is not a uncommon precursor to a dementia diagnosis. He was absolutely vile to my younger brother when he was in the early stages of the disease so I really took him out of it and did most of the stuff necessary myself, with a fair amount of moaning on here, to be fair as my brother has certainly been not especially helpful over the years!
After my parents divorced I had some very difficult feelings about going home for Christmas so do it as little as possible.
We do have a virtual guilt monster bashing stick around here somewhere, which you are welcome to utilise whenever you need to give that guilt a whack... Just sanitise it before you give it back. It's a little worn due to constant use but it can help.
 

Deanne100

Registered User
Nov 26, 2020
24
0
Sorry to hear about your experience @Deanne100 .
My father was a very difficult man, worse when my mum left him, and he successfully alienated almost everyone. This, it appears, is not a uncommon precursor to a dementia diagnosis. He was absolutely vile to my younger brother when he was in the early stages of the disease so I really took him out of it and did most of the stuff necessary myself, with a fair amount of moaning on here, to be fair as my brother has certainly been not especially helpful over the years!
After my parents divorced I had some very difficult feelings about going home for Christmas so do it as little as possible.
We do have a virtual guilt monster bashing stick around here somewhere, which you are welcome to utilise whenever you need to give that guilt a whack... Just sanitise it before you give it back. It's a little worn due to constant use but it can help.
Hey I love my bro to bits but I have to admit, he's so chilled out, he's almost horizontal. Things seem to take an age to get sorted unless it is at 'crisis' point. It's frustrating but he keeps me grounded. I can't expect him to fly over each time there is a drama but someone has to have 'hands on', on occasion. I mean, carers can't sort LPA's or Fall Monitors or bath aids out. I wish they could mind :)

I've learned that my bro and I think very differently. He manages crisis' where as I attempt to put things in place, in order to avoid them. Over New Year, I'll be pleased if I manage to persuade my Mum around on any of the things I think need to be put in place. Fingers crossed :)

Now where can I find that 'virtual guilt monster bashing stick?' :)
 
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Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,248
0
South East
Go NYE but you shouldn’t feel obliged , whatever makes you feel better is my opinion . I think the hold up with Lpa’s is the backlog at OPG due to Lockdowns more than solicitor but could be wrong . Also I would be tempted to bend the truth a little to get mum to sign , say everyone does them now , or it will stop strangers controlling her money , whatever you think she will go for .
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
547
0
I don't think there is a lot of point in visiti if the relationship has broken down to the extent that it obviously has. It would result in more bad feeling and argument. Some of her behaviour can perhaps be attributed to the illn but your bad relationship evidently goes back much further. The best you can do is try to provide as much support as you can from a distance, including as others have said, getting social services on the case.

It may be worth posting more details about the LPA as it is s long time since July. Did you apply to register it in July? Who are the attorneys? Are they joint as and several or must they act together on every decision? I would be worried after all this time that something had not gone to plan.
 
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jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,852
0
Southampton
i have a non-existent relationship with my family and wouldnt look after him even if i had to. it didnt take that long for both POA s to come through for my husband and i didnt use solicitors but went through dementia connect to organise it. go when you think you want to so if its new year so be it just put help in place to cover you to look after your mum
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,073
0
Nottinghamshire
Welcome from me too @Deanne100

Firstly I’d like to say that describing someone as “too sensitive “ is a form of bullying. It’s really saying that your feelings don’t matter, that you don’t matter. I’ve had it said to me by people who wanted their own way. If your mum doesn’t bother your brother or your daughter let them deal with her. Personally I’d be reluctant to see her at all. She doesn’t deserve your attention.

My ex mother-in-law is a lot like your mother and I kept a relationship with her only because she was my kids grandmother. When she turned on them too we stopped seeing her. This was 17yrs ago. None of us miss her and FIL has never tried to get in touch with his grandkids either so that’s his choice. My kids are both adults (they were 10 and 12 when their nana turned on them and their counsellor told them she had an “emotionally destructive personality “ and they should avoid her) and we now have a lot less stress in our lives.

Don’t go.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,313
0
South coast
Every single thing that you have mentioned about your mum is typical of dementia and if she was a difficult woman to start with, well thats a double whammy. If you read around these boards you will see people posting about everything that you have mentioned. The general population has this idea that someone with dementia is just a bit confused and forgetful, whereas this is far from the truth.

My own mum, who was gentle, loving and compassionate, became an absolute harridan. She started off wanting me to give up my career, leave my husband and go and live with her and she could not understand why I thought this was unreasonable. She accused people of terrible crimes, wrote awful letters to them and posted them through their letter boxes! She accused me of stealing from her and abusing her, got into huge arguments with the neighbours and the woman across the road contacted the police because she said mum was harassing her. She would be constantly coming out with impossible and outrageous stories. She regularly threw people out of her home and half the time wouldnt even let me in. It was a nightmare. She was unable to understand that she had dementia and never admitted that she had anything wrong and she was convinced that she was doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, etc etc although one look at her and her home told you otherwise. She would not accept carers and threw them out straight away. She started walking out, very inadequately dressed (on one memorable occasion dressed only in an unfastened dressing gown) in the night and banging on neighbours doors in the wee small hours because she was lost. Eventually, she had a TIA and ended up in hospital and from there she moved to a care home.

My tale is not an usual one and I thought I would tell it so that you knew that you were not alone. We all understand. I agree with the comments saying that you should contact Social Services and her GP with your concerns.

I wouldnt visit at Christmas either. I never visited mum at Christmas, even when she was in her care home. I used to visit just before, to drop off her presents and then again soon afterwards. You need to spend time with your daughter.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
908
0
Don’t go !

Just to echo the others advice to contact social services.

You may well have read it before ? But I attach a link to @Grannie G ’s compassionate communication. I was wondering if it might be worth printing off to give to your daughter?