Caring for dad

[deepetshopboy]

I'm a carer for my dad age 70 im 41 years old
Ive given up any hopes of going to work full time or even part time or of having children now my dad has been ill /dianosed since 2013 been on aricept the last year has been awful hes gone downhill so much hes constantly forgetting the days of the weeks etc he lives alone with his cat in a council flat which in a dreadful state i go over 3/4/5 times a week to try and clean it but he hords. Stuff brings in junk and stuff he finds has everything out of cupboard food is in odd places carrier bags everywhere clutter etc .i come out worried stressed etc ive asked him to come and live with me as i dont want him to go into a care home hes situation is absolutely terrible hes so vunrable yet still manges to wash ,cook although thats starting to go as hes burning food and cooking the same things frying all the time and hes fridge has 50 packs of cheese as he keeps thinking hes run out of cheese
.so in his council flat he sleeps in the living room we went and bought a sofa bed before the winter as hes bedroom is freezing and hes flat is old with 20 ft high ceilling and hes bedroom is a extension leading into the garden single glaze sah window cold to sleep in or
Bear for 5 min let alone sleep in the only half warm room is the living room which he eats and sleeps in hes had a buildin g company in which r employed by the council with scaffolding around with the intention of replacing the sash windows for new no double glazing though and there was talk of fitting a new door amd radiator but i found out yesterday they want to do only the windows its been a year of them coming in for nothing ive been through hell with this building company and finally made a complaint to their manager and will do one for the council.
i spoke to hes housing officer for the first time ever and told him my dads health condition the state of hes flat and the cold as well as a neighbour ramdomly harresing him whenever she feels like it or when shes drunk by banging hes ceiling with a broom my dads a old man and lives with a sweet little cat makes no noise anyway the council man said he would come out i had to beg him i wanted to find out if he can be moved to a warmer home but the useless council man did not even bother turning up i rung the council and i have his mangers email to complain ive spent all day on the phone and have been advised that i need to contact social services Which i do not want to do and i dont know why i should have to he's entitled to live in warm home they turning it around now and saying that hes not turning hes heating on etc he he is !! Im sick of him being discriminated against on a daily basis now it seems he cant even get a move or get repairs dome without them wanting the ss involved im his carer and he doesnt want any carers im so fed up

 

[deepetshopboy]

Hes also independent and doesnt want carers

 

[Shedrech]

hi @deepetshopboy
you sound at the end of your tether
you've done so much to help your dad - I'm annoyed with you that others are not doing what clearly needs to be done - well done on making complaints; I hope you get replies and action

please do, though, contact your dad's Local Authority Adult Services and arrange an assessment of his care needs - Adult Services very much want to keep people in their own homes for as long as possible; they rarely want to move someone out of their home - having him flagged up on their system may well help with the other issues as he will be seen as a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk' if he doesn't have a warm safe home and as the LA have the 'duty of care' they may well the get their finger out ....
maybe tell your dad that he has paid his way all his life so he's already paid for this assessment and has a right to it; it's definitely not charity
I appreciate that your dad is a proud and independent man - all you can do is set up as much support as you can and see how it goes - maybe tell him it's to help you as you need to look at working if it's possible but worry about leaving him on his own, so it would set your mind at rest
and do have a carer's assessment for your self, as they may be able to help your own situation
have you looked into Attendance Allowance for your dad - again this isn't means tested; all who qualify will receive it - if he doesn't yet qualify he will at some point, so you may as well be prepared - AgeUK or CAB can help fill in the forms
and keep his GP up to date as they may be able to put some pressure on about the property maintenance - and they need to have a full picture of how things are for your dad - they may not be able to talk with you about him, due to patient confidentiality, but they have to note any info you give them

 

[deepetshopboy]

Hi thank you for your reply hes already getting all the benefits he's entitled too
Hes happy for me to work but im not sure im able to psychically or mentally care for my dad while working .
The local council around here are useless and the social services arent great i had carers forced upon me when my mum was terminally ill and they were no good turned up late 3 days late and just got in my way and caused more stress .hes said he will tell them to xxxx offquite frankly if they try to come in .im hoping the housing officer will help get my dad a move although I suspect he wont or may try to discuss shelter housing /bedsit which means my dad wont be able to take hes cat and he wont be separated with her and i dont blame him its a terrible heatbreaking situation ive no one to help either no family and my dads remaining family dont bother ringing him now i think because of hes dementia they cant have a conversation with him he was so sociable and had interests etc no more hes now frail and doesnt go anywere he used to hes not able hes forgetting the days of the week 20 times a day and talking to him is getting worse

 

[Bod]

I fear that the time has come for him to move into Care.
Whether or not he or you like it.
You clearly are having great difficulty doing the caring he needs.
He must have an assessment of his needs, including housing!
It's not a nice thing to do, putting someone in Care...I know I've had to do it.
when you look back after 6 months, you'll know you did the right thing.

Bod

 

[deepetshopboy]

He doesnt want carers thats the problem ive had council carers there useless they caused nothing but stress when my mum was terminal ill and i cant bring myself to call ss

 

[Bod]

There will be a crisis, then you will have little or no say in the outcome. Nor will he.
The sooner you face up to the situation, the more say you will have.
Tough, I know, been there. My outcome, gave father a far more comfortable life than he had before.

Bod