Caring for dad

[Beeks]

Hi All, I wish I'd found this 18 months ago! Dad has DLB, diagnosed the same week he had a heart bypass and developed delirium from this. The past 18 months have been stressful and Mum has cared for Dad until 6 weeks ago when he was admitted to hospital for the 3rd time in 4 weeks (2 falls and COVID).
I needed to make the decision to say he could not stay with Mum at home, he'd been going missing, pushed Mum, verbally abusive to Mum, and they were both struggling to be safe.
I am currently really struggling with the guilt I feel as he was an admitted to a Dementia care home Monday from hospital for his assessment period.
I get called by the home (who said not to visit for a week) to go in and settle him when he is aggressive and angry/upset. I go in and settle him which can take some time and come home again feeling **** and waiting for the next call.
He doesn't really know me when he is like this and taks about me like I am not there. That's ok as I get that but I feel so sad that the only time I have with my dad is like this.
I want to say No, I don't want to come in and have to do this, but if it helps Dad I am not about to abadon him and not go. I am literally writing this expecting a call, last night was 22.30 and we got home at midnight.
Gosh didn't meant to have such a moan! I feel broken, guilty and lost and Mum keeps saying if he was at home I would manage this better. I am now feeling I made the wrong call (although I know Mum could not cope and wouldn't allow carers or respite when we have suggested it over the past 6 months).
I thought, I think, he would move to residential specialist placement and I could enjoy being a daughter again but instead I feel like I have ruined it for them both.

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Beeks and welcome. I'msSorry to read about what has been happening with your dad but it definitely sounds like you have made the right decision about care as it wasn't safe for either him or your mum for him to return home. Although your dad is currently under assessment it doesn't sound as if he has been placed in the right care home if staff are calling you to go in and settle him when he becomes agressive and angry/upset. The care home should have been made aware of your dad's behaviour before agreeing to take him, and not contacting you late at night to deal with him. Were the hospital social work team involved in your dad's placement? If so please contact them to let them know what it happening as it is not fair for this to be left for you to deal with, it must be so stressful, as well as trying to support your mum too. You haven't ruined things for them both, you have done your best to make sure that your parents are both safe. If you'd like to talk through the situation with someone the Dementia Support Line are very helpful and will offer support and advice, contact details below. I hope that now you have found us you will keep posting as this is a friendly and supportive place with lots of shared experience of all types of dementia, and there is always someone here to listen.

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello @Beeks and welcome from me too.

I’m glad you’ve found us at last also so we can help support you through this difficult transition.

I agree with everything @Louise7 has said. My dad was very challenging when he was first placed in his carehome for assessment but they never once called me to help settle him. Staff well versed in dementia should know various tactics to settle a resident and it does sound as though the staff in your dad’s carehome are struggling.

Do give the helpline a call. I found them extremely helpful when I was going through what seemed like an impossible situation with my dad. And let us know how you get on.

 

[Beeks]

Thank you for your support