Hi. I'm new to the whole area of Alzheimer's but not my mothers personality. I'm wrestling with my conscience on so many levels. The situation is so complex that I'd need hours to explain the detail. So I will do my best to cover the main points. Feel free to ask questions but please keep an open mind and try not to judge me.
1. My mum has never liked me since I was knee high to a grass hopper. Fact.
2. After many years of my trying to 'please' her, I gave up when she started trying to destroy my relationship with my daughter.
3. 8 years ago, I blocked her out of my life for my own and my daughters mental well being. As far as I am aware, she never attempted to contact us.
4. 18 months ago, she called me totally out of the blue, to tell me that both she and her husband had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I contacted my brother, who lives in Australia, asking him to find out if this was in fact true.
5. Jun of this year, I found myself racing to my mothers address, 160 miles away, to be at her side as her husband passed away.
6. We didn't make it to his bedside on time. I'd followed her down the wrong corridor. It was than close. I did not know that she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's approx. 12 months prior. I'd noticed her asking the same questions over and over.
7. That week, I organised the funeral and assessed her needs. I was kicked out. She has always kicked me out, if I don't do exactly as she demands.
8. July: My bro flew over, I joined him, we sifted though many years of paperwork. It was a mess. We interviewed carers and employed one to go in daily to support Mum. We were both kicked out but on return, hours later, she'd forgotten. I left upset because she started being nasty to me again.
9. Aug: I went and spent her birthday with her.
Here we are in Dec 2020. The carer has resigned due to Mum's challenging behaviour and making a serious accusation. Bro & I have zoom interviewed 2. Fingers crossed.
My bro recently said that my mother does not have a conscience. She rarely says sorry or if she does, I personally don't believe it is meant. Try googling, 'a person without a conscience'. It's scary and I will continue to be her victim for as long as I have a relationship with her. All of the family, over the years, have cut ties with her except my bro. I and my daughter were only dragged back in because it really was an emergency.
Bearing in mind my Mum, who is now 77, worked as a geriatric nurse for most of her nursing career. Now whether she has a personality disorder or had 'early onset' Alzheimer's for many years before diagnosis, I doubt we will ever be able to clarify. Because of her nursing career, she had all the tools to hide her difficulties. Her husband too, did everything for her. She's always been good at getting others to do things for her and then takes credit!
Currently, she accepts that her memory fails her a little but denies her diagnosis. She also uses a stoma and has diabetes. She is very lonely. Gets angry, frustrated and overwhelmed quickly. She can no longer cook. Many skills she had, she has lost. I'm not sure if that is due to her husband having done everything for her, for so long, the Alzheimers, laziness.....I do know, she treats those around her as her pawns. She lies and always has. She's been telling people some awful lies about me. They've told me. I've been aghast, hurt .......
So now, it seems to be expected that I make the journey to her home to spend Christmas with her. The thing is:
1. I don't want to. Does that make me mean?
2. My daughter lives local to me. I want to be with my daughter. If my Mum realises that I have chosen her over my daughter, she'll be pleased, but not for the right reasons.
3. All of my efforts will be demanded but sneered at.
4. I've recently been diagnosed with a blood disorder which is yet to be identified. My white blood cell count is lower than low. I'm having my 6th set of bloods taken on the 7th.
5. My Mum thinks she is immune to COVID and wants/demands to be taken out daily.
6. My Mum is a convincing liar, as her previous carer learned. She says she cleans and cooks etc. She doesn't. The house is not a pleasant place to spend time. She rarely allowed the carer to clean. The carer cooked or left cold meals in the fridge.
7. Her dog is not being let out in to the garden often enough. She's forgetting to open the back door for him. The carer was taking him out as often as possible. She was unable to attend 'every' day and that's when accidents happened.
8. My Mum is paranoid. She does not like more that one person in her house at the same time. She won't let a cleaner in.
9. Last time I was kicked out was because I refused to go downstairs and read. She's been winding me up all day. I just needed a break in my own space. I wasn't allowed that.
10. Mum will run me ragged. She'll not say sorry, please or thank you. She'll have toddler tantrum's when I don't comply.
Crikey, I've gone on and on.....sorry. I'm hoping that we'll have a carer in place very soon. I'm hoping that the carer will be able to take Mum a Christmas dinner on the day and spend some time with Mum.
My daughter and her boyfriend are visiting my Mum before Christmas, to get the true lay of the land and hide her Christmas presents. My daughter and bro are far less sensitive than I. I've been described as being over sensitive.
I thought that the best compromise is to be with Mum to bring the New Year in.
So last night I posted a plea for help on FB. I was trying to source the means of getting a hot Christmas Dinner delivered to her. Well, there were some truly lovely offers but there were also many judgements. The main question was 'Why is a 77 year old, newly widowed, with Alzheimer's going to be on her own for Christmas'? Followed by statements of 'I'd move heaven and earth to be with my Mum on Christmas Day' etc etc. Guilt trip is an understatement. The upside is that I had a couple of informative calls and links that could prove to be useful over the long term, Covid allowing.
I understand peoples judgments and questions but they don't know my Mum. Last time I was kicked out, it took me 4 hours to drive home. I was so tired, I really shouldn't have been driving but I had no choice.
To add another barrier. I have a cat. Friends and neighbours will come in and look after her but the house adjoined is being working on extensively. It has been deafeningly noisy until 2 weeks ago. Apparently the council have stopped work, the new owner will be fined and he must put the council land back to it's original state. In that, when removing tree's off our boundary land, with a digger, it looked, as my other neighbours agree, that he was trying to knock my fence down. 2 problems from this: 1. The noise will terrify my cat and she will be alone for much of the day and night with no escape from the noise or my reassuring presence. 2. I wouldn't be surprised to return and find that he has trespassed, knocked my fence down and spoiled my garden.
Solution....take my cat I hear you think as I have done so too. I could keep my cat in my bedroom and visit her often but 1. She hates car journeys. 2. I'm worried that my Mum would let her out just to spite me. Her dog does not like cats.....I'm just now thinking 'cattery'. I wonder?
OK so back to the main question....should I or should I not go and spend Christmas with my Mum?
1. My mum has never liked me since I was knee high to a grass hopper. Fact.
2. After many years of my trying to 'please' her, I gave up when she started trying to destroy my relationship with my daughter.
3. 8 years ago, I blocked her out of my life for my own and my daughters mental well being. As far as I am aware, she never attempted to contact us.
4. 18 months ago, she called me totally out of the blue, to tell me that both she and her husband had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I contacted my brother, who lives in Australia, asking him to find out if this was in fact true.
5. Jun of this year, I found myself racing to my mothers address, 160 miles away, to be at her side as her husband passed away.
6. We didn't make it to his bedside on time. I'd followed her down the wrong corridor. It was than close. I did not know that she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's approx. 12 months prior. I'd noticed her asking the same questions over and over.
7. That week, I organised the funeral and assessed her needs. I was kicked out. She has always kicked me out, if I don't do exactly as she demands.
8. July: My bro flew over, I joined him, we sifted though many years of paperwork. It was a mess. We interviewed carers and employed one to go in daily to support Mum. We were both kicked out but on return, hours later, she'd forgotten. I left upset because she started being nasty to me again.
9. Aug: I went and spent her birthday with her.
Here we are in Dec 2020. The carer has resigned due to Mum's challenging behaviour and making a serious accusation. Bro & I have zoom interviewed 2. Fingers crossed.
My bro recently said that my mother does not have a conscience. She rarely says sorry or if she does, I personally don't believe it is meant. Try googling, 'a person without a conscience'. It's scary and I will continue to be her victim for as long as I have a relationship with her. All of the family, over the years, have cut ties with her except my bro. I and my daughter were only dragged back in because it really was an emergency.
Bearing in mind my Mum, who is now 77, worked as a geriatric nurse for most of her nursing career. Now whether she has a personality disorder or had 'early onset' Alzheimer's for many years before diagnosis, I doubt we will ever be able to clarify. Because of her nursing career, she had all the tools to hide her difficulties. Her husband too, did everything for her. She's always been good at getting others to do things for her and then takes credit!
Currently, she accepts that her memory fails her a little but denies her diagnosis. She also uses a stoma and has diabetes. She is very lonely. Gets angry, frustrated and overwhelmed quickly. She can no longer cook. Many skills she had, she has lost. I'm not sure if that is due to her husband having done everything for her, for so long, the Alzheimers, laziness.....I do know, she treats those around her as her pawns. She lies and always has. She's been telling people some awful lies about me. They've told me. I've been aghast, hurt .......
So now, it seems to be expected that I make the journey to her home to spend Christmas with her. The thing is:
1. I don't want to. Does that make me mean?
2. My daughter lives local to me. I want to be with my daughter. If my Mum realises that I have chosen her over my daughter, she'll be pleased, but not for the right reasons.
3. All of my efforts will be demanded but sneered at.
4. I've recently been diagnosed with a blood disorder which is yet to be identified. My white blood cell count is lower than low. I'm having my 6th set of bloods taken on the 7th.
5. My Mum thinks she is immune to COVID and wants/demands to be taken out daily.
6. My Mum is a convincing liar, as her previous carer learned. She says she cleans and cooks etc. She doesn't. The house is not a pleasant place to spend time. She rarely allowed the carer to clean. The carer cooked or left cold meals in the fridge.
7. Her dog is not being let out in to the garden often enough. She's forgetting to open the back door for him. The carer was taking him out as often as possible. She was unable to attend 'every' day and that's when accidents happened.
8. My Mum is paranoid. She does not like more that one person in her house at the same time. She won't let a cleaner in.
9. Last time I was kicked out was because I refused to go downstairs and read. She's been winding me up all day. I just needed a break in my own space. I wasn't allowed that.
10. Mum will run me ragged. She'll not say sorry, please or thank you. She'll have toddler tantrum's when I don't comply.
Crikey, I've gone on and on.....sorry. I'm hoping that we'll have a carer in place very soon. I'm hoping that the carer will be able to take Mum a Christmas dinner on the day and spend some time with Mum.
My daughter and her boyfriend are visiting my Mum before Christmas, to get the true lay of the land and hide her Christmas presents. My daughter and bro are far less sensitive than I. I've been described as being over sensitive.
I thought that the best compromise is to be with Mum to bring the New Year in.
So last night I posted a plea for help on FB. I was trying to source the means of getting a hot Christmas Dinner delivered to her. Well, there were some truly lovely offers but there were also many judgements. The main question was 'Why is a 77 year old, newly widowed, with Alzheimer's going to be on her own for Christmas'? Followed by statements of 'I'd move heaven and earth to be with my Mum on Christmas Day' etc etc. Guilt trip is an understatement. The upside is that I had a couple of informative calls and links that could prove to be useful over the long term, Covid allowing.
I understand peoples judgments and questions but they don't know my Mum. Last time I was kicked out, it took me 4 hours to drive home. I was so tired, I really shouldn't have been driving but I had no choice.
To add another barrier. I have a cat. Friends and neighbours will come in and look after her but the house adjoined is being working on extensively. It has been deafeningly noisy until 2 weeks ago. Apparently the council have stopped work, the new owner will be fined and he must put the council land back to it's original state. In that, when removing tree's off our boundary land, with a digger, it looked, as my other neighbours agree, that he was trying to knock my fence down. 2 problems from this: 1. The noise will terrify my cat and she will be alone for much of the day and night with no escape from the noise or my reassuring presence. 2. I wouldn't be surprised to return and find that he has trespassed, knocked my fence down and spoiled my garden.
Solution....take my cat I hear you think as I have done so too. I could keep my cat in my bedroom and visit her often but 1. She hates car journeys. 2. I'm worried that my Mum would let her out just to spite me. Her dog does not like cats.....I'm just now thinking 'cattery'. I wonder?
OK so back to the main question....should I or should I not go and spend Christmas with my Mum?
Last edited: