Caring from a distance

[Alibaba80]

My mum (76) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in February. I am an only child (aged 38) and live 180 miles away. My Dad died last June and since then I have become responsible for Mum, even having to arrange Dads funeral. I am feeling very overwhelmed, I have a supportive husband and 2 kids aged 3 and 6 so my life is full on even without Mum. I ring her twice a week and visit every 4-6 weeks but that is taking it’s toll on me and my family. Mum isn’t bad enough to need to go into a home and is functioning in her own home but is unable to take responsibility for it. I have arranged a cleaner and gardener to keep on top of the general maintenance and she is ok to wash herself, prepare meals, wash clothes etc. She opens her post every day but doesn’t understand what a lot of it is and as her memory is getting worse I worry for her safety.

Does anyone have any advice about caring for someone with dementia when you live no where near them? I really need some help knowing what post has arrived etc especially if it needs actioning before I next visit. But the cleaner from Age Uk says they aren’t allowed to look at private post.

 

[Kevinl]

It might be easier to have the post redirected to your house, you can do that on the link below, that way anything that needs dealing with will come to you and you can screen out any scam mail that seems to be mostly directed at the elderly and vulnerable.
AZ is a condition that will only get worse over time, I tried to manage my mum who only lived 10 miles away and that was hard enough, she'd phone all hours of the day and night saying she'd lost something like the TV remote and could I come and find it and more worrying things like the freezer had stopped working and water was running out of the door. It had, because she'd unplugged it so ended up having to throw away the whole contents, at 11pm one night.
Remote management is more of a sticking plaster exercise, really you need someone on the ground, for now the cleaner and gardener may work but long term and if she declines rapidly then what options do you have?
K


https://www.postoffice.co.uk/mail/redirection

 

[jugglingmum]

If what you are doing now is taking it's toll, I'm afraid it is only going to get worse.

I agree with Kevinl - get mail redirected, and if you haven't done it get power of attorne(LPA) in place for both legal/finance and health. If she doesn't understand it, then it is probably causing her stress as well.

My mum was about the same distance away, and I hadn't realised she had dementia and how far things had slid, a crisis happened, and she got lost driving to mine, my children were 8 and 12 at the time.

I realised I couldn't support her from a distance, and that living in her own home wasn't an option (for other reasons). Where I live there is a lot of sheltered extra care/assisted living and I moved her into a sheltered extra care flat 10 minutes from me, which I found on the following website.

http://www.housingcare.org/elderly-uk-assisted-living-extra-care-housing.aspx

As Kevinl says what you have in place is a short term sticking plaster, and as your mum deteriorates more care will be needed. If she is amenable to carers, you could arrange one to start popping in daily so she gets used to it, but I would really recommend you move her near you.

I did feel really upset (the guilt monster) that I had 'wrenched' my mum away from all her friends, and she did miss them, but I know I couldn't have coped otherwise, and at the end of the day, this isn't just about the best quality of life for your mum, but a balance between your mum, you, your OH and your kids.

 

[Sirena]

My mother stayed in her own flat (a long distance away from me), with support from private carers, until earlier this year when she went into a care home. I agree mail redirection would be a good idea, I wish I had done it sooner. My mother managed to conceal a series of letters from the Inland Revenue which resulted in a large fine (I found them in a drawer a year later). If you have LPA you can do it yourself on her behalf.

https://www.royalmail.com/sites/def...special-circumstances-march-2018-20830802.pdf

If not, you would have to get your mother to sign the forms, so she'd have to be in agreement. If you haven't got LPA now is the time to do it.

When she needs more help than a cleaner/gardener, if she can self-fund it you can organise that for her via one of the private care agencies.

 

[Rosettastone57]

My mum (76) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in February. I am an only child (aged 38) and live 180 miles away. My Dad died last June and since then I have become responsible for Mum, even having to arrange Dads funeral. I am feeling very overwhelmed, I have a supportive husband and 2 kids aged 3 and 6 so my life is full on even without Mum. I ring her twice a week and visit every 4-6 weeks but that is taking it’s toll on me and my family. Mum isn’t bad enough to need to go into a home and is functioning in her own home but is unable to take responsibility for it. I have arranged a cleaner and gardener to keep on top of the general maintenance and she is ok to wash herself, prepare meals, wash clothes etc. She opens her post every day but doesn’t understand what a lot of it is and as her memory is getting worse I worry for her safety.

Does anyone have any advice about caring for someone with dementia when you live no where near them? I really need some help knowing what post has arrived etc especially if it needs actioning before I next visit. But the cleaner from Age Uk says they aren’t allowed to look at private post.

You don't say whether this is self-funding or not but perhaps getting a carer in a couple of mornings a week on the pretext of helping out with some household chores. With my mother-in-law who is now 92 we only realised that things were getting a lot worse when she could no longer plan or prepare meals for herself. She lived alone for many years and in fact it took us quite a long time to realise that she had dementia because of her pre existing mental health conditions. We introduced carers gradually because we realised that she wasn't eating properly and would soon need help with prompting medication. We had her post redirected using power of attorney. This was one of the best things we did as well as sorting out her finances and setting up online banking for her. We found just managing her post reduced her anxiety and stress levels considerably

 

[jojo2018]

Hello, I'm sorry for what's happening to you, and my husband and I are in a similar situation - we live overseas (7 hour flight away), my MIL is on her own since her husband died, and my husband is her only son.

If it helps in any way, these are the steps we have taken:

We have taken over all paperwork, bills, insurance, etc. and we ask her to keep her post in a box that we manage each time we visit. Most things have now been sorted online. Sometimes important things do get missed (like Drs appointments) so we have now started the process of getting LPA. It's simple just takes time. But then we can keep appointments, etc. in our calendars and call to remind her, for when we don't see the post in time.

We have also got carers visiting twice a day - partly because of medication but also for meals to be cooked (we order the food online and it gets delivered to go into the freezer, where the carers take it out and cook it). We did this because we saw she wasn't eating as much.

We have a 'deep clean' of the house when we visit because she doesn't like cleaners coming in - but when we are there we plan it and take her out while it's happening. It always lifts her spirits and keeps things from building up in the places she can't get to.

We talk to her about her memories a lot when we call - not asking direct questions but encouraging her to talk about things she wants to - and it seems to help her mood and also confidence.

We did a check throughout the house of all things that could cause harm in any way and got them moved / fixed - this wasn't easy as she doesn't like change - but we got there and it has given peace of mind as well as a nicer environment for her.

That's all I can think of for now - but I would stress that getting help from external companies you can trust (e.g. carers / food deliveries) has been essential for us - expensive for the carers but worth it if it can at all be afforded.

Also, we had to make our peace with this being 'enough' - and not giving up our lives and business to come back home. This is important, there must be a balance for everyone's lives (and your own!) which is found - that will prevent guilt and regret while letting you live your life too. My husband and I talk a lot about it - I think it's important to be open and honest about the complex feelings that come with this awful illness happening to a loved one.

We will have another tough choice coming up when this level of care is not enough - I am dreading that - but for now my husband's stress has come down and my MIL is content and we are all living our lives day-to-day as before.

Good luck to you, Jo

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hello, I'm sorry for what's happening to you, and my husband and I are in a similar situation - we live overseas (7 hour flight away), my MIL is on her own since her husband died, and my husband is her only son.

If it helps in any way, these are the steps we have taken:

We have taken over all paperwork, bills, insurance, etc. and we ask her to keep her post in a box that we manage each time we visit. Most things have now been sorted online. Sometimes important things do get missed (like Drs appointments) so we have now started the process of getting LPA. It's simple just takes time. But then we can keep appointments, etc. in our calendars and call to remind her, for when we don't see the post in time.

We have also got carers visiting twice a day - partly because of medication but also for meals to be cooked (we order the food online and it gets delivered to go into the freezer, where the carers take it out and cook it). We did this because we saw she wasn't eating as much.

We have a 'deep clean' of the house when we visit because she doesn't like cleaners coming in - but when we are there we plan it and take her out while it's happening. It always lifts her spirits and keeps things from building up in the places she can't get to.

We talk to her about her memories a lot when we call - not asking direct questions but encouraging her to talk about things she wants to - and it seems to help her mood and also confidence.

We did a check throughout the house of all things that could cause harm in any way and got them moved / fixed - this wasn't easy as she doesn't like change - but we got there and it has given peace of mind as well as a nicer environment for her.

That's all I can think of for now - but I would stress that getting help from external companies you can trust (e.g. carers / food deliveries) has been essential for us - expensive for the carers but worth it if it can at all be afforded.

Also, we had to make our peace with this being 'enough' - and not giving up our lives and business to come back home. This is important, there must be a balance for everyone's lives (and your own!) which is found - that will prevent guilt and regret while letting you live your life too. My husband and I talk a lot about it - I think it's important to be open and honest about the complex feelings that come with this awful illness happening to a loved one.

We will have another tough choice coming up when this level of care is not enough - I am dreading that - but for now my husband's stress has come down and my MIL is content and we are all living our lives day-to-day as before.

Good luck to you, Jo

@jojo2018 glad that things have worked out for you and your family. These things are never easy.

 

[jojo2018]

@jojo2018 glad that things have worked out for you and your family. These things are never easy.

Thanks so much for that, I see others on the site doing a lot more, but as I said we've made peace with this and - for now - things are stable xxx

 

[Alibaba80]

Hi, thanks for your advice. I have LPA for health and finances. I’m doing all of the finances now as mum doesn’t seem to know how to even use a debit card anymore. She does go and withdraw cash once a fortnight from the bank to pay for small things.

I personally am really struggling with the enormity if it all, especially as I can’t see any end or let up in sight. In fact I’ve been signed off sick from work for two weeks as I’m exhausted physically and mentally. I’ve driven down for the weekend 3 times in the last 7 weeks and I’m so tired. Plus running a house, job and 2 small children. The nurse thinks mum should have a carer in 3 times a week but mum won’t do it and gets angry and irrational so I can’t talk to her properly about it. I’m not sure how to progress, I really wish it wasn’t my problem.

 

[SKD]

We supported my Mum in her own home (over 200 miles away) for about 18 months - I sorted power of attorney and took over managing the finances and online shopping. We started with a carer coming in once a day mainly to administer medication but this gradually built up to 4 times a day to check on food, hydration and medication and to provide some company. Is a day centre a possibility one or two days a week? - Mum went twice a week with taxis taking her each way and this gave her a structure to the week. I am an only child and have spent all this time visiting fortnightly - fortunately there were other family and neighbours around who visited who could keep an eye on things and let me know if something was wrong. I was very lucky with the home carers who totally took on board that I was a long way away and did go the extra mile certainly where doctor's visits and bits of shopping were concerned. Things gradually became more difficult particularly when Mum started wandering and having panic attacks - I rang every day but had some evenings with lengthy calls until she settled. Mum has now moved into residential care but that is having its own challenges. I found quite often Mum would argue about something I suggested but if I just did it she would accept it - this did work with increasing the number of carer visits.