Hi its a while since ive been on here regularly, mum has had Alzheimer’s for 10 years now, and been in her care home for 6 years. Shes been bedridden for about the last 4 and hasn’t recognised or reacted to my presence for the last 3. Shes been pretty stable this last year - possibly because of lack of visitors into the home and PPE. Ive seen her during the summer in the garden in her bucket wheelchair.
There are cases of covid in the home now and i had a call yesterday from GP that she had a cough and he was giving antibiotics and treating as pneumonia. He doesnt know if it is covid or just a chest infection; she has refused testing each time they have done the home. ie got distressed. The GP asked if i want her to go to hospital if she deteriorates - i said no. The care home manager emailed me last night and offered a visit.
so i went in today, got all PPE’d up and spent a couple of hours with mum. She was really staring into my eyes - i really felt like she knew i was hers, like she did when she‘d forgotten who i was but knew i was special to her. She kind of smiled - haven’t seen that for years. After about an hour she got sleepy and drifted off to sleep more like she has been for the last couple years. Her chest was really rattly and her hands cold. The home said i can go back when ever i want.
im not really sure of the purpose of this ramble - speaking to people who know i guess. Shes been classed as palliative for years and i feel this might be the infection that takes her. Especially how nice and proactive the home are being - and the extra lucidity today.
A friend asked if theyd admit her for iv antibiotics if the oral ones dont work, and talked about all the amazing consultations that are happening now ( we are both in health) and i just changed the subject - i couldnt face getting into that discussion when its not in her best interests and i feel like id be defensive. Its not an academic conversation- its personal! Another was asking lots of questions to determine if it was covid or ‘just‘ a chest infection- its irrelevant to my mind, chest infections and pneumonia are just as deadly, they mean well and i love them dearly, but i don't want to have to justify (and then doubt) my decisions.
Im just exhausted emotionally with it all. The receptionist asked me how i was as i left and i just blubbed, which i havent done in a long time. I may as well be an only child (an old one now!) - i have an absent brother who plays no part and mum has no more family left. Shes had a limbo life for the last 5 years since she had flu and her Alzheimer’s plummeted off a cliff - its no life, but i feel like everyone who has no idea of this world will think im heartless and selfish.
There are cases of covid in the home now and i had a call yesterday from GP that she had a cough and he was giving antibiotics and treating as pneumonia. He doesnt know if it is covid or just a chest infection; she has refused testing each time they have done the home. ie got distressed. The GP asked if i want her to go to hospital if she deteriorates - i said no. The care home manager emailed me last night and offered a visit.
so i went in today, got all PPE’d up and spent a couple of hours with mum. She was really staring into my eyes - i really felt like she knew i was hers, like she did when she‘d forgotten who i was but knew i was special to her. She kind of smiled - haven’t seen that for years. After about an hour she got sleepy and drifted off to sleep more like she has been for the last couple years. Her chest was really rattly and her hands cold. The home said i can go back when ever i want.
im not really sure of the purpose of this ramble - speaking to people who know i guess. Shes been classed as palliative for years and i feel this might be the infection that takes her. Especially how nice and proactive the home are being - and the extra lucidity today.
A friend asked if theyd admit her for iv antibiotics if the oral ones dont work, and talked about all the amazing consultations that are happening now ( we are both in health) and i just changed the subject - i couldnt face getting into that discussion when its not in her best interests and i feel like id be defensive. Its not an academic conversation- its personal! Another was asking lots of questions to determine if it was covid or ‘just‘ a chest infection- its irrelevant to my mind, chest infections and pneumonia are just as deadly, they mean well and i love them dearly, but i don't want to have to justify (and then doubt) my decisions.
Im just exhausted emotionally with it all. The receptionist asked me how i was as i left and i just blubbed, which i havent done in a long time. I may as well be an only child (an old one now!) - i have an absent brother who plays no part and mum has no more family left. Shes had a limbo life for the last 5 years since she had flu and her Alzheimer’s plummeted off a cliff - its no life, but i feel like everyone who has no idea of this world will think im heartless and selfish.